Really upside down #2

[Tink]

Have you tried meditating?

I'm very afraid of that. I'm not exactly sure why.

What do you think is going to happen?

Tink

[upside_downer]

Everyone-

Thank you so much for visiting and commenting. I went out for drinks, and am in no shape to put into words what it meant for more folks to comment and give me advice (not saying those who have commented are falling short).

I just want to be able to think it through and express my gratitude.

I'm doing real well right now. I feel pretty elated.

I feel some confidence, and it was started by my conversation with my W, but continued by the feelings within ME that I feel right now, no matter what.

I'll write more tomorrow when I get a chance.....

Again...


THANK YOU.

[Neilh23]

UD-
good that you are starting to find that inner peace...the trick is to keep it. find ways to do that. you will struggle to find those ways, but it is a good feeling when you achieve it.

keep it up. look for the baby steps.....nothing too large...

look for ways to make yourself happy...that helps you find the inner peace....

stay strong

[upside_downer]

Just keep in mind that what she needs most out of you right now is to be a consistent friend. She needs to feel safe with you, regardless of what it's about.

This is what I am focusing all of my effort on now. I really hope she notices and opens up.

If you can throw the "You can come shower here" line at her and make it clear that it's a joke, great. Otherwise, again it sounds needy.

Yeah, I am a joker, so the good thing was, I was being myself and joking about it!

As for invitations, I agree completely with Neal when he says that you should not invite her to anything that you weren't planning to do otherwise. Now is not the time to be creating date scenario's for the two of you. I really believe that you have some trust building to do before you get to that point.

Dang. I was thinking a day together would be really good for us. Especially with my newly found ability to relax and let her talk, etc. I'm going to see how this weekend goes and play it by ear.

Realize by inquiring about OM and things like that (even disguising it by asking about others.....she sees right through that dude) you are making a self-fulfilling prophesy

Funny you said that. I've been told that my actions are doing this, as well. I just hope it's not too late and she isn't too far gone to turn this ship around. The OM thing is very difficult for me. This is pretty much the single most important thing that I need to be able to deal with because it is probably my weakest area.

You seem to be a bit self righteous about her actions with other people. From a moral standpoint you are absolutely correct

Again, funny you say that. I have come across "holier than thou" because I have lived very long with principles and when people don't do the right thing, I get very upset. It makes me a hypocrit because I'm not perfect, either, but the thing that has ALWAYS bothered me is that I admit my faults and TRY as hard as I can to correct them for a better R. People just give up too easily (in my opinion) on R's when there is a lack of understanding.

Going dark......even in some of the more recent posts I have seen you wield this like some weapon with vindictiveness in your tone

In a way, it is. I consider my time a treasure. I have felt that people take my presence for granted. Funny when THEY want me to be there, or NEED me to be there, it's ok for them to get offended when they can't reach me, but when I need or want someone, it's no big deal. That is annoying to me.

Also, just my opinion but return receipt on e-mail is very controlling

I agree. One step at a time. The "old me" would have called, left messages, etc. This was good enough for now just to see if she was at work without jumping through hoops to find out if she was. I needed to manage my expectations at least a little. When she didn't read the mail for an hour, I let it go because I know she reads the mail right away.

What do you think is going to happen?

If I meditate? Nothing. The reason I said I was scared to do it was I'm working on being consistent in other areas of my life (conversations, my mood, my ability to go to the gym even when I don't want to). At this point, I am comfortable managing the new things that I'm trying, and I don't want to try to do too much. If I were to meditate, I would want to gain something from it, but if my heart isn't in it because I'm just too busy to learn how to gain something from it, it's a waste of time.

[ndsmhelp]

Hey UD
Still trying to catch up with everyone, say hello and thanks for the comments.

First, let me say, I truly admire all of you guys who have spouses that have already walked away, or are actually separated. It does make me treasure the time I have had with my wife, and make want to work harder to keep us together.

If and when the times comes, and she leaves, or finally has had enough and asks me to, I am not so sure what my reaction will be. I would like to think that I could carry on the process away from her, but I am not so sure.

That could be why I get to the point where I am trying too hard, and focusing way too much on her words and actions....not giving her the space.

...and don't worry...still have not contacted her yet today. She and I have had a couple of normal days, and I still have not been over to my thread and say much, so I will try to update.

Nothing bad, but I believe there are some positives that I see with her. I almost don't even want to talk about them. I feel good, she seems good.....don't want to jinx myself.

