Thanks ITH. Remember it this way. You met and fell in love once already, right? That was as whole people. So the odds are in your favor for it to happen again over someone else he's never met yet.
I would keep plans, itineraries, and visits to myself, away from him, as much as you can. I think sharing them overmuch may seem like pressure to him, and thus be seen as controlling. I get the impression that he will view much of anything that he doesn't ask for as controlling. This includes offers to edit and proofread and all that other stuff.
I am sooo glad I just saw your post. I was in the middle of a very long email to him. Basically we have agreed to finalize a joint budget for these 3 months. I am putting it together. Of course it includes things like my flights to and from Poland, and it included a flight for him to Poland. I included a lot of stuff in the email about where I would stay when I came to town, how I could stay in the spare bedroom, or we could add budget for a hotel.
Maybe I should can the email and adopt this "take it as it comes" mentality about those details.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So just to ask this then and get another perspective...we've agreed I should come back for counseling sessions etc. every 2-3 weeks. However he really feels like he won't have his free space if I stay in the house when I come. That said, our pets are in the house, and I feel I have the right to be there. If he doesn't want me in his space, he should get a hotel during this time...however we need to budget for that. Do you think I should just leave that point out and mention only that I'll be back on X dates and let him run with the details? My fear is that at the end of the 3 months he'll say he had no space because I was always coming to stay...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I would plan a hotel for myself and tell him that when you're in town, you may come by to get or see the pets. If he wants to know more, he can ask. If he doesn't ask, that's his problem.
HI there! Jen pointed me over here. She is great I have been here since October 2006. X had an affair with somone at the vet where we took all our animals. She knew me well. Anyhow, he left to never look back. He bored easily, and when he was unhappy with things he would leave. (job, marriges). I have met some wonderful people here. Met some in person even.(I have met BH) This place has been my saving grace. Just to chat with people going through similar things knowing that I was not the only person on the earth going though the drama was a huge comfort. I have been Divorced for almost a year. It has gotten easier but I still down days. But what matters most is that I survived, and you will too. No matter the outcome.Take things day by day. Allow yourself to hurt, to cry, or to just laugh. Get back into things that made you happy like the gym. Reconnect with old friends. Make new ones. Like I said, these boards are a huge help. Ask questions, get advice or just plain cry. We have all been there and will gladly help in every way possible
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
I am always completely amazed by everyone's stories. I cannot imagine how you coped, but you did and you sound really strong. I'm so impressed. I think you're right about the board. It is always inspiring to see what other people have managed to work through, whatever the end result.
I hope you are well.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So H and I IM every day (no R talk, but there is talk about the logistics of our separation and our budget, as well as timing for counseling), but don't talk on the phone, but to be fair it's only been 3 nights since I moved out. For anyone who hasn't read the thread through, I am going to go to Poland for a couple of months soon. In the meantime I'm living in limbo, staying in a corporate apartment next door to my office. I am still in town while H goes on a business trip, so starting Monday I will stay at the house 3 nights and watch the pets while he is away. The next week again he'll be on a business trip for a few days, and then the following week I go on a business trip to India. So there are a lot of in between days where we need to figure things out. Of course my big hope is that he asks me to come and stay at the house even in a separate bedroom, but I don't think he can see beyond his own need to be separate from me. He is not even thinking for one minute about how difficult this is for me, not even emotionally, but logistically with all of my things, moving place to place, missing the pets etc. I feel like this entire process is now about him, and sometimes I wonder whether I am losing my dignity and being a doormat, or whether I am simply making a sacrifice to make up for problems I might have caused in the past. There are about 5 in-between days between now and my trip to Poland where I do not have a place to stay, and I am not sure whether I should bring these up or not. If I do try to stay in the house, he will not consider this time as time toward our 3 month S, and will want more time apart. However I am not sure whether I should ask him to stay somewhere else during this time, whether I should reserve a hotel room for him...
In terms of the times over the next 3 months when I come back from Poland, then I will stay in a hotel myself as suggested. It is just that at the moment I have only 1 small suitcase full of stuff and am, as I mentioned, essentially in limbo...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
My thought is, that this doesn't sound much like a separation just now. I would sever communication, unless absolutely necessary, and unless he comes to you to talk. I don't mean give him the cold shoulder. I do mean, that it's time to look at what may be a crutch for you or him to hang on. When we first split, my ex and I texted and IMed constantly. It was because it maintained some familiarity for me, and gave her a way to get my help when she wanted it.
He wants to be separate. You need to define for yourself, in unquestionable terms, what that word means. Then you need to stick by that definition. Ween yourself from the marriage tit as it were. I'm betting you're already thinking of how you can handle a lot of the things you text about all by yourself. So, do it. This is the hard part starting in. The actually looking at yourself and changing some major things part.
