Rob, I so agree with Kalni. The power W has over you is absurd. Can your lawyer give you any advice about exactly what your visitation rights are now? Was there ever a visitation agreement? I know you are waiting for the evaluation , but your L needs to work out something with her L, just so W can't put you through this. Every time, it seems she might be softening, she pulls this. Sounds like for your D's sake, you need a temporary agreement.Your W doesn't seem to think there are any boundaries and she has full power over D. The constant threat that you have done something wrong with D is not only harmful to you but D as well. She must question D constantly about what you do with her. Maybe your L can put a stop to this. You just don't deserve to live under this constant threat.
Hey, everyone. I'm rushing right now to get the house ready for market this weekend and I'm also heading to the airport soon to catch my flight. I'll be in Seattle until Monday, but I'll try and check in w/ everyone while I'm gone. I'd also like to reply as you've posted some really good things, but I don't have time now.
If I can't get to it this weekend, I'll be back early on Monday to catch up w/ everyone.
Yes it is really strange how they do things to make themselves feel better. It is a long, long road for those that leave and take this path. The problem is many of our spouses don't want to do that much work b/c it is so difficult, painful, and in some ways embarrassing for them. They've done so much work trying to make us all out to be awful people, that when they begin to have 2nd thoughts, they become afraid of what "others will think of them" so they won't try.
It just doesn't have to be that way and it is frustrating that they don't see it like that. We are the ones best equipped to help our partners, but they are all wrapped up in what others think about them that they won't look at what they really want and go for it. I could care less if my W's family ends up hating me for the rest of their lives. I don't see them much anyway so why would I care. I married their daughter, not them.
Oh, well, it is difficult to comprehend and frustrating as well.
Kalni my dear, I'm not sure if I do love her anymore. I mean, I love her, but I don't love her when she's ugly. When she's mean and ugly and berates and yells, I'm not in love w/ her at all. When she's like that, I just want her to go away forever.
I know that my D is just exercising her imagination and my D has ZERO malice in her heart when she tells her little tales. She's just being a kid, but W is looking to make it a fight w/ me. Everything is an excuse for her to fight me.
Bizarre, I'm also not pleased w/ the arrangement as it does put limits on what I can and can't do w/ my life right now. I can only hope the evaluation will be finished soon so I can know what my life will be like and W will lose her ability to call the shots as she sees fit.
Yesterday, as I was waiting at the airport, I tried to call and talk w/ D, but only got voicemail. I left D a message then sent her a text as we were pulling away from the gate. I then turned off my phone and discovered that W had sent a text from D to me minutes after I turned my phone off. She purposely waited until my phone was off and could have allowed me to talk w/ D last night, but didn't.
So, that made me very angry and I decided "I am done." I am still going to be open to reconciliation w/ W if and only if she agrees to go to individual counseling and couples counseling and BOTH our counselors are given permission to contact and communicate w/ each other. If she agrees to that, I'm willing to look at trying. However, if she can't or won't do these simple things, then I'm out for good.
So what do I mean by "I am done?" I'm through caring if she is mad at me b/c she will be if she wants to be. I'm done explaining myself and defending my actions. She'll make me out to be whatever she wishes and she'll twist my words to say and mean anything she wants them to say. It doesn't matter what I think, so why should I care? I really don't right now. I finally feel like I 100% mean it too.
I'll respond to her when she's nice, but she'll no longer get me when she's ugly and mean. She may get some sarcasm at these times, but I no longer care. If she's going to be mean to me, I'm not taking it. I'll be as polite as I can, but I won't be tied up in knots afraid to be in trouble w/ her. She'll rant if she wants and I can't control it at all. Thus, I'm only being interactive w/ her when she's nice from here forward.
Mean to me now = no access to me or information from me.
One of the things I'm having difficulty w/ in thinking about dating is my D. When we were going to meet W the other day, I told her I was coming up to Seattle and wouldn't be seeing her for a few days.
Her reply was: "DO NOT GO ON A DATE! If you go on a date, that means you'll get married." She then said the only person I was allowed to marry was "Mommy" and the same rules applied for "Mommy" too.
