On the bumpy road towards found...

[iamlost]

Thanks dudes and dudettes for all your encouragement, kindness & curiosity. Youse are the best.

Update:

Unfortunately, I think I've lost my only card I was holding against filing a D.

H claims that he talked to our insurance co. and his work, and it is actually up to his co. whether to keep me on the insurance or not, D or not, and they told him that they will keep me on even if we D, for as long as he wants them to.

I told him that I need to have this in writing from them before I'll agree to it, so he's supposed to get that before we meet next to hammer out an agreement.

He told me this today after he picked me up from work so we could go hang out. I just got really quiet, I wasn't even really sad. This is what he wants, and I can't stop him.

California has a 6 month waiting period to finalize, so the timer is about to be set on me.

Hanging out was kind of somber and serious after that. I was tired from last night, and kind of shocked over his news. But it went well. I asked H a ton of questions about himself to try to figure out where his head was at right now, because I'm never quite sure. I expressed love in my interest in him and showing lots of patience and validating. (H takes a looooonnnnggggggg time to answer stuff, I mean you could take naps and wake up and he'd still be pondering )There was some R talk, but it went calmly and well instead of crazy and sour.

I think I got him thinking about things again, introduced some small microscopic bit of doubt over all this. He accused me at one point of "trying to turn this ship around." And I said, I know I can't turn this ship around, it's your ship, only you can turn it if you want to. (P.S. What's with the ship metaphor anyway?)

But where I really got him thinking was when I asked him, what makes you happy? What do you see as a happy life?

He thought long and hard, had a very conflicted and confused look on his face, and wouldn't answer me. I said it so lovingly and with so much genuine interest in him, cause that's how I felt--I can't describe it--it was an extremely intimate discussion, I think it started to really consternate him--if that makes sense.

Anyway, I gave him a really long hug goodbye and just tried to exude love out of my pores, and kissed him on the cheek.

So, it was kind of a sad night, but full of a lot of love from me to him and a pretty satisfying talk. So, sad but good.

And I'm not really worried about the D. There's still 6 months before it's final, and I'm not going anywhere right now.

P.S. Speaking of not going anywhere, a really gorgeous & sweet guy asked me for my phone number last night at an event I went to. Nothing will come of it, cause of course I'm not going there, but it was nice. Plus I answered the question I posed in my last thread of what I would do if I was also attracted to a guy who was attracted to me, and I guess the answer is feel good & stand.