Thinking of biting the bullet

[ACJ]

BM,
Thank you. Like Amy's post yours also made me cry.

I don't blame my mum for the way I am and she too did the best she could. She didn't really have a very good role model in my grandmother. She was 10 years younger than her sister and was told from a very early age that she was a mistake and was constantly reminded of it throughout her life. Even to the extent that my grandmother would babysit for my cousins (who are a similar age to me and my brother) and yet told my mum 'you wanted them, you look after them'. Even when my mum had a nervous breakdown as a result of serious postnatal depression after my brother was born my grandmother refused to look after us even when our GP pleaded with her. Admittedly looking back my mum didn't show me much affection (although I didn't sense that at the time) but it's small wonder really given her own upbrining. I always knew (and still do) that she loves me.

As for H and his grief for his father - we haven't spoken of it for a very long time bu I'm sure it's still there. He did tell me some time ago that he was getting help for it now but he didn't say professional help so for all I know OW could be practising her psychology skills on him now that she is studyig for a degree in this discipline.

Talking of H. After reading what IMP put on Cinders thread the other day about facing up to the challenge of OP I thought I would do just that (although at the time I thought he was bullying Cinders a bit). So I sent H an email. I admitted my behaviour the day before had not be correct (althouh I never actually apologised). I then said I didn't want the children to have to choose (yet again) who to celebrate with when they get thier exam results in a couple of weeks time. I said I felt it was time that OW and I accepted that we were in Hs life for different reasons and that although it would be hard to sit down and eat with her I could do it if she could.

He turned me down with a simple we will celebrate with them ourselves!

In between this my S15 had told me that H was taking him and his girlfriend plus OW on holiday the week after next. I asked S15 if he knew whether H was intending inviting the girls (and particularly D13) he said no he wasn't.

I haven't told D13 I'm fed up with having to give her bad news all the time. He can do his own dirty work this time.

So I replied to his email with: That's fine. I assume you will be telling D13 about your holiday plans for S15 and his GF and how you can afford that but refused to contribute towards D13s holiday. I then reminded him that he has 3 children who all need his equal love and attention.

Now I go back to NC. I've backslid enough.