Any day now

[Mike85]

The re-writing of history seems to be a very common thread among MLCers.

Yep.

- When W first dropped bomb, she told me "I've been unhappy for months."
- When we saw our first counselor (from EAP), it became "I've been unhappy for about a year."
- When we saw our current C, it became "I've been unhappy for about two years."
- Eventually, W revised this to "I've been unhappy even before I met H... no one has EVER asked me what I wanted to do... I've always just done what's expected of me..."

W at one point blamed her weight gain over 18 years to "sublimating unhappiness through eating" - not to our poor diets and lack of exercise, not to our slowing metabolisms, not to her having had two kids, not to genetics (her mom and grandmom were overweight). Blamed her failing out of college years ago on an almost conspiratorial arrangement between her advisor and a dean (instead of her own partying), blamed her business's lack of success on government policies, her employees, etc. (instead on some egregiously horrible decisions on her part), blamed our not being able to live the thrill-a-minute beach lifestyle she now craved on MY lack of income (never mind that my job has always made up at least 80% of our household income and provides the benefits).

My point? My W, like many MLCers, has revised their life story to rationalize the incredibly selfish, destructive, hurtful decisions she made and keeps making. If she acknowledges the truth - that we've built a wonderful life together, have had amazing times, and have been there for each other through thick and thin - then she would have no way to defend her moving out and shacking up with OM.

And as for the mixed messages - I've been there too. On what turned out to be our last night together, W was feeling blue (combination of PMS, overcast string of days, my unexpected helpfulness in getting her stuff in the van to let her move out), and she wanted me to lay in bed with her, hold her, and watch a movie with her. We spent all night cuddling. She gave me a HUGE hug and kiss the next morning. Then, like I said - she wound up not spending another night at home.

It's frustrating. It's confusing. It's depressing. It angers me. It tries my strength, my patience, my compassion, and my faith.

If it weren't for Michele's books, the wonderful folks on this board, my counselor, my renewed faith, my supportive friends and family, I might have given up long ago. Instead, I am resolved to stand for my marriage. It's still hard at times, but it gets easier.

I pray a lot more. I surround myself with people who support my DB efforts, including the people here. I refuse to spend time with well-meaning friends or family that want me to pursue a vendetta and/or file for D. I believe that optimism and pessimism are both self-fulfilling, so I choose the former. In the meantime, I work on me. My W went from a seething hatred of me and saying that I made her skin crawl to -in six weeks- now working to maintain a friendship with me, giving me hugs and kisses. The OM thing still hurts, but that's what therapy is for.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I figured that maybe knowing that others, including me, have been put through this might help. Knowing that I wasn't alone helped me.

Like others have said, hang in there.

And strap yourself in...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.