fighting to save my marriage

[grant]

Thanks guys. It is a real relief to have somewhere to go to share these things with people who understand the pain and the enormous superhuman struggles. I have read (and reread) "Divorce Remedy", and it has been only in the last week that I have been trying to implement some of the techniques. It is scary, and almost completely counter-intuitive, but much of it makes a great deal of sense to me. My online affair lasted about 6 months. Let me be clear that through all that time, although I was consumed with sexual feelings for this OP, I never stopped loving or wanting to make love to my wife. I have always found her to be beautiful, and think that I always let her know that. When my wife found out about this online relationship, she was devastated, and I offered to leave. Not to resume the online relationship, but out of respect for her. I was utterly dumbfounded when she, within 2 days, completely resumed our relationship and with a sexual passion we had not had for many years. Unfortunately, I realise now that we did not properly deal with the core issues, and though I felt as our relationship seemed to be so loving and passionate, she/we had moved on, she had clearly not. The further complication to this, and the realisation that I did indeed have a problem with sexual addiction, is that even with wonderful lovemaking, I was still using pornography when I was away from home. I know that this was partly because I was lonely, isolated and of low self esteem. But clearly, I was self-medicating inappropriately, and had sexual issues. But the tragedy of this, as is so often the case, I could not come to that realisation until my wife told me that she no longer loved me, and our marriage was effectively over. It wasn't just the affair from which she had never recovered, but a growing realisation that she could not be with a man who continued to seek out sexual release in inaapropriate ways. A digital adultery, if you will. I now fully appreciate and understand this, and completely and uttely respect her views. Also, it made her think about her life, and where she wanted to be in a few years. The children are older now, and they don't require as much of her attention. She doesn't want to be with someone in a seemingly loveless and unsatisfying marriage. God, who would?
She was pleased when I initiated therapy and the 12 step meetings, but was at pains to assure me, that I should be doing it for myself, and not out of any expectation of it repairing our marriage. She did not want to give me "false hope". But, as I knew I had a problem, and knew that it had destroyed or marriage, I had to get help. Of course, for myself, but for my wife and family. In my earlier "fog", I had foolishly insisted to her, that because of her refusal to work on our M, that she wanted a divorce. She was not drawn by that, and insisted that it was "too soon". How wise is she, and how stupid am I ? I have not brought it up again, and it hasn't really been mentioned. Told her that I wanted to be friends, and go home at weekends to see the kids. Since 180 ing, she has called a few times, and at least we can talk now. I see this as my only hope. But God, it's true, it's the most difficult thing you'll ever do. To love from afar, to affirm unconditionally, and to put all your needs and dreams to one side............. I have to believe in the impossible.