Journaling, Today the coaster came around. I was on for a bit but after a couple of phone calls to friends I got off. Lots of self doubt today. I wonder if I'm normal. I wonder if I'm F'd up.
The thought of starting over again, financially, in a new house...any new relationship scares me. The thoughts of attempting to make new friends in a hometown that I left in 1999 intimidates me. All my single friends that were there are now married and I am a third wheel. I really know no one but family, my coworkers are all married..I'm intimidated by all this newness. While drywalling my new place today I felt lonely, my mom was there but still I was lonely. My thoughts drifted to how and why I git here and it made me sad. I wondered how I had true love in the palm of my hand and pissed it away. I wonder if it was really true love.
I wondered if I would ever be loved again?
I wondered if I was ever truly loved in either my 1st or 2nd M?
I wonder if I really know how love feels..relationship love?
The only love I've ever truly felt is the love of my D..It is pure love. It's a love that's not f'ed up yet.
It's all coulda, woulda, shoulda and it sucks out the arse.
So as you can see, lots of questions. Lots of self doubt.
I've been here before and it sucked. I can remember it, the loneliness still haunts me..
I know where I'm going, just don't know when I'll get there.
It's hard for me to believe in me right now. I wish I had more self confidence, I wish I was a better communicator. I wish I was outgoing and able to just start up a conversation.
I wish, I wish, I wish..
It is what it is..and it sucks.
Mike you must be reading my mind. These are alot of the same questions I have asked myself many times. Your Ws did love you or they would never have M you in the first place. You will find someone again your a great guy with alot to offer plus look how much you have learned and how much you have to offer someone.
Keep the faith Mike and stay off that rollercoaster. All this is new and changes like this are scary and I understand that loneliness feeling but you have lots of friends in the real world and on this board. I know it does not make up for your loss but we are here for you.
Hug that D of yours she will get you through this. Take care today Mike you are just tired and these feelings will pass.
