Any day now

[peacetoday]

NG
I think you handled it well
He still loves you and I sense he is really torn
he cant make the decision fully
hes been in the house a long time
longer than most here
and if he doesnt want to hurt kids well that is good
can you talk to DB coach and get advice on this

maybe see what happens if you roll over and touch him one night
I dont know but at this point -what do we have to lose??

I think your plan to be supportive and friendly is good
Im sorry for your pain ..it is so hard to wait and guess and wait more
there are no answers really
I understand the Shell that your H is as mine is too
peace

[thrillisgone]

The re-writing of history seems to be a very common thread among MLCers. I used to hear that things were so good my W was scared something bad was going to happen. I received many many cards that said "what a wonderful husband I was"

Then the bomb dropped. Suddenly it was "the last 6 years were shite". Then it was the "last 12 years". Yesterday on the phone I heard " This was coming for a long time". When I asked "how long", I got no answer.

FWIW, we had a wonderful fun filled vacation alittle over a year ago. We had a very nice Christmas '07, sang with eachother on New Years and had a blast. Jan 08 birthdays were great. Feb 08 it was obvious something was wrong. By March 08 my W was gone.

MLCers re-write history I think to assuage their guilt and justify their actions. They don't call it Oz for nothing :-)

Hang in there....for yourself if nothing else.

[new_attitude]

(((NG))) I'm sorry about the confusing signals he's sending you. Who knows what he's thinking?
Hugs...

[Upside]

Hi NG-

I am sure the mixed messages have to be difficult but I think you are doing the right thing by watching out for your feelings. If you can handle more, then let yourself go there...if it is going to bring you more pain, then stay away from anything you can't handle.

Your H is so confused. He says he wants out but is so afraid to make the final step. Do what you have been doing...not giving him any reason to make that step...but at the same time be prepared that he might.

I hope things get easier for you...and I hope your H quickly figures out that grass isn't any greener.

((((HUGS))))

Upside

[Purr]

Hi NG,

Just checking in on you and to say hi. Hope you are nursing your wounds a little today and that you are hanging in there. I really feel for you and can imagine the torment and crazymaking feelings that are going on with these very difficult boundaries.

Do take care,

Purr

[Mike85]

The re-writing of history seems to be a very common thread among MLCers.

Yep.

- When W first dropped bomb, she told me "I've been unhappy for months."
- When we saw our first counselor (from EAP), it became "I've been unhappy for about a year."
- When we saw our current C, it became "I've been unhappy for about two years."
- Eventually, W revised this to "I've been unhappy even before I met H... no one has EVER asked me what I wanted to do... I've always just done what's expected of me..."

W at one point blamed her weight gain over 18 years to "sublimating unhappiness through eating" - not to our poor diets and lack of exercise, not to our slowing metabolisms, not to her having had two kids, not to genetics (her mom and grandmom were overweight). Blamed her failing out of college years ago on an almost conspiratorial arrangement between her advisor and a dean (instead of her own partying), blamed her business's lack of success on government policies, her employees, etc. (instead on some egregiously horrible decisions on her part), blamed our not being able to live the thrill-a-minute beach lifestyle she now craved on MY lack of income (never mind that my job has always made up at least 80% of our household income and provides the benefits).

My point? My W, like many MLCers, has revised their life story to rationalize the incredibly selfish, destructive, hurtful decisions she made and keeps making. If she acknowledges the truth - that we've built a wonderful life together, have had amazing times, and have been there for each other through thick and thin - then she would have no way to defend her moving out and shacking up with OM.

And as for the mixed messages - I've been there too. On what turned out to be our last night together, W was feeling blue (combination of PMS, overcast string of days, my unexpected helpfulness in getting her stuff in the van to let her move out), and she wanted me to lay in bed with her, hold her, and watch a movie with her. We spent all night cuddling. She gave me a HUGE hug and kiss the next morning. Then, like I said - she wound up not spending another night at home.

It's frustrating. It's confusing. It's depressing. It angers me. It tries my strength, my patience, my compassion, and my faith.

If it weren't for Michele's books, the wonderful folks on this board, my counselor, my renewed faith, my supportive friends and family, I might have given up long ago. Instead, I am resolved to stand for my marriage. It's still hard at times, but it gets easier.

I pray a lot more. I surround myself with people who support my DB efforts, including the people here. I refuse to spend time with well-meaning friends or family that want me to pursue a vendetta and/or file for D. I believe that optimism and pessimism are both self-fulfilling, so I choose the former. In the meantime, I work on me. My W went from a seething hatred of me and saying that I made her skin crawl to -in six weeks- now working to maintain a friendship with me, giving me hugs and kisses. The OM thing still hurts, but that's what therapy is for.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I figured that maybe knowing that others, including me, have been put through this might help. Knowing that I wasn't alone helped me.

Like others have said, hang in there.

And strap yourself in...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

[Nature Girl]

Well, I was working at home yesterday and H paid me a little surprise visit with no warning. He came home to finalize plans to tell the kids.

Surprisingly, I held it all together and treated it like some kind of business deal until the very end and some tears came.

We tell the kids tomorrow after their camp. H will say that it is his decision to separate.

He will show the kids his place next Wednesday.

He will move out next weekend.

Our weekly schedule: kids will be with H Sat. evening through Tuesday afternoon. Kids will be with me Tues afternoon through Sat. evening.

I'm not sure how I will manage that first Sat. night without either of my kids, but I know I will.

This morning I told my boss what has been going on with me since March 07. She is also a friend, not someone I do things with outside of work, but a friend. She says she has no idea how I kept it from everyone at work all this time, that I seemed so normal and got my work done. She can't beleive it. She is supportive. I had to explain that I had no idea on if or when I'd be at work next week - this week was supposed to be our beach vacation so the kids are not in camp and I had planned on not working at all anyway (I am sooooo thankful that my job gives me that kind of flexibility).

When I have some energy, I'll write about some of the mlc type things my H said during our discussion.

You'd think I'd be used to it after 16 months - but sometimes it just really blows my mind!

[peacetoday]

NG
I am sorry
(((((Hugs)))))
peace

[ba065]

NG:

I am so sorry...but don't give up hope. Maybe H needs some time apart to see what really matters! I know people tell me the same thing and it doesn't make it any easier...but it may be true!

My H said the same thing June 15th...and then again 2 weeks ago...but he hasn't made any moves.

I'm thinking of you! ((((((((NG)))))))
Be strong!

BA

[Upside]

NG-
I am so sorry that your H is making this choice. Keep being strong. You already know that you will make through regardless...so you are past the worst...keep reminding yourself of that.

I will be thinking of you. If you still have my number, call me anytime you need someone to talk to.

(((HUGS)))

Upside