No one is saying that divorce is good for the kids. Absolutely no one. If you got that message from the posts on this thread, then you must have been looking at a different thread.
The heart of this thread is about what we can do to make sure that our kids survive and thrive DESPITE the divorce between their parents.
Too many people on this website have used the children to beat people up who were headed for or thinking about divorce. There is no one on this site, regardless of the state of their failing marriage, who is deluded enough to think that divorce does not negatively impact the kids.
For those of us who have experienced divorce already, we have often heard of it likened to a death in the family in terms of the pain it brings. For our children this is perhaps not as easy a comparison to make, because many of them have not yet experienced the death of a loved one in their life. Our children lose that sense of security that comes with having two loving parents at home to support and guide them. In hostile separations it is even worse - our kids see the two people they love going at one another and bringing intense pain to each other.
I'm no expert. But I am now 20 months post divorce. I can tell you that the four months leading up to the divorce were incredibly traumatic for my youngest son who lived at home with me.
He saw his father, a big, strong football coach who was rarely knocked to his knees by anything, crumbling under the weight of being left by his spouse of 21 years. He dealt with being told by his mother that she had slept with a man who was only 2 years older than his older brother. He saw his father in tears far too often, saw him lose weight from not eating or sleeping.
That period of time was not good for him, and I am to blame for that. In MY hurt and MY pain, I could NOT be the father that I needed to be for him.
Twenty months post divorce and things are much different. I know it hurts him that his mother chose to move 500 miles away from him to be with her new man. I know that he wonders how she can justify giving up her role as wife and mother the way that she did.
But you know what? He has a father once again. I have spoken with him so many times. I took him to counseling so that he could talk about what was going on with his parents. Is he glad that we divorced? Of course not. Is his life back to being pretty good for a 16 year old again? Yes. He has friends over, he plays sports at school, he gets good grades, he plays with the dogs and wrestles with his Dad. He talks to his Mom on the phone a couple times a week and sees her every couple months or so.
Most importantly, he hears his Mother and Father when they talk on the phone now and he hears peace and cooperation. When we meet to pick him up or drop him off, he sees his parents talking nicely to each other and asking how the other is doing.
We can't take the divorce away. Just about all of us on this site who are divorced, got a divorce we were not looking for and never planned to have. What the hell would you have us do about that? Give up?
No.
If you want to proceed with dwelling on the negatives associated with being divorced, be my guest.
The point of this thread is NOT that kids are ok with divorce.
The point of this thread is that WE have something to do with whether or not our kids SURVIVE and eventually THRIVE DESPITE having parents who have divorced.
I will NEVER agree that my children are doomed because of the actions of their parents. My ex spouse took so much from us as a family. We have suffered and lost so much because of her selfish actions. I REFUSE to believe that her actions will cause hurt forever.
My son WILL continue to be a GREAT kid. He will know real love from BOTH his parents, despite our inability to live with each other. He will have EVERY opportunity that he ever dreamed of having. He will NEVER AGAIN see his parents at each others throats, or in such pain that they cannot function. And he will grow up to be a HAPPY and completely SUCCESSFUL young man that we all will be proud of.
Your post was WAY out of line.
Nobody here is a fan of divorce.
And nobody here thinks kids are fans of divorce.
And nobody here believes that a divorce is just what our kids want.
We KNOW instead that our kids will be every bit as healthy as their friend who are not divorced.
Because WE will MAKE it so.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