For me, right now, it is coming down to just trying as hard as I can to let things go at her pace. I notice just the little bit I have relaxed for a couple of days has had some sort of effect on her.

NDS

[TwinDad]

UD,

A couple other points......

You seem to want to get your W to open up. Honestly I wouldn't try to get to this goal....I would be willing to bet you two have discussed things more than either one of you would like to at this point. A more effective goal would be to create an atmosphere where your W feels comfortable to "hang-out" with you and let the actions speak for themeselves. In my sitch, we have been back together for a couple months and there has yet to be an "opening-up" conversation where everything gets hashed out....instead we are showing ti through our actions and that is just fine with me. She doesn't want to talk about this.....she wants to see actions.

I appreciate your zeal for your R and coming off self righteous because you are fighting the "good-fight". Realize as a WAW she probably feels she has fought as much as she can without you even knowing it, she valued your M when she thought you didn't.....she has already fought....you are just starting. If you understand that you may get more respect for her decision. I personally feel being separated for a short period of time was probably one of the better things that has happened in my R.

I understand the respect part of feeling like she responds to correspondence at her leisure and you can't play by that rule. The truth is, as silly as it sounds your W doesn't respect and trust you. At some point you turned into an insecure person snoopiing on her and looking for OM in the closet. When you can show her through actions that you are changing then you will start to slowly gain her respect again and then she will show that through actions by responding to you in a timely manner.

I have noticed in your threads that your bitterness seems to be subsiding a bit which is good...it will make it easier for you to be a good friend and make the chnages you need to make.

You are steadily improving and I can almost guarantee that your W is noticing

[ann25]

here i was going to come in will all this genius insight and everyone else got here first... LOL

Seriously though, you've gotten some great advice here from Bill, TwinDad and Neil...

My best advice is be patient. A recurring theme you'll see on these boards is nothing is happening fast enough... In my mind, the faster things change the less stable they'll be. I'd much rather have it take a little time now and end up good, than rush into it and end up back where i am now!!

ann

[TwinDad]

UD,

One more thing...lol.....if you really want some "traffic" on your thread then I would move it to either the Newcommer forum or the Separated Forum for sitch....both are very active. In both you are likely to get a pretty good following from a 2-3 people that identify with your sitch. IN the newcommer you are also more likely to attract soe advice from some of the heavy hitters as they watch over us

[upside_downer]

UD,

You seem to want to get your W to open up. Honestly I wouldn't try to get to this goal....I would be willing to bet you two have discussed things more than either one of you would like to at this point.

Although I can't answer for her, yes, I think this is true. She just hates when I bring up anything that involves responsibility to the R. I even talked about the house, which had very little to do with her (albeit it had some), and she didn't like that either. So, for now, I'm just sticking to real light stuff. This is something I should have done a long time ago, but was fighting the feelings.

A more effective goal would be to create an atmosphere where your W feels comfortable to "hang-out" with you and let the actions speak for themeselves.

Good suggestion. I think I'll change my mind to consider her opening up to me through actions, not words.

I understand the respect part of feeling like she responds to correspondence at her leisure and you can't play by that rule. The truth is, as silly as it sounds your W doesn't respect and trust you. At some point you turned into an insecure person snoopiing on her and looking for OM in the closet.

This goes back to the "holier than thou" thought. I felt if she had nothing to hide, why was she hiding things from me (and she def. was, she admitted to it). At this point, I'm not going to worry about that. I still feel it is a give and take, but given the sitch, I'm going to just ignore it.

I have noticed in your threads that your bitterness seems to be subsiding a bit which is good...it will make it easier for you to be a good friend and make the chnages you need to make.

You noticed well. I'm trying very hard to let things just roll off my back and "let it go." It's actually not as hard as I thought it would be, which is nice.

You are steadily improving and I can almost guarantee that your W is noticing

I sure hope so. That talk the other night made me feel like I accomplished something!!! It may be a while between then and the next time, but I'm ok with that.

My best advice is be patient. A recurring theme you'll see on these boards is nothing is happening fast enough...

great advice, and I've taken it. I'm working as hard as I can to be patient, understanding, and relaxed. Seems to be working. When this thread locks, I'll be moving back to newcomers. I was there, but thought I belonged here.

I'm hoping she doesn't cancel on me for Saturday, too. We'll see. If she does, I will take it in stride. One step at a time!!!!

[upside_downer]

Here is my newly created thread. I wanted to start on a good foot, in the right forum. Thanks!!!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1540959&page=0#Post1540959