Thinking of biting the bullet

[AmyC]

My own desire to be a good wife and mother has just left me with a broken family and I'm finding it incredibly hard to come to terms with that. The only thing I ever wanted in my whole life and I destroyed it. I forgiven my H his As but I can't forgive myself.

I felt that in my heart when I read it.
I don't have any words of wisdom but I can speak to you about my own experience with unforgiveness of self and maybe...maybe help you in some way.

I used to say that if a person who claimed to be a believer in God couldn't forgive themselves for something then they were basically saying that Christ's dying on the cross wasn't good enough for them. It was something I'd heard someone say when I was a baby Christian and I latched onto it never knowing the trouble it would cause me later. When I think back to all the people I then made that same statement to...even here...well I just hope God will show them that I was wrong and that they, and He, will forgive me for possibly heeping further guilt upon them.

As a former MLCer and once-strong stander who plummeted from grace on more than one occasion due to impatience, pride and unforgiveness of myself, I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that a failure to truly forgive yourself will destroy you. More than likely though, you don't even care. Because in your mind, if you blew this - the family thing - WTF else is there out there to try and master and moreover, who gives a rat's ass if you do master ANYTHING else because the fruits of your mistakes are going to be born out over and over again before your very eyes for decades to come...through your children - the babies that were so innocent and trusting of you from the moment you first held them...everything that happens to them, every quirk and dysfunction they end up with is going to be a reflection on you - and will keep the spotlight upon your failures as a mother. And wife. You can never escape it and this will never be a past that is at rest for you.

Those thoughts, and all those other ones I know you have, can literally make you consider buying the farm by your own hand. I know, because I was right there not very long ago. Guilt took me to a very dark place and it was only the little bit of Light that I had in me that allowed me to come back from that place after having the crap scared out of me. That's grace. God's willingness to get involved in my (and your) life.

ACJ, I don't recall right now your spiritual beliefs but I can tell you what I know - perhaps the ONLY thing I know - and that is that the Bible says to acknowledge Him in ALL our ways and He will direct our paths. I have wandered down many roads that could have taken me away from Him for good, even very recently, but I never denied Him. I talked to Him from the darkest and dirtiest of places. Sometimes pridefully and with anger, sometimes in absolute desperation but always ultimately, in submission. He is the only hope I have to make it through.

I'm not telling you that you have to put your faith in God to make it through this ACJ. But you do have to believe in the ability of the human spirit to triumph and then...then you have to decide that YOUR spirit is going to triumph. These mistakes we have made are huge and the price is high - and not just for us. But there have been hard lessons learned in all this. For you, me and everyone else that's ever been on either side of the divorce busting fence. Standing, stumbling, falling or quitting, we gave all we had to give to this...then sometimes we scraped up a little more and we gave that, too...and we were changed because of it. Mistakes be damned, we have something to give that is worth something to someone somewhere and there isn't anyone else that can tell a story like yours, or mine, or any other poster from these boards. Our experiences are as unique as the scars we bear because of them. Even the self-inflicted ones. The lessons we have learned matter.

What if it's because of what we've learned that we one day have the answers our kids need? Turn all the negative things you are thinking around. When you think of the ways your kids might be "damaged" from what YOU did or didn't do - instead of letting the guilt take over - fight - and dare to imagine that maybe they're going to need help one day and you are going to be able to draw on this well of knowledge you've gained - and you just might end up being their light.

My point is, ACJ, you're a fighter or you'd have never ended up here. And you can fight your way out of and past ANYTHING - even if you can't find a reason to even bother trying. You go on and you get up and you fight. As long as there is breath in you and you want better for yourself and your family, it is never too late to start over and do better. It matters no matter how old our kids are, that we never let them see us quit. Because that, by far, is the worst lesson we could ever teach them, that it's okay to give up on life and living it well. It doesn't matter where you've been, how many times you've had to get your sh*t back together or how many times you have to say you're sorry. As long as tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, there is hope. And on your worst days, you just resolve to do better the next day. Seek better. Seek truth, even if it's not what you want to hear, and seek to triumph. No matter what happens, know that the only thing that can really keep you down...is you. Refuse to allow that.

I wish you well.



Amy

[ANewMe]

WOW, Amy, thanks! This is such a powerful post. I had a lump in my throat while reading this. You are so very right the best thing we can show our kids is to never give up making ourself better.

Thank you so much.

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! I have been away in my own little cocoon of despair (which I know will not last long, 'cause I won't allow it), but I had to check in and see how you are doing, after you took the time to post to my thread. Thank you!

Here is my opinion about parenthood, and life, and all that stuff ....

We all have something to learn on our journey through life, and to be tested on this earth. It's how we deal with life, at it's most awful, and at our most guilt-ridden, selfish, darkest times, that (I believe) will determine our success as human spirits on the planet. And, one day, hope to go 'home' with honour.

We all fall ... it's the getting up (over and over again) that make us winners. You know you were being the best mom you could to your children ... your heart was in the right place, your motives pure. You know you love them with all your heart. Sometimes, our execution as parents suck ... I know mine did many times. And, now, you are teaching your kids a strong lesson ... no matter how you acted before, you CAN CHANGE AND DO BETTER! We all can if we choose to, and want to. This has been the greatest lesson for me. I was an angry person in my younger years, very defensive, and I was able to show my kids that I could change, and I proved this to myself too. So, I ask myself, if I can change from that angry person to the much calmer person I am today? What else can I achieve? I would say, just about any darn thing. Nothing is set in stone ... certainly not our soul.

