losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[LosingSunshine]

As hard as this is to understand.. whether she is or is not have a EA/PA is somewhat irrelevant.. even if it has some "gay" tendencies. The affair is just a.. "outcome" of the situation people find themselves in.

FG, I agree with this. The EA/PA is a symptom and I understand that. It's just unfortunate.

The question becomes.. is a EA/PA a deal breaker for you. If its not.. then you will have to "hold your tongue".. and deal with it once things change. You can tell the OP that it is unacceptable.. but you kinda need to leave it at that. The more you focus on it and point it out.. the quicker they may move toward that OP.

If it is a deal breaker.. then get your stuff together.. and file for the D.

Like I said last night, I am waffling with this still. Some days yes, some days no. Probably leaning more to yes right now as I am amazed at how much she is willing to walk away from and that she didn't even give us a chance by going to C.

Things can happen quickly.. depends on the state you were married in.. and if kids are involved.

In SD, there is no legal separation requirement prior to D...only if the parties agree to do this prior to D. Once you are served, the 30 days start ticking to respond. After the 30 days, then it becomes final after a 60 day period. The speed all depends upon how much we choose to battle. We both prefer working on a settlement but alas, we are at an impasse (visitation vs residence) on the custody. Silly issue.

It also depends on how.. "set" the OP is on getting things moving. With enough money.. you can make anything "happen"..

Money will be an issue for everyone. She has none. OW has none. I have none. Parents are footing the legal bills right now and the tap is running dry. If this turns to a battle, we will have no assets left at the end to offset the debt we have.

Don't focus on what may be taking place.. focus on what you can control.. and change. LS can't change if his wife is having a EA/PA. LS can't change the pace of things.. to a point. LS can't change that his wife wont listen. LS can't change that his family is going to suffer some.

LS can walk thru this with his head held high.. and make decisions that have long term "good" effects. LS can do his best to transition to a "new" life for his family.. down the road.. that will pay off.

This is what I am doing and will continue doing. I am surprised about last night. If this would have been last week, I would have been a miserable wreck. Now, I just listen to her and let it slide, come here and post. Keeping happy. End game is getting nearer and my happiness is growing stronger.

We get so caught up in what is here and now.. and we loose sight of what will be.

I try not to think too much about the future. I just keep myslef assured that things will not be just okay, but will be a new life for me alone, or with W in a new M. I just worry about losing my kids and am getting everything together to ensure that won't happen.

I love the tone of his (LS) posting.. if I am right.. he is going to come thru this with flying colors. It shows me he is thinking.. about the things he can effect a change in..

Thanks FG for saying this. It means a lot. I haven't gone back to read the beginning of my postings and will sometime in the future. I bet I will see a tone change along the way, less panic, and more confidence. The only thing I can say to the othe DBers out there, no matter what you do, place as much emphasis on the GAL and fixing you. I may lose my W and M and if this happens, I will be walking into the future a new, confident man ready to explore, share and love.

We both let our love die, she's walking away, the family is crumbling but she can't take away or throw away one thing. That's me and everything about me. Only I can throw that away.

Chris