Helping a woman reach her very first climax is a very rewarding experience. The reward is knowing that you have given this to her. It is a gift to her; you are not doing it for yourself but for her. Years ago I had a girlfriend who had never climaxed before in her life. I think the reason was she had always been with those doofuses to which DQ was referring; they just never took the time to find out what felt really nice to her. They were taking pleasure not giving it. I'm glad I got to give this to her.... so was she!
My experience has been that for some women it takes a certain amount of pressure and tempo for them to O. Once they let you know what their ideal pressure/tempo is (this part is up to her as DQ said) you must keep that going consistently for as long as it takes to O. It could take 20 minutes. The doofus just won't put in that much effort or maybe just doesn't have the stamina. And I'm talking about manual or oral stimulus here.
FWIW, 20 minutes isn't a long time, probably on the short end of "average". It may take an hour. It may take repeated sessions over a few hours.
This isn't to criticize at all. Only to suggest that if a woman doesn't O after 20 minutes of the best stimulation possible, it still doesn't mean that she won't O, nor that she takes excessively long to O, etc...
Hey just for kicks, I will tell you guys another thing I used to think that was actually just my own ignorance...
Because I didn't like to give oral sex (to a man), I assumed that no women liked it. I further assumed that if a woman was behaving as if she liked it, she was actually just faking liking it for the man's benefit. And even further than that, I felt that these women were doing the rest of us women a disservice, by giving men the false impression that "some women like it".
I felt this was when I was very young (teens and early 20's), and I had not discussed it with my girlfriends. I had only talked about oral sex with my male sex partners, and there were very few of them. Thus my total ignorance about others' experiences.
In retrospect, of course I was just insecure and wondered how in the world a woman could actually enjoy giving oral sex to a man. I was insecure about those other women, so I projected upon them that they must be "faking enjoying it".
It wasnt until I started to venture outside of myself, and actually opening up and talking to other people about sex, reading more about sex (in places other than sex mags, ie: actual educational material), and loosening the hold I had placed on my own mind by my own insecurities. I also eventually had some counseling for my past sex issues, and that helped a lot.
Finally I was talking to real women, close friends, who were claiming to really enjoy giving oral sex to a man.
I could no longer pretend that they must be faking enjoying it. They were telling me directly that they enjoyed it.
Upon further investigation, I did find however, that *some* of them really only were enjoying the rush of power they were receiving from it, not the actual act of doing it. But there were others who truly enjoyed the act.
So that blew my whole theory, didn't it?!? If some women really did enjoy it, and I didn't, then how could I find my way to enjoying it? There must be a way, where before, in my mind, there was no way.
This is the type of growth that is embarassing to admit...because I really was sooooo ignorant...but it was totally essential to my becoming the wild sex vixen I am today!
And because I am a wild sex vixen today, I feel the ability to pass on a few tips, tricks, knowledge, suggestions, etc.
Whereas before, during my ignorance, thank god no one in their right mind would have listened to me, or I would have been the female doofus of the century steering people down a path of doom!
Well, I guess I'm speaking from own experience here. I have never been with a woman that needed an hour of stimuli to O. That's just been my experience. However, I do like the idea of repeated sessions over a few hours though.... Now that would be one great gift to give.
DQ, on the flip side ask how many men really enjoy the act of going down on a woman. You get the same sort of reactions: some like it, some don't like it but do it because they know it pleases her, others won't do it at all (I have a friend like that..he's a doofus).
Oral sex is just one of those acquired tastes...pun intended.
Cinco - good point! At the time of my very ignorant assumptions, I assumed that all men must enjoy going down on a woman, because every man (very few) I had been with enjoyed it and had begged for more, and also because I myself enjoyed it, and therefore, everyone must enjoy it, right?
But you are right...upon further investigation and talking to friends etc, I found out that -- *newsflash* -- some men actually don't enjoy the act but will do it for her...and other men simply won't do it at all and don't enjoy it on any level.
Amazing! We are all different! But how delightful that we are not just all clones of each other...we each have something different to give, receive, learn, share, and offer...
Hey everybody...I am off work this week, staying at home with my fiance, and haven't been able to get on the boards at all.
Just wanted to pop in and tell you all I am still at least reading your updates once a day.
Ali - I hope you are doing ok. I am actually confused about what is going on with you right now? Maybe I missed a post. Did your H do something mean recently?
Cinco - I read your update, too. The lack of passion is something your wife CAN address...but honey, the only way she is going to find that thrust within herself to make the change is if she realizes you really are going to leave her otherwise. If she gets to that point and really REALLY gets it....THEN she can find the change within herself. And even after the ultimatum convo (if you do go through with it) it will likely still take a few years to get fully on board. But if you continue to make sure she understands that you really will not live like this, then she will get it. You keep getting too "comfortable" and you kid yourself into thinking "oh maybe things are getting better on their own". Please, just forget that thinking and drum it into your own head "she won't have the fuel needed to change without the ultimatum".
It may be good for one ML session, but then it will be bad or lacking again for another several weeks. Do NOT let that one good ML session make you think there will be lasting change.
But in your case Cinco, she loves you sooooo much that I think when you finally do get to that point, she really will be willing to get it, do it, go to counseling, etc.
Lost - Haven't heard from you so not sure what's up lately! Hopefully you are reading and learning more?
NTE - I'm glad you got the nice guy book. I really wish someone had given that one to my ex-h. His nice guy tendancies were something I was never able to address to him, because, what could I say? You are too nice? But the reality of it was, I wanted him to have a backbone. I wanted him to have a strong opinion about something (anything). I wanted him to "put me in my place" when I needed him to. But after so many years of the old nice guy/bossy woman dynamic together, I don't know if we could have turned that around or not. What did you do about the letter, did you decide to wait until she gets back?
Shelby! You have to come give us an update!!
Bagheera - Hope you are home soon.
Silly - Miss you brother, what is new on your end??
ALL - I'll pop back in later hopefully! I am in my newly remodeled backyard taking a good suntan...I am wearing an itsy bitsy bikini and heels, bringing icy drinks out to the patio for my man and myself. We have recently spent several weeks on our backyard project and are now finally in the stages of getting all the last bits and pieces together (decorative rocks, new furniture, etc). Its beautiful back there, and I am loving it!
Lost - Haven't heard from you so not sure what's up lately! Hopefully you are reading and learning more?
DQ, I'm still here. Basically doing a lot of reading and working on the NMMNG stuff from the book. And basically waiting to hear back from you on my latest scenario.
BTW...nice, cruel sense of humor - coming on a sex-starved site and talking of itsy-bitsy bikinis and high heels. Thanks for the mental image
DQ, thanks for the compliment.
