Bring on the Rain - Part 4

[Rob1231]

Today when he told me that he might go back to IN because he doesn't have a place to stay, it hurt. However, I was strong enough to realize that letting him back in wasn't an option. I can't bend for him on this. That's not something that I would have done 6 months...maybe even 2 months ago.

Good for you!

Let me just point out: If H was on these boards, and made a statement like he might go back to IN because he doesn't have a place to stay, people would be swinging 2x4's at him right and left. Seriously, this is just plain old Victim Talk.

First, is it realistic that there is NOWHERE in the town where you live today that he could stay? No friends he could ask? No apartments he could rent, even for a short time until he finds something better? NOTHING AT ALL?

Second, just how hard has Poor Lil' H looked anyways? Has he asked any of those friends? Has he applied for any of those apartments? I'm thinking... not!

H wanted his freedom, so now he's got it. He's free to... Run Home To Mommy And Daddy!? Impressive!

[karen43]

The A is not the cause of your family's problems - it is just one symptom. If OW told H they were done and she never wanted to see him again - that still is a LONG ways from your own R being repaired. The source of the problems is H himself - don't lose sight of that.

Rob, I agree with that mostly, but the only thing is I think that the A tends to be a major distraction that prevents the WAS from working on the marriage and just giving up and walking away. My H did tell me at one point that if it wasn't for the OW that he would have tried counseling and working on the M. Of course, it still might not have worked out, but I do think the OW and his addiction to her has prevented H from even trying to work on the marriage.

I think if a lot of the As ended that the WAS would start looking around, come out of the fog a bit, and realize they are being crazy and/or idiots or whatever. To use your icky bandaid analogy, once it falls off or is gone then the WAS realizes they have a scratch or problem or whatever they need to work on and the icky bandaid didn't help or if anything made things worse? (Love that analogy btw--thanks for that!) Karen

[SueS]

Rob-

I know that if H really reached out, he could find a place to stay....sacking out on a friend's couch. I mean c'mon, what about all of his 20-something friends that were good enough to hit the bars with? There are also a ton of motels in the area that he can stay at that would work out to be no less than rent anyway.

I also have to remember that if H didn't have his DUI to contend with and his job performance was up a little, his attitude and outlook on the situation would likely be very different. Right now, he's only driving to/from work. That puts a tremendous damper on the time he can spend with OW. Not just from his end, but OW has 4 kids and they're not in school right now. OW's husband is back working, so she's at home with the kids all day. She could leave them with someone, I guess, but she's trying not to take too many chances with her actions as far as they go right now. She is planning on trying to get custody of them.

Applied for apartments??? I know he called on one. That's all I'm aware of. He thought he had a place with me. Not sure why he didn't scramble more this past week. It was last Monday that I told him he couldn't move with us.

Your comment about H wanting his freedom... I told a good friend the same thing today. He wanted this. I didn't. I have to remind myself that HE wanted this.

Karen- Just ask Rob or look at my thread. I have a tough time keeping OW and my other marital issues separated. H has told me that she has nothing to do with this. She didn't start our problems, but as you feel, I also feel like she was the barrier to us ever being able to work on things. Just couldn't happen with her in the picture.

Feels so odd now that things are coming down to the wire. My mind is a scrambled mess. I don't know what to put where. H, D4 and I were doing something last night and it hit me.....this won't happen again. My boss is having another tough day. Not my fault this time!! He said, Sue, I'm just so ready for this day to be over. I said, I'm ready for the week to be done...I'm already running on empty. I was sitting here about an hour ago and started to get light headed and sick to my stomach. It hit me.....I hadn't eaten anything since late yesterday afternoon.

SueS

[LL44]

Eat, Santa, Eat!!! Take care of Sue and Little Sue. Let Mr. Sue realize he is the one that wanted this.

I have to chant to myself when H is taking on the victim role "H wanted this. I have done nothing wrong"

Honestly, someone asked me today if I would have preferred to be the one that cheated. No way. No way. I couldn't live with it, the guilt. I would probably be lashing out as well. I would rather be the LBS if I had to choose.

Time for Sue and D4 to make some new, fun house plans and traditions...Let D4 decorate her room, take a few pictures, and frame them (print one of Daddy too, and frame for her new room). Heck, paint or color and frame those.

I am so proud of you!

[kat727]

I think all WAS convince themselves that OP has nothing to do with the marriage stalling or failing. How else could they possibly deal with the guilt?

My issue is that I need to try to stop figuring him out and what he is thinking. I know my marriage meant something to me and I got 4 great kids in the deal. Maybe you go through the same thought processes. ((((Sue))))

kat

[Yoyowife]

((((((Sues))))))

You are going to be okay once you move. As a matter fact you are going to be better than okay.

Let's start a list of the positives:

1. No more walking on eggshells.
2. You will have the bed to yourself or you and your DD can
snuggle in it!
3. You can read in bed anytime you want and not worry about the
light bothering your spouse
4. You can make up your bed in the morning...if you want to...
5. You can have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner
your DD will think it's a gourment meal
6. You will have control of the remote! Well, you may have to
share it with your DD, LOL.
7. Your toilet seat will always be down!

There are many more. Anyone else want to add to the list?

[LL44]

8. When you leave the house nice and clean, that is how it is when you get home!
9. No more listening to H on the computer, for the garage door, or worrying about his moods.
10. Go to bed when you want, climb out of bed when you want (ok, in time for work lol), but you are your own boss. Or, is D4 boss of you, like in my house?
11. Less laundry
12. No more walking on eggshells (I had to repeat it)


MWAH!

[Rob1231]

Wanted to reply to Karen. I don't think we're disagreeing at all!

The big thing I would like to stress is that the OP is not the real problem, and while them being gone certainly doesn't hurt - it is not the solution either. It's very tempting for us as LBS's to put too much of our focus on the OP's, and the danger there is that this distracts our focus from where it should be instead - working on ourselves, PMA, GAL, etc.

[Rob1231]

And I love the list! How about...

13. No more waking up in the middle of the night to find out he hasn't come home yet.
14. No more totally inappropriate attempts by H to "initiate".
15. No more H pouting.
16. No more H temper tantrums.
17. No more H blaming you for his problems.
18. No more stumbling across evidence of his lies and irresponsible behavior (concert tickets, etc.)
19. No more temptation to snoop at his phone.
20. No more walking on eggshells (yeah, I like that one a lot too!)

[fightingirish]

ok Sues, You are doing great, I am also so proud of you that you stayed so strong and followed through with everything!!!

21. No more worrying about what he is or isn't doing.
22. No more drinking issues
23. No more H crisis problems (dui etc.)
24. You get D4 to snuggle with whenever you want!
25. NO MORE EGGSHELLS!!! hehe.. had to say it dittooo



Peace my friend!