You seem to really have a hang of this......I thought you handled this day amazingly well.....and at the very least had your H thinking. You were a good friend even if it caused you pain. I am proud of you
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Pre-bomb the most positive times, what worked (including sexually), were the times when H felt really secure in my love/acceptance for him, and when circumstances made it so I was not in control, or meek.
This is just my opinion but could you view the meekness as a role play type thing? You said your sex life worked like a dream then. You obviously got something out of that too. It doesn't mean that you have to be that way all the time, your h obviously fell in love with the strong you too. Maybe it is a bit of a control thing for him to as he has this issue that he is not able to control when he is ml.
I would say do more of what works, i.e. the nurturing stuff but I am not sure that it works with where they are just at the moment. But I am jaded by my h and experience there, you would have to judge that one for yourself. It sounds like you have struck a good balance at the moment. I think Real Giving is a form of nurture and you are doing that by letting him go ahead with the divorce proceedings etc.
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He told me this today after he picked me up from work so we could go hang out. I just got really quiet, I wasn't even really sad. This is what he wants, and I can't stop him.
California has a 6 month waiting period to finalize, so the timer is about to be set on me.
Hanging out was kind of somber and serious after that. I was tired from last night, and kind of shocked over his news. But it went well.
Ok, now you've got the horrid stuff out the way and you both now know where you stand I would avoid discussions on it as much as possible. Show him the fun you now, this is the time to show him the strong you, as we know begging and crying and pursuing etc doesn’t work and I view those as weak/ meek things. You don't do these things and her responds well to you. That is where he likes the strong Lost methinks.
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.S. Speaking of not going anywhere, a really gorgeous & sweet guy asked me for my phone number last night at an event I went to. Nothing will come of it, cause of course I'm not going there, but it was nice. Plus I answered the question I posed in my last thread of what I would do if I was also attracted to a guy who was attracted to me, and I guess the answer is feel good & stand.
Way to go foxy lady! You are a star!
P.S - Oh, by the way my ship analogy is from a Beautiful SOuth song but I don't think they migrated across the pond so I dont know where he got his ship analogy...
Thanks JWS, Julia, Pisces, TD and HC! Hugs to all of you.
I'm really OK. It surprises me that I am, but I am. I found this great excerpt that Kalni posted in someone else's thread awhile back from a Greek poem that is sort of how I feel at this moment:
Pretty soon I will not be missing you Because we only miss what we don't have My love for you grows bigger each moment And soon it will be so strong That I don't need to see you anymore I will have you within
My love for him feels like it's radiating out of me. I can picture him standing here, and miss him and be sad, but I'm not really hurt anymore, I'm not really scared, I'm more sad that I can't love him the way I would like to. But that's OK, I can still love him as my friend.
I saw an old friend today, we had lunch, and he was super supportive and encouraging, and had no doubts that I would be just fine--and that's really what I needed to hear, it reflects how I feel.
Do you guys find that friends sometimes react weirdly and project their own fears onto what you're going through? Sometimes friends have made me feel so badly about this sitch, cause they took my situation so personally--like if it had happened to them--and projected all their fear onto me. Luckily, my friend today did the opposite, but I was wondering if anyone else had that experience with anyone in RL?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
What you just described is how I have been feeling when i say I am haunted by good memories. I too feel that my love for her is as strong as the day i meet her and later when i married her, but that is the opposite of detaching. I think though it is where my source of strength is coming from, but I get confused about weather or not we should be thinking of them in that way or not.
My friends either try to protect me by bashing her or they too project their own fears on to us. I notice that most of them just do not want to talk about it anymore because it makes them wonder about their own lives.
I am glad he confirmed what you already know and that is that no matter what you are going to be just fine. That gives you the strength and freedom to focus on what he needs you to be for a while.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Do you guys find that friends sometimes react weirdly and project their own fears onto what you're going through? Sometimes friends have made me feel so badly about this sitch, cause they took my situation so personally--like if it had happened to them--and projected all their fear onto me. Luckily, my friend today did the opposite, but I was wondering if anyone else had that experience with anyone in RL?
Oh yes, prime example was my friend coming over last night. I was cooking dinner for us both and she was tired as she had been to work and then gone climbing. Bizarrely halfway through a conversation she asked me why I was so tired and listless?! I turned around, smiled and said I was fine, it was you that said you were tired and listless when you came in. She said later on that the reason she had come round was because she had seen some pictures of me on facebook and thought I had looked distraught and unhappy. She was expecting to see me like this and was looking for these emotions. It just so happens at the time when she thought I was tired and listless I was concentrating on the dinner! I said that was strange because I was actually having a really nice day and really liked those pictures and the only thing was I was a little tired that day.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest but seriously, it is meant to illustrate that people make assumptions about you. They think they are being helpful and objective but actually they base these assumptions on how they are feeling at the time, how they personally feel about your situation and conclude, based on those things, how they expect you should be feeling. Sometimes because they are so clouded by these expectations they can't accept that you are not feeling that way.
They do it because they care and they want to be helpful. They don't realise that voicing their assumptions often hurts you and you don't need to hear these things especially when you are working so hard to overcome these emotions.
It is very rare and such a relief when you meet someone that truly listens to you and doesn't assume your feelings. They listen to how you actually are feeling at that moment and recognise that you are able to help yourself and support you.
That is what is so great about this board too as we all know that here. But a sometimes a physical, understanding presence is such a comfort.
hi lost- yes- you have to be very careful who you surround yourself with. most poeple cant do what we are doing. and they project their own fears onto you. it is not only frustrating, but damaging. unless you are very clear about what you are doing, it can put a downer on what you are doing and mess up your PMA. they do care about you- but they tell you what they want to hear...not what you need to hear.
i wouldnt talk with those poeple about the R anymore.... i have learned this lesson too....
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
but seriously, it is meant to illustrate that people make assumptions about you. They think they are being helpful and objective but actually they base these assumptions on how they are feeling at the time, how they personally feel about your situation and conclude, based on those things, how they expect you should be feeling. Sometimes because they are so clouded by these expectations they can't accept that you are not feeling that way.