Ms. Imp and Her Magic Kumquat 2

[girlfromipanema]

Hey everyone. And, welcome, iamlost(soontobefound), how interesting that we share the same exact anniversary. Friday the 13th was always my lucky day. Lots of people thought we were strange for picking it... I know in my heart the date has nothing to do with where we are now. Just an interesting coincidence.

I'm doing much better today. Feeling less panicky. I fully expect to freak out again in the near future, but I'm grateful for feeling more at peace for the time being.

H and I had a very good talk last night. Thanks to many of you providing valuable insight into my relationship, I was FINALLY able to get him to understand the hurt, rejection and betrayal I've been feeling for so very long. I told him about my journal entry from July 27, 2006 and he asked why hadn't I said anything to him at the time. I reminded him that I did talk to him about it back then but he glossed over the issue. I think he finally understands that he carries equal blame (and maybe a larger portion) for our demise.

He said, "we stopped spending time together. I'd come home for work late, we'd eat dinner and shortly after you'd go upstairs to go to sleep while I stayed downstairs to watch TV." I reminded him of all the many, many times I asked him to watch upstairs in bed - just so I could be close to him. I just wanted to be near him - even if I was sleeping. I reminded him that he always brushed me aside and would say, "but I have that awesome TV downstairs..." I reminded him of all the times I asked him to go hiking with me... or to the river... or bookstore... or grocery store - only to get "I'm too tired." I reminded him that when we DID do something together, he called HER and invited her along.

He had lots of little complaints about me that bugged him and he said the little things kept adding up. Lots of his complaints are valid. BUT, I reminded him that he NEVER, not once, expressed to me the level of irritation he felt and that if he had, I would have worked on changing those things. I reminded him that he never expressed any of the things that bothered him to me... but he freely told HER.

There was a lot said last night. All positive. It was nice to finally be heard and validated. He finally sees how much of myself I invested into our marriage and how little he contributed on an emotional level - and he finally understands how destructive that can be.

He acknowledged that he has never been shown how to communicate his feelings. His family/culture just didn't do that. His family/culture also doesn't hug - even family members! I reminded him that after many years in the States he learned to give someone (family or friend) a meaningful hug, even though it was extremely uncomfortable in the beginning. I encouraged him to learn how to communicate or he would never have a happy long-term relationship. Not with an American girl, anyway.

I saw the old h last night. He apologized for hurting me for so long. We promised to always be friends. And then he held me close for a very long time. It was very much like the dream I had not long ago...