This is why I wish W would just be able to look at the devastation she's caused. W a long time ago said to me "You ruined our little family" and I didn't respond at the time, but now that I look back at it, it was her that ruined us. I went for help and worked on my issues from the start. What did she do? Avoided counseling. Went to counseling strictly to discuss divorcing me. Stepped outside of the marriage and had an affair instead of staying in and fighting. Served me w/ papers and took my D away. Made up lies and accusations about me and my behavior. Controlled the time I can and can't spend w/ my D. Used repayment of money owed to me as a tool of control. Pumps our D for information after every visit. Accuses, blames and berates me at every opportunity.
Now, who exactly "ruined our little family" here? Why is it so obvious to everyone except for the one directly involved? Denial, I guess is the only reason I can think of. Oh, well. At least now I know I did my part and I can prove to D in time that I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could.
Hey Rob - its the eclipse today, but has been eclipse fever for a few days. I've been reading and I then come here and hear you say "I'm done". I'm not surprised. I dont know what will happen from now on, but eclipses are endings and new beginnings, right.
About your W questioning you over D, I am gobsmacked at the things she says and agree with Kalni and even common sense would prevail, I can see how wrong she is and I dont even have kids!! She is using your D like a weapon against you and it is shameful. Whatever your sitch is or your R, she should NOT let this be reflected with your R with your D, she is not being a good mother frankly.
It makes me so angry that you have to "ask" her for 1/2 hour more with your D - like everyone says, there should be a clear visitation right in place, there should be no having to ask. And as for her saying no to you and then you can have her at 12 or not at all, thats disgraceful, seriously man.
I hope you can resolve this issue ASAP. I really feel for you. Your W is unhinged if she feels the need to question you as to did you have a party....and anyway, what the hell has it got to do with her if you did !??? Thats what I didnt understand. You are entitled, as a dad, with visitation rights to see your D and play with her and invite friends over if you want and its none of your W business, nor is it anything to do with her, as in she doesnt need to be invited or asked if thats ok, surely!??
I seriously dont get it. Your W is not only angry, she is bitter, really really bitter at the treatement she feels she took from you over the years and is out to punish you. But I agree with you - this is about childhood issues and her Dad and she is projecting onto you (although, I guess from what you said, some of her complaints are valid). I hate the way that she refuses to believe you have changed, or are capable of change also and that shows a mean and spiteful spirit in her - its her own unhappiness and anger at the world coming to the fore that will not allow her to let you make amends in any way.
I can see you love her, but dont like her perhaps. She is behaving very very badly toward you - and you know what the best 'revenge' is in these sitches? Go off and be happy. That will show her!
I say revenge, as this isnt in my makeup, but with your 5 planets in Scorpio, I think theres probs a part of you that would relate to that !
What you doing in Seattle on this auspicious eclipse weekend???
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I can see you love her, but dont like her perhaps. She is behaving very very badly toward you - and you know what the best 'revenge' is in these sitches? Go off and be happy. That will show her!
Rob,
Ali is so right on here! That is exactly what I did. I simply put the past in the past and moved on.
I dated several women. I held to my Christian values in these Rs. God sent me the right woman; she is truly my soul mate. We love every moment we spend together. We go to church together almost every week. We pray together. We acquired two small dogs. We were married in November. I built a web site to chronicle our R with wedding pictures. We cleaned out the house. We returned most of my exW's stuff to her. We were blessed to have the financial means to buy lots of new furniture. We have almost completely remodeled our house. I have documented the remodeling process on our web site. We have been blessed with so many other things. I am really happy!
My exW has been by the house to pickup boxes I left on the porch for her. My new W has lots of cutsie decorations out there.
What do you think my exW is thinking after she has seen our pictures (wedding, honeymoon and remodeling) on the web site, what my new W and I have done to the house and reading how happy I am with new W in my blog?
You need to put this tragedy behind you and move on.... You will find a woman who will really love you... A woman who REALLY understands committment....... That woman is waited to be discovered.... Go find her!
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Ali and Kalni, this is just what happens. Kids turn into pawns. It's not healthy for anyone, but that's the way it goes.
Like many many other men, RTL's gotta deal with it.
