losing sunshine but gaining happiness either way

[Forrest Gump]

As hard as this is to understand.. whether she is or is not have a EA/PA is somewhat irrelevant.. even if it has some "gay" tendencies. The affair is just a.. "outcome" of the situation people find themselves in.

The question becomes.. is a EA/PA a deal breaker for you. If its not.. then you will have to "hold your tongue".. and deal with it once things change. You can tell the OP that it is unacceptable.. but you kinda need to leave it at that. The more you focus on it and point it out.. the quicker they may move toward that OP.

If it is a deal breaker.. then get your stuff together.. and file for the D.

It sounds simple.. but in RL it is not.

Things can happen quickly.. depends on the state you were married in.. and if kids are involved.

It also depends on how.. "set" the OP is on getting things moving. With enough money.. you can make anything "happen".

Don't focus on what may be taking place.. focus on what you can control.. and change. LS can't change if his wife is having a EA/PA. LS can't change the pace of things.. to a point. LS can't change that his wife wont listen. LS can't change that his family is going to suffer some.

LS can walk thru this with his head held high.. and make decisions that have long term "good" effects. LS can do his best to transition to a "new" life for his family.. down the road.. that will pay off.

We get so caught up in what is here and now.. and we loose sight of what will be.

I love the tone of his (LS) posting.. if I am right.. he is going to come thru this with flying colors. It shows me he is thinking.. about the things he can effect a change in.

[Lostforwords]

FG,

[Lostforwords]

FG,

I bow to your wisdom as always. I do agree with what I have read that his tone does sound good. LS really sounds like he is at the point to move on with the best interest of his children and himself first. Very commendable. I do disagree that the sexuality of this stich does not have an affect on DB'ing. Though minor, there are differences that need to be addressed. LS has changed his approach to a few techniques and the situation has shown some slight changes since then. Remember FG that we are not comparing apples and apples on this one. That is experience talking and not opinion based on observed circumstance. LS has made the suggested changes and opened a small portal of communication that did not exist earlier. Though he does need to continue with the rest of his DB'ing as discussed in the books and to that both of us agree.

LS-Definitely read what FG has written because his way has a proven track record and stay focused has you have one yourself and the children. That is the proven technique and one to be followed. All else will fall into the proper place with time.

[LosingSunshine]

Thx LFW and FG!!! I will respond to your posts either later tonight or when I get to work in the am. I just need a moment to somewhat reflect on our talk tonight.

Tonight went from good to W getting angry and emotional. Dinner went very well and afterwards I played with the kids outback on the playground. W was out back for a short while then went in. Guess she couldn't stand the fun we were having. When we got in age have the kids a bath and I left to pick up the birthday cake from a friends. My friend did an awesome job on an allergy free Dora cake from scratch.

I get back and 4d saw it and just lit up. W was indifferent but I caught her looking at it later. Anyway, she was splitting 2s clothes up 50/50 and when she was done we talked.

She started going through the state guidelines and realized that those are at 42 percent before you throw in a few extra days. All in all the convo was off to a good start and heck, she had a draft of the settlement from her l that she got yesterday. Now, it all went downhill because she wants me to have only visitation now and not residence. She started to get angry and emotional, threw stuff in my face such as I have raised these kids the last four years, I will fight you and bring up all the stuff from the past ie drinking and so forth. I kept my cool and tried to validate when I could and actually had to tell her to take a breather. She accused me of being manipulative again but said she knows it is not intentional. We were obviously at an impasse and I told her this is what I want, put what you think is fair for the kids in the doc and have it sent to my L. Not much if any DB opportunity in the talk tonight. She wants me to pay full support and I want joint residency which will allow for support to be modified based on time with kids. She accused me also of only thinking of my wallet which isn't the case. This is our home and I want to keep it for the kids. She has also been interchanging visitations and residence all along so I never know what she's thinking even if I repeat it to her. She's also not listening which sucked again. Didn't hear what I said 5 minutes earlier in the conversation.

Sidenotes...her cell was buzzing most of the talk and it was very distracting. I was wrapping presents at the very beginning but was focused more on her and we were at the same table.

So, she washed up after the talk and popped into my room a few minutes ago to let me know she was heading out for a few hours to think. Any bets she's going to OW?


Oh, she also flung the I have to live in an income sensitive townhouse community...that's how bad I want out. I wanted to say something but just listened.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

LFW,


I live in SD and you can get a D in 90 days. Yes children will slow things down if there is a battle and we want to settle this prior to the first hearing on August 14th or will in a court ordered mediation.

As for whether thee is ab EA or PA, my L and I should have an idea on Monday as the txt mesages she been subpoenaed and requested by then. 2200 txts between W and OW between June 14 and July 10. My L even requested stuff since then. Good reading next week.

She is betting on my past drinking where there are only a few embarrassing moments but nothing abusive and only 2 of the three can be verified by someone else and I don't even know if the 3rd happened. She just told me about it when this all happened. But that is all in the past. There is nothing else bad about me. Sure, I might not have helped out but I was a DAM. Me work make great money drink beer or wine and relax. The real issue was our inability to communicate. She would tell and so would I. We would never talk.

I will search what you recommended her in a bit.

Thx again!!!

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

FG, thx for stopping by agains and sharing your wisdom. It is greatly appreciated.

Is her R with OW a dealbreaker? I hate to say that I am torn but I am. Some days yes...others no. Will the 2200 txts that I get to read next week change my mind either way? Most likely. If it is a PA will my L push to ammend the counterclaim? Probably. What's odd is I have no desire to confront OW about it though. I hold out hope for my W and M yet I am so prepared to move on because of OW. I am just so focused on my kids and doing what is best for them and myself that frankly I don't even care and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is worrying about how the hearing will go and will I get what I want with the kids. Will my past drinking, againg nothing abusive as a result just too frequent, be too large an obstacle to overcome even though there are statutes regarding temp custody based on 30 days prior to filing? My l thinks we are good to go with my golden notes, soon to be coming subpoenaed txts and some insurance that will be kicking in to gear soon. Who knows. Side note... Her dad was an abusive drunk and my W wanted to drink but couldn't because of the kids

What also worried me was how the kids would handle my W in a R with a OW. My c helped me there and although it's not ideal they will be fine and as he said more open minded and the sexuality will not impact them negatively but bad behaviours will, but that can happen if it was OM.

I also think you are right about my attitude and holding my head high and thx for picking that up in my posts.

It's getting late and need to get to bed. I'll respond more tomorrow.

Chris .

[jandn]

I can relate to some days being a deal breaker and some days not. I also feel that way. Would have to be some pretty good evidence that W would be able to overcome her A if that is the case and W wants to reconcilate.

[LosingSunshine]

Hey Jandn...I hear you. Now, I do think OW (regardless if just friends, EA or PA) is being very influential. She left last night after our talk to go out (to see her) to think. Why does she need to run this stuff by her? She has only known her for 3 months? Why not call her best friend from back home? Crazy. But it is type of stuff that makes me want to just move on coupled with the fact that she has done zero research into what the D process is like in SD, what child custody options are etc...and then she chooses to selectively listen. I am pretty well detached right now and focused on happy. It's easier to walk away at this point but there is still enough there to keep me from doing it.

Some other thoughts from yesterday.

After she said last night that if we battle this the past will come out, I did some thinking about the past.

We both drank excessively while we dated and up until 4D was born. She says she stopped but it's more like she moderated it and I did too, while we were still up in MN. In late 2005, we moved to SD, she stayed at home for close to a year (she was pregnant with 2S when we moved and went back to work 6 months after he was born). She drank, I drank more often. On weekends, she didn't really drink when we went out with friends but I did. Also, we never really had the talk of parenting responsibilities during any of this. She did a majority when she was a SAH mom and continued trying to do everything after she went back to work. A lot of that was due to things at my work heating up and me having to work more hours etc...But her view of the past 4 years is nothing but negative when she starts getting emotional (like last night) but is rather neutral to positive when things are okay (like Monday and Tuesday). My L told me not to worry about the drinking as I was not abusive and have no criminal record (DUIs etc...). I do have a drunk in public charge but it's over 10 years old and was before I met here. But the fact is, she wanted to drink too and since the sitch began, she has been. Ugh!!!

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

As hard as this is to understand.. whether she is or is not have a EA/PA is somewhat irrelevant.. even if it has some "gay" tendencies. The affair is just a.. "outcome" of the situation people find themselves in.

FG, I agree with this. The EA/PA is a symptom and I understand that. It's just unfortunate.

The question becomes.. is a EA/PA a deal breaker for you. If its not.. then you will have to "hold your tongue".. and deal with it once things change. You can tell the OP that it is unacceptable.. but you kinda need to leave it at that. The more you focus on it and point it out.. the quicker they may move toward that OP.

If it is a deal breaker.. then get your stuff together.. and file for the D.

Like I said last night, I am waffling with this still. Some days yes, some days no. Probably leaning more to yes right now as I am amazed at how much she is willing to walk away from and that she didn't even give us a chance by going to C.

Things can happen quickly.. depends on the state you were married in.. and if kids are involved.

In SD, there is no legal separation requirement prior to D...only if the parties agree to do this prior to D. Once you are served, the 30 days start ticking to respond. After the 30 days, then it becomes final after a 60 day period. The speed all depends upon how much we choose to battle. We both prefer working on a settlement but alas, we are at an impasse (visitation vs residence) on the custody. Silly issue.

It also depends on how.. "set" the OP is on getting things moving. With enough money.. you can make anything "happen"..

Money will be an issue for everyone. She has none. OW has none. I have none. Parents are footing the legal bills right now and the tap is running dry. If this turns to a battle, we will have no assets left at the end to offset the debt we have.

Don't focus on what may be taking place.. focus on what you can control.. and change. LS can't change if his wife is having a EA/PA. LS can't change the pace of things.. to a point. LS can't change that his wife wont listen. LS can't change that his family is going to suffer some.

LS can walk thru this with his head held high.. and make decisions that have long term "good" effects. LS can do his best to transition to a "new" life for his family.. down the road.. that will pay off.

This is what I am doing and will continue doing. I am surprised about last night. If this would have been last week, I would have been a miserable wreck. Now, I just listen to her and let it slide, come here and post. Keeping happy. End game is getting nearer and my happiness is growing stronger.

We get so caught up in what is here and now.. and we loose sight of what will be.

I try not to think too much about the future. I just keep myslef assured that things will not be just okay, but will be a new life for me alone, or with W in a new M. I just worry about losing my kids and am getting everything together to ensure that won't happen.

I love the tone of his (LS) posting.. if I am right.. he is going to come thru this with flying colors. It shows me he is thinking.. about the things he can effect a change in..

Thanks FG for saying this. It means a lot. I haven't gone back to read the beginning of my postings and will sometime in the future. I bet I will see a tone change along the way, less panic, and more confidence. The only thing I can say to the othe DBers out there, no matter what you do, place as much emphasis on the GAL and fixing you. I may lose my W and M and if this happens, I will be walking into the future a new, confident man ready to explore, share and love.

We both let our love die, she's walking away, the family is crumbling but she can't take away or throw away one thing. That's me and everything about me. Only I can throw that away.

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Could your wife actually be sustaining from a PA because she is married (or the OW)? It sounds crazy, but could that really be what is driving the speediness of this? I would like some other opinions to help LS with this crazy notion.

I honestly don't know about this but should have some insight next week after I read the txt messages. EA yes. PA, probably as my buddy tailed her one night to OWs and when he went back an hour later, their cars were still there, all the lights in the house were off when they were supposedly watching movies. He said it was pitch black :o. Add to that the neurotic driving she was doing to get over there.

Remember that even though your stich is different from regular DB, you will see the slight cracks that allow sunshine in.

Oh yeah, I see the cracks (she was bent over last night sorting clothes and I got a peep :D. ) LOL! No but she called me honey several times yesterday and this morning, as I was leaving with the kids, she handed me the youngest and I told her to take care and have a good day. She responded I love you and then she must of realized what she said because after a few seconds had passed and I was walking away she said my 2S name.

There is one other idea you will be faced with more than likely if your marriage is saved. It really isn't DB material, but it will come up. I suggest searching the net with a search term combining "Pandora's Box" and bisexuality. If you find something, which I think you will, you will understand.

I did late last night. Very interesting. Will have more time today to look at more of the search results.

Chris