still back

[phoenyx]

in my life everything seems to happen in a group.... i don't know why this is, maybe i get too cocky, maybe i forget who i am, what i am suppose to be doing, maybe He is getting me ready for something. i can't pretend to know what God's will is for me, all i know is that right now, this second as i type this, i am sick of losing, sick of whinning about it, i am ready for a change. i have learned a few things in the last few months that i would like to share. God gets your attention, life is about serving God in anyway you can, anyway he calls you to. He will give you the tools and the means to do it, but when you don't do his will, when you are lazy, or vengeful, or too proud, or you don't appreciate the gifts that you have in your life, He WILL allow them to be taken away. i have learned more about myself and God in the last 2 months than in the 32 prior years.....
the fact is, until about I learned HOW to pray about 3 weeks ago, I have never prayed for a damn person on this earth except myself. please fix kari and send her back, please restore my marriage, please make the loss of my father easier, please do this for me, please do that for me. the fact that i can walk into a store or a bar and flirt with 23 and 24 year old girls means nothing when the woman i want to marry, the woman who 2 and a half short months ago was moving my stuff into her house, wants nothing to do with me and seems to be going full speed ahead into another R. she is doing crazy stuff, moving in with dude she hardly knows, same kind of guy that has been somehow abusing her in her past 3 r's.....and i pray for myself? it's MY problem that she is trapping herself? it's my problem that my xw has went down the road she did? forgiving someone for doing things to you is great for yourself and everything, Rah, Rah, yeah me. but what we need to do is ask God to forgive that person for them. know that things that come about based in lies or manipulation or confusion are from the enemy, Take into consideration that they are messed up. Take into consideration that they need compassion. Realize that maybe, just maybe, your "sitch" isn't all about you. Realize that the fact that they are the way they are, maybe has a little to do with you. My father died 2 months after my D was final. I ignored the wake up call. I blew myself up for over a year. People on the MLC board could ask me what I was thinking durring that time for insight on their sitch. You want anger, and self pity.... Ask Amy C about some of my 3 am drunk emails durring that time period. A man keeping it together on the outside all happy and strong, on the inside... I was more wicked then any aldulterer, I was more rockstar than gene friggen simmons. It shames and pains me to thnk that there are people that I love and respect in heaven that saw the things that I was doing durring that time period. and i pretended that it was all because "kari left me" and did this and did that. BS.... I wasn't read for any R much less working on a restoration of a M. I cannot do that again. It is up to us to learn from the past, do not ignore His signs or the instincts that he gave you, listen to your heart not your head. People in our lives need to be prayed for. Their souls need to be prayed for. We need to help people and have compassion for the weak, especially when WE are the weak. This morning, I wasn't very strong. The catch 22 is that I know now that I am supposed to be, His word tells me that I am going to be okay, that I am going to thrive in Him. I now have no more excuses, and neither do you.