Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Lots of good thoughts you guys. Thanks for your plan Changes, I need to be able to do that more. I can seem to do the mysterious, aloof thing for a couple of days, then I lose it.

I am really in for the long haul, but I think my H is feeling the pressure to "make up his mind", mostly due to him being tired of staying with a friend. He's been there for about 6 weeks now, and really feeling like a slug. He knows it's either move home or get an apartment time. Tonight he pretty much alluded to the fact that he is trying to make his decision. And being that when I asked him for a hug when he left, he did a big sigh, that made me say..."forget it", I'm thinking nothing positive is coming.

Trying to have a PMA, but I feel it going still. He asked me about the job today (I got it officially by the way). Asked if we discussed what the full time pay would go too etc. I told him that I had determined this job would probably be ok if I don't need it to support me and the girls (ie, if we stay together). Then he goes.. "well don't forget you'll probably be getting around $1000.00 a month from me". Way to put my day on a downer. Of course that means, he is still thinking divorce.

I told him I couldn't go there tonight. He got quiet, then walked by me and said. "I didn't mean to bring you down". I just don't know what the hell is wrong with him. This is not my positive, fighter, commited husband I've always known.

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real. But I honestly think he is going to give this all up. What a huge huge mistake, and I cannot believe he is going to do it. I had so much more faith in him.

God, I hope I'm wrong. I'm praying for God to touch his heart. To help him rekindle the commitment he gave. But I'm really feeling like he is just not going to fight for this.

I hate this. I'm honestly so so very tired. Only 4 months of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can do.

Chris