You know, we can only blame our parents so far, until we have to realise that once you are an adult, you are responsible for your own actions. The same will apply to your children, one day. I know my mom wasn't the best, but she was a product of her generation, and I know she loved me. I used to feel resentful that she didn't hug me enough, or she preferred my younger brother, or whatever. But, now she's long passed away (she was only 52 and my dad was 49 ... so young), and all those feelings, I realise, were just a waste of time. I also wonder about the grief your H continues to carry, over the death of his dad. It's been years, and yet he still seems so affected by it. I guess we are all different in how we handle stuff like that. I just remember my parents with fondness and love, and try and pass on the stories of their lives to my kids, so that they can live on in the next generation. I hope my children will do the same for me. Anyway, I think I am digressing here, and whaffling on a bit. Sorry ... I'm in a bit of a reflective/pensive mood.

Take heart ... this too shall pass (as 'they' say). Thinking of you! Hugs!

[Lissie]

As long as tomorrow you are a little bit better than you were today, there is hope. And on your worst days, you just resolve to do better the next day. Seek better. Seek truth, even if it's not what you want to hear, and seek to triumph. No matter what happens, know that the only thing that can really keep you down...is you. Refuse to allow that.

Um great I am crying dork! That was just beautiful.


(((((((((ACJ))))))))

Bless you lovey. So many things hit home here.

[ACJ]

Amy I didn't just get a lump in my throat like ANM when I read your post I sobbed.

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful post

My point is, ACJ, you're a fighter or you'd have never ended up here

Isn't it wonderful how w/o ever meeting each other we can know each other's characters. I am a fighter (too much of a one sometimes).

[ACJ]

BM,
Thank you. Like Amy's post yours also made me cry.

I don't blame my mum for the way I am and she too did the best she could. She didn't really have a very good role model in my grandmother. She was 10 years younger than her sister and was told from a very early age that she was a mistake and was constantly reminded of it throughout her life. Even to the extent that my grandmother would babysit for my cousins (who are a similar age to me and my brother) and yet told my mum 'you wanted them, you look after them'. Even when my mum had a nervous breakdown as a result of serious postnatal depression after my brother was born my grandmother refused to look after us even when our GP pleaded with her. Admittedly looking back my mum didn't show me much affection (although I didn't sense that at the time) but it's small wonder really given her own upbrining. I always knew (and still do) that she loves me.

As for H and his grief for his father - we haven't spoken of it for a very long time bu I'm sure it's still there. He did tell me some time ago that he was getting help for it now but he didn't say professional help so for all I know OW could be practising her psychology skills on him now that she is studyig for a degree in this discipline.

Talking of H. After reading what IMP put on Cinders thread the other day about facing up to the challenge of OP I thought I would do just that (although at the time I thought he was bullying Cinders a bit). So I sent H an email. I admitted my behaviour the day before had not be correct (althouh I never actually apologised). I then said I didn't want the children to have to choose (yet again) who to celebrate with when they get thier exam results in a couple of weeks time. I said I felt it was time that OW and I accepted that we were in Hs life for different reasons and that although it would be hard to sit down and eat with her I could do it if she could.

He turned me down with a simple we will celebrate with them ourselves!

In between this my S15 had told me that H was taking him and his girlfriend plus OW on holiday the week after next. I asked S15 if he knew whether H was intending inviting the girls (and particularly D13) he said no he wasn't.

I haven't told D13 I'm fed up with having to give her bad news all the time. He can do his own dirty work this time.

So I replied to his email with: That's fine. I assume you will be telling D13 about your holiday plans for S15 and his GF and how you can afford that but refused to contribute towards D13s holiday. I then reminded him that he has 3 children who all need his equal love and attention.

Now I go back to NC. I've backslid enough.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
Occasionally, we just have to get rid of our anger, don't we. We all backslide sometimes. Don't worry. Have a nice week-end.

[ACJ]

What a day (and it's not even over!). This morning my dishwasher had not completely emptied itself of water, then whilst I was trying to figure out why my burglar alarm went off for no reason. I could've cried but I didn't.

I fixed the dishwasher myself. Yay

I tried to fix the alarm myself but couldn't so I phoned an electrician I know and asked him if he could look at it. I didn't really want to phone him b/c he can talk for England but I didn't want to be w/o my alarm. Anyway he arrived about 1pm. He has just left (4.45pm) and I've heard about all sorts of people that he has done jobs for. He kept telling me that other people tell him he talks too much and I kept wanting to blurt out 'You do '. Thankfully he has fixed it and he only charged me a small amount (certainly not his normal hourly rate thank goodness). I reckon if he'd just got on with the job he'd have finished about 2.30pm.

So that's another day when I've got no work and no study done.
Sigh

[ACJ]

My D13 just told me something that H said to her on Monday when he took her out for a couple of hours. I'm fuming but won't do anything about it.

Apparently he told her she could go round to see him anytime he liked b/c he knew she didn't really have a parent figure at home D13 asked him what he meant by that. He said she had no boundaries and could come and go at all sorts of time of the day She asked he what he was talking about as she had to be in by 9.30pm.

Ironically this is just projection because this is exactly what he is doing with S15.

If he thinks he can discredit me by making a judge believe I am a bad parent he can think again (that's just in case he is reading!).

[cat03]

oh jeez!! what a stupid stupid man, messing with the kids like that!! of course you know deep in your d13's heart she knows who the good responsible parent is right?