If you think hard and long Buster, there may be something inside her that wants to see you have him barred from your home to protect your son. taking over your home again and protecting your son may very well be to her an attractive quality.
It really is a dice throw what is going to wake her up, but the point is you need to be doing these things for you and your son, not because you want her back.
Get to a point where you are proud of you, and once you have done that then she may start to turnaround. Will you be PROUDER of the guy who gets legal advice, has OM banned from his home, and moves back into his own home to show his wife he's not a doormat? Do you like that guy MORE or less than the guy who just lives with his parents while his wife does in your home what she's been doing?
My guess is you wnat your son to be proud of you, ask yourself what your son would be prouder of you doing at this point? What is the example you want to set for your son here? If your son gets married one day and goes through this, would you tell him to shake that guy's hand or have him banned from your home? Think it through. You really have to get to a point where you like YOU, your wife isn't going to take someone back that YOU don't like.
If you sit back and imagine yourself watching your whole story I would imagine you like yourself a lot more than other times.
Did you like that guy who stopped to talk to the OM like an old friend and ended up shaking his hand. Did you LIKE hte guy that did that? Or did you think maybe he was not showing the OM much to be proud of there. I can't imagine the OM thinks much of you at this point...sorry to be honest.
if you want to add humanity to a meeting, you really need to bring the OM to your home while YOu and your SON are there...litter the house with family photos of you and your wife...ask him to stare at each and every one..then ask him to look your son in the eye and tell your son what he's doing.
My guess he won't do that, he doens't have the guts to do that any more than he does have the gust to leave your wife without a push.
You are on the road Buster, none of us here think you haven't been through something awful. We have been there ourselves, we know full well how you feel, that's a large part of why we are here. Sometimes you have to follow your gut, and checking up on your wife was likeley a good call. That wasn't part of the plan, but it did show your wife you weren't a doormat.
DBing is a hard line to walk. On the one hand you must show your wife you are human and compassionate, but on the other, you must show her you won't tolerate being used. Its a very thin line between those two points. We have all stumbled a time or two.
I am wondering if you can get the OM to walk to the Pastor, if he's a churchgoing person at all maybe, I dunno. At this point it is looking like you may get more cooperation from him than her, but who knows...he is very likley playing you.
I really don't know if I would even admit to anyone you two met. He is likley going to make a point of it, but I would deny it if you could. It just sends the opposite message.
Chin up Buster, you aren't a whiner, you are just a human going through something terribly painful and making the best of it as we all are.
You will have to learn to fight those impulses. You likely feel anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, nightmares, etc. Your emotions during an affair get to a state where they are spiking, you can feel the difference in you and its not pleasant. Its a very intense feeling like a rollercoaster...but it doesn't end after a few minutes, it keeps going and going.
The thing is Buster, your WIFE is going through the same thing, she's acting on impulse and letting others make her choices for her too, she's weak and vulnerable and sad, just like you. Only she's letting anger drive her too. The OM right now is likley looking at both of you thinking you both are scatterbrained impulsive children. The OM is the one with the clear head right now, the OM is the designated driver.
DBing is a way to fight those impulses, it gives you goals and purpose. DBing will get you OUT of that intense state you are in like your wife is in, but you really need to work at the dbing.
Don't just act out. Ask yourself, is this the mature thing to do, is this something I would respect someone else doing? Is this something an adult does? What message am I sending when I do this?
Maybe meeting up with him wasn't a bad idea, its remotely possible you awoke some conscience in him when he met you face to face outside of your home. That CAN happen, but I honestly doubt it.
Chin up Buster, your track record is pretty good really. You LEARNED everything quite quickly, and you are a kind person, so you learned to put away a lot of your anger. You ARE having trouble applying the tough end of this. DBing doens't mean being a doormat, I hope you can see that in the books. Relationship Rescue is good for that. McGraw makes a lot of hooplaw about people not allowing others to do things to them, and he pushes you to speak up for yourself.
Sometimes you have to be tough, Michele doens't say that, but I think she would reccomend you start looking into some 180's here.
Your wife isn't expecting you to talk to a lawyer or take over your home likley, so this may just stir something up in her.
You are not talking to her right now, that may be best since you said she looks forward to that. Its often hard to know how to play each move here. You will have to gauge where she's at.
But your son and you two as a family are the most important piece here. At the moment, she clearly does not deserve you or your son. It may be time to show her that you and your son are prepared to live life away from her until she's matured and worth a family again.
