Confused and Bewildered

[JenInVen]

From what I can tell, we all have similar stories....we didn't necessarily spend a lot of time showing H we loved him, making love, etc...maybe even treated H poorly at times which caused them to pull away and ultimately decide the R wasn't for them. All that said...when we were treating them less than kind what made us open our eyes and decided we REALLY WANTED THEM??? I don't know about you, but for me it was him making a decision to leave. All of the sudden I started pouring words of love and affection all over him...all acts that were completely the opposite of the way I'd been acting which caused him to leave in the first place

I think that without a doubt that I fit neatly into that description guys. My XH said my whole being went into our D and I didn't put the same effort into other parts of our lives. Sad thing its it was all true.

Woman...I like your strategy.

[pisces9]

mine is a bit different...i poured love on him- i did all the R work. i broke the see saw.

i recall is DR that Michelle says chnage is like this...one day you feel like veryhing is ok and the next you feel like you are back at sqaure one..this ishow chnage takes place. it isnt forward momentum all the way....

so allow for this ebb and flow- i know it is painful. i am feeling it too right now....

[pisces9]

mine is a bit different...i poured love on him- i did all the R work. i broke the see saw.

i recall is DR that Michelle says chnage is like this...one day you feel like everthing is ok and the next you feel like you are back at square one..this is how change takes place. it isnt forward momentum all the way....

so allow for this ebb and flow- i know it is painful. i am feeling it too right now....

[iamlost]

1. I think they are afraid to be drawn in by our actions and then be hurt again. I think when they keep telling us how there is no hope...nothing has changed....it's too late...they are also trying to tell themselves.
2. I think after years of no attention, in a weird way they would never admit to...they like our desparate expressions of love...it gives them power.
3. I think the only thing that caused me to wake up and see I really did want him was for him to withdraw. Sooo...we do need to be careful...we certainly can't completely withdraw, but all the stuff in the LRT that talks about GAL and being a bit mysterious...causing H to think maybe they've lost us might help. Think about it...right now they don't have to spend one moment worrying about what things would be like if WE moved on...we keep telling them how we want the R and will always be here.

What do you guys think?

I think you're a smart, insightful woman, Changed Woman. One more time: Woman.

Thanks for this--you're spot on.

[7 Year Itch]

Lots of good thoughts you guys. Thanks for your plan Changes, I need to be able to do that more. I can seem to do the mysterious, aloof thing for a couple of days, then I lose it.

I am really in for the long haul, but I think my H is feeling the pressure to "make up his mind", mostly due to him being tired of staying with a friend. He's been there for about 6 weeks now, and really feeling like a slug. He knows it's either move home or get an apartment time. Tonight he pretty much alluded to the fact that he is trying to make his decision. And being that when I asked him for a hug when he left, he did a big sigh, that made me say..."forget it", I'm thinking nothing positive is coming.

Trying to have a PMA, but I feel it going still. He asked me about the job today (I got it officially by the way). Asked if we discussed what the full time pay would go too etc. I told him that I had determined this job would probably be ok if I don't need it to support me and the girls (ie, if we stay together). Then he goes.. "well don't forget you'll probably be getting around $1000.00 a month from me". Way to put my day on a downer. Of course that means, he is still thinking divorce.

I told him I couldn't go there tonight. He got quiet, then walked by me and said. "I didn't mean to bring you down". I just don't know what the hell is wrong with him. This is not my positive, fighter, commited husband I've always known.

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real. But I honestly think he is going to give this all up. What a huge huge mistake, and I cannot believe he is going to do it. I had so much more faith in him.

God, I hope I'm wrong. I'm praying for God to touch his heart. To help him rekindle the commitment he gave. But I'm really feeling like he is just not going to fight for this.

I hate this. I'm honestly so so very tired. Only 4 months of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can do.

Chris

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Chris))))))

Take care of yourself, and those little girls, for now. He doesn't know what he wants. And even if he chooses an apartment now, he still doesn't know what he wants. Getting a place of his own could even make things more real to him, he might start to see what he is doing.

Good job on the job, by the way!

[The Wifey]

7 Year Itch. He doesn't know what he wants. He isn't fighting for it because he thinks it can't be changed. You are going to show him it can be. Our WA have been over ground we haven't covered yet. They think they have it all compartmentalized and thought through. They are wrong and we are going to show them by out PMA our 180's and our DB'ing.

[pisces9]

i think it is great you said you cant do this tonight. that shows him you dont need to talk about this every second.

he is confused and scared- do not believe what he says only half of what he does...what POSITIVE things has he done/shown you?

lots. so please dont think this is over...think the best...i am doing this / trying so hard right now too...if we think the worst it will happen by accident just by our negative energy.

i was going to ask about your job! im so happy for you when do you start??

(((((chris)))))

[iamlost]

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real.

I know we're all afraid of losing our Ms, but what scares you specifically about losing yours, 7?

[7 Year Itch]

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real.

I know we're all afraid of losing our Ms, but what scares you specifically about losing yours, 7?

I think losing someone I love so very much. I've lost many to death (my Dad in a car accident when I was 22) , my Mom to mental illness, my whole Dad's side of the family when bad blood happened after his death.

I love and adore my H. I truly thought HE would be my life partner. He would forever be with me. That he would love me unconditionally. And now I see that is not true. That all my hopes and dreams for us, our girls, our family are falling apart. I know I can go on without him. I just don't want to. He's my best friend. And I love his family. It's huge and crazy, and wonderful. They are MY family. And while they are sweet and tell me they will always be my family (my inlaws have said this) the fact is, is it isn't the same.

I want it all. My family, my future, our past, my friend, my lover, my partner.


Onto other topics. I'm drained on that one for tonight. So I started officially today after my tryout day yesterday. It went well. Worked all day getting more horses on the website, and worked on some of his construction business stuff too. Good and productive day. I got lucky that they didn't quiet have everything prepared for me to start right away, so they don't need me tomorrow. That's a good thing. My D2 is the flower girl in a wedding on Sat., and I still need a dress for me (have nothing to wear after losing 45 lbs) a dress for D6, and new shoes for D2 for the day. Thankfully it's a home, casual wedding but I still need to shop. I'm glad I don't have to try to cram it in tomorrow night after work. NOthing like leaving stuff to the last minute.

So we'll run errands tomorrow. Then H will be coming to visit the girls tomorrow night. Tomorrow is our 12 year dating anniversary (the date of our first kiss). We used to always celebrate it as well as our wedding anniversary in Sept. I had invited him awhile ago to go out tomorrow. Of course he was wishy washy and it never went anywhere. So today I invited him to stay for a movie after the girls go to bed tomorrow, and he said he's let me know tomorrow. Doesn't sound promising.

I really don't know how sleeping with me is so easy, yet when I ask for a simple hug, or for som time for a freakin' hour and a half movie it's like moving mountains. And tonight he went out with a friend of a friend for a beer. I was surprised since they've never gone out alone. Well turns out this guy is close to divorce and wanted to go out and vent with H. GREAT. Just what he needs. Yet another person to sit and down on marriage all night.

Chris