Their face lights up when he beeps that horn in a way that he does not even deserve most of the time.
is SO true!
I'm amazed that no matter how many times he's bailed (although she hasn't always known about the times) she still lights up to see him.
I know this is an old topic (RE: make the M work, even after D) so I won't harp on it too long.
There are times/people......that you just can NOT deal with or trust. This makes it extremely difficult to co-parent. If a man is a man of his word, that is a bit different. But when he's not, you have no trust. There's no way that I would WANT to work on getting back together.
There are so many positives to this D, and I realize I'm in the wrong spot for saying that, but this is America, not Nazi Germany. I have a much improved relationship with my D. Why? Because previously when he lived @ the house & we were married, I was always the bad guy. So if she didn't want to get dressed in the AM, it was somehow always my fault. Everything was.
Would I go back? NOPE! Her and I are great.
I am a product of divorce, I can relate to her, but that being said - I wouldn't go back either and if you don't know others situations, you shouldn't push for that. I think it has to be a case by case basis.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I am not d yet but it has been 5 years. He is not as bad as some but not very consistent. My ds miss him. They should not have to miss a parent. But they are over all happy. I surround them with people who love them. I too am a full time student with not much money but my children lack for nothing. I am also giving them a lesson in economics while their father lavishes them with toys and treats. But in the end they will learn a lot more from me.
I do think this is a valuable thread. We do the best we can as single parents. Our children will thrive because of how well we raise them but I do agree the most ideal situation would be two loving parents in the same home.
SG, this is a great discussion. I'm hearing so many people give me ideas on how I can make life better for my girls. My situation isn't as extreme as others, but the hurt is there and I want the best for them.
As a child I lived through 2 divorces. One was violent and painful. I was the 'prize' to my grandmother who wanted to punish my mother for divorcing her son. Her sun the drunk bar room brawler. So I never knew my mother and I had a strict, mean grandmother.
But I turned out ok.
You really opened a hot topic here, a lot of healing is happening on this thread. Thanks for not locking it when it turned. I think people need to vent and heal.
SG, Yes, it is personal to ALL of us. I only meant that at the time of my first post, I could not respond w/out my post being about ME and MY past situation. I wasn't sure at the time if that was the "correct" way to respond.
And, since you saw my first post, I still stand by my opening statement...I think you should have started this thread w/ the statements you made on the other thread...not by quoting someone else's statements that you didn't agree with. JMO.
I do agree w/ what frank_d said about this thread.
divorce is great for kids. just ask mine whome are probably pretty close to seeing their mom go through another one and just saw their dad watch his mom die over two months with no companionship or emotional support at all. not crying about it, just stating the facts. as much as i'd hate to agree with "big brother" up in here, news flash: divorce sucks for your children. unless there are extreme circumstances, the fact is they don't get over it. and that can be looked up in studies. they can be happy, yes. and life isn't hopeless for them, it's not all doom and gloom. but call a spade a spade, it isn't good for children. wake up, quit sugar coating crap. it's getting old. sure we were left behind, but we need to make up to our children for our part in that divorce. the first step in that is to recognize that this is more than just "not an ideal situation". it's good to find the positives in your life, we all have to. and i know that my kids will be fine. i had a wonderful woman that they both loved, who unfortunately wasn't over her own issues and it didn't work out. however, even if it would have, would my two boys have been better off than if xw and i never gotten a D? no
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
No one is saying that divorce is good for the kids. Absolutely no one. If you got that message from the posts on this thread, then you must have been looking at a different thread.
The heart of this thread is about what we can do to make sure that our kids survive and thrive DESPITE the divorce between their parents.
Too many people on this website have used the children to beat people up who were headed for or thinking about divorce. There is no one on this site, regardless of the state of their failing marriage, who is deluded enough to think that divorce does not negatively impact the kids.
For those of us who have experienced divorce already, we have often heard of it likened to a death in the family in terms of the pain it brings. For our children this is perhaps not as easy a comparison to make, because many of them have not yet experienced the death of a loved one in their life. Our children lose that sense of security that comes with having two loving parents at home to support and guide them. In hostile separations it is even worse - our kids see the two people they love going at one another and bringing intense pain to each other.
I'm no expert. But I am now 20 months post divorce. I can tell you that the four months leading up to the divorce were incredibly traumatic for my youngest son who lived at home with me.
He saw his father, a big, strong football coach who was rarely knocked to his knees by anything, crumbling under the weight of being left by his spouse of 21 years. He dealt with being told by his mother that she had slept with a man who was only 2 years older than his older brother. He saw his father in tears far too often, saw him lose weight from not eating or sleeping.
That period of time was not good for him, and I am to blame for that. In MY hurt and MY pain, I could NOT be the father that I needed to be for him.
Twenty months post divorce and things are much different. I know it hurts him that his mother chose to move 500 miles away from him to be with her new man. I know that he wonders how she can justify giving up her role as wife and mother the way that she did.
But you know what? He has a father once again. I have spoken with him so many times. I took him to counseling so that he could talk about what was going on with his parents. Is he glad that we divorced? Of course not. Is his life back to being pretty good for a 16 year old again? Yes. He has friends over, he plays sports at school, he gets good grades, he plays with the dogs and wrestles with his Dad. He talks to his Mom on the phone a couple times a week and sees her every couple months or so.
Most importantly, he hears his Mother and Father when they talk on the phone now and he hears peace and cooperation. When we meet to pick him up or drop him off, he sees his parents talking nicely to each other and asking how the other is doing.
We can't take the divorce away. Just about all of us on this site who are divorced, got a divorce we were not looking for and never planned to have. What the hell would you have us do about that? Give up?
No.
If you want to proceed with dwelling on the negatives associated with being divorced, be my guest.
The point of this thread is NOT that kids are ok with divorce.
The point of this thread is that WE have something to do with whether or not our kids SURVIVE and eventually THRIVE DESPITE having parents who have divorced.
I will NEVER agree that my children are doomed because of the actions of their parents. My ex spouse took so much from us as a family. We have suffered and lost so much because of her selfish actions. I REFUSE to believe that her actions will cause hurt forever.
My son WILL continue to be a GREAT kid. He will know real love from BOTH his parents, despite our inability to live with each other. He will have EVERY opportunity that he ever dreamed of having. He will NEVER AGAIN see his parents at each others throats, or in such pain that they cannot function. And he will grow up to be a HAPPY and completely SUCCESSFUL young man that we all will be proud of.
Your post was WAY out of line.
Nobody here is a fan of divorce.
And nobody here thinks kids are fans of divorce.
And nobody here believes that a divorce is just what our kids want.
We KNOW instead that our kids will be every bit as healthy as their friend who are not divorced.
Because WE will MAKE it so.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
don't get me wrong bill, again i said in most cases.... i am very happy for you and deb, you deserve each other, and it is awesome that God graced your children with her and hers with you. i want my children to see that mutual love and respect that they do not now, in either household. the fact is that the abuse and abandonment situations are uncommon. too often children are bounced back n forth. no it isn't better for them to not see one of the parents, but in most cases, it would be better for the kids had the parents just stuck it out.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Phoenyx, I will simply say I am sorry to hear about your mom..... I know that was tough to go through and I hope you are doing ok. It is never a good thing to watch your parent pass on and I know how much you loved her.
