Journaling, Today the coaster came around. I was on for a bit but after a couple of phone calls to friends I got off. Lots of self doubt today. I wonder if I'm normal. I wonder if I'm F'd up.
The thought of starting over again, financially, in a new house...any new relationship scares me. The thoughts of attempting to make new friends in a hometown that I left in 1999 intimidates me. All my single friends that were there are now married and I am a third wheel. I really know no one but family, my coworkers are all married..I'm intimidated by all this newness. While drywalling my new place today I felt lonely, my mom was there but still I was lonely. My thoughts drifted to how and why I git here and it made me sad. I wondered how I had true love in the palm of my hand and pissed it away. I wonder if it was really true love.
I wondered if I would ever be loved again?
I wondered if I was ever truly loved in either my 1st or 2nd M?
I wonder if I really know how love feels..relationship love?
The only love I've ever truly felt is the love of my D..It is pure love. It's a love that's not f'ed up yet.
It's all coulda, woulda, shoulda and it sucks out the arse.
So as you can see, lots of questions. Lots of self doubt.
I've been here before and it sucked. I can remember it, the loneliness still haunts me..
I know where I'm going, just don't know when I'll get there.
It's hard for me to believe in me right now. I wish I had more self confidence, I wish I was a better communicator. I wish I was outgoing and able to just start up a conversation.
