Kalni my dear, I'm not sure if I do love her anymore. I mean, I love her, but I don't love her when she's ugly. When she's mean and ugly and berates and yells, I'm not in love w/ her at all. When she's like that, I just want her to go away forever.
I know that my D is just exercising her imagination and my D has ZERO malice in her heart when she tells her little tales. She's just being a kid, but W is looking to make it a fight w/ me. Everything is an excuse for her to fight me.
Bizarre, I'm also not pleased w/ the arrangement as it does put limits on what I can and can't do w/ my life right now. I can only hope the evaluation will be finished soon so I can know what my life will be like and W will lose her ability to call the shots as she sees fit.
Yesterday, as I was waiting at the airport, I tried to call and talk w/ D, but only got voicemail. I left D a message then sent her a text as we were pulling away from the gate. I then turned off my phone and discovered that W had sent a text from D to me minutes after I turned my phone off. She purposely waited until my phone was off and could have allowed me to talk w/ D last night, but didn't.
So, that made me very angry and I decided "I am done." I am still going to be open to reconciliation w/ W if and only if she agrees to go to individual counseling and couples counseling and BOTH our counselors are given permission to contact and communicate w/ each other. If she agrees to that, I'm willing to look at trying. However, if she can't or won't do these simple things, then I'm out for good.
So what do I mean by "I am done?" I'm through caring if she is mad at me b/c she will be if she wants to be. I'm done explaining myself and defending my actions. She'll make me out to be whatever she wishes and she'll twist my words to say and mean anything she wants them to say. It doesn't matter what I think, so why should I care? I really don't right now. I finally feel like I 100% mean it too.
I'll respond to her when she's nice, but she'll no longer get me when she's ugly and mean. She may get some sarcasm at these times, but I no longer care. If she's going to be mean to me, I'm not taking it. I'll be as polite as I can, but I won't be tied up in knots afraid to be in trouble w/ her. She'll rant if she wants and I can't control it at all. Thus, I'm only being interactive w/ her when she's nice from here forward.
Mean to me now = no access to me or information from me.