We can only hope that in good time, with a good helping of patience, the feelings will simmer down, and things will return to civility, at least, and the three of them can at least co-exist.
Fighting in court - I'm not so sure that works to settle anyone down. It may make one "Feel better" (vindicated) to win the day in court, it may be cathartic, but does it really *work* to broaden peace in the situation? Not so sure in the grand scheme it is the right thing. It might be legally appropriate, but I'm not sure in the long run it is right to engage in a hot dispute.
She is behaving very very badly toward you - and you know what the best 'revenge' is in these sitches? Go off and be happy. That will show her!
I don't want to sound pompous (it comes naturally, heh), but "Showing her" doesn't feel like the right idea. The point is RTL should be happy for RTL, not to "show her". The website with the home renovation photos - I'm sure NMD is very proud of it and it's well earned. But to have in the back of your head the gleeful thought "I am sure my exW is smacking her head right now as she looks at these photos!" - that's not very big of you. Enjoy the house for you, be proud of the house for you. Not because your exW can't have it.
For my part, regardless what happens, I don't wish ill toward others - not my stbx, nor her boyfriend, nor anyone else who delighted in the scandal or took sides. I regret it all, I am so sorry that it all went down as it did. But I don't wish bad things for any of them. Everyone involved in the drama is human. They all would do better to be built up and nurtured, just as I would. The Golden Rule, and all that.
It helps me not if my x is ticked off. Even if I had no direct regard for her whatsoever, it would be much better for my kids if she were to find true happiness. I wish she could have found it with me, but if not... I still wish her happiness.
I'm human and sometimes I get grumpy, too. But I don't wanna be that way.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Hey everyone. I'm checking in to let you know I'm alive.
School started for me again, so that is rough and hectic. I've had a lot of troubles w/ headaches I'm trying to work through - have to schedule a MRI and MRA tomorrow - and I'm a bit blue over things w/ W. I'm frustrated and tired of the BS.
I'll be fine, but a bit down for now. I haven't been able to post at school as the computers are down and I have D right now, so I'll need to elaborate and catch up later.
I've got some things to share and replies to Ali, Dodo, and SPM when I get the time in the next few days.
I'll try and update everyone as I've just returned from dropping off D.
While I was gone in Seattle, I found out that I missed D's "Meet the Teacher" night. When I asked W about it, she said "you were out of town." Still, I told her I deserved to know about these events. W also said that while I was on the Emergency list, I'm not on the mailing list and she was expecting to be "sent" more information in the mail and would provide me w/ a copy.
It turns out, there was also an information night on Wednesday to pick up the material and I confronted W on that as well. It is interesting to note that she was very nice to me on Thursday when I picked up D. Could that be b/c she knew she was wrong to withhold information from me about my D's school?
Anyway, I was finally able to do what I should have done all along - contact the school - and I'll be put on the mailing list on Monday when I go for D's 1st day of Kindergarten. I know I can get there as early as 8:45, but beyond that, I'm in the dark. I'm hoping W will provide more info, but she knows I'm coming, so I'll be there and get it myself if needed.
Physically, I had another major headache today which cost me the chance to go to the pool w/ D. That is 3 since July 28, so I'm a bit concerned. I did finally get in to see the doctor on Thursday and I was hoping for a pinched nerve diagnosis, but instead got papers for an MRI, MRA, chest x-ray, blood work, and an appointment w/ a neurologist. So, I'll be busy after school for the next few days it seems. I can only hope it isn't something serious, but if it is, I'll fight like Hell to beat it so I can see my D grow up.
I'm blue still b/c I just want things to normalize and I haven't been able to work out since the 28th of July because anything strenuous at all sends me into another headache. So, it is depressing to not be able to exercise and thus not lose the weight I'm hoping to shed.
W on the other hand looks great. I wasn't too chipper today w/ my head pounding, but she did look good. I need to be back to pain free so I can be happy for myself and where I'm at w/ things. I'm going to rest a bunch tonight and try to play some golf tomorrow. I also have another Open House tomorrow afternoon, so I'll take the dogs up to school w/ me and work on putting my room together (mostly filing things that have been in need of filing for the past 3 years).
That is my current situation. My high school reunion was a lot of fun and well worth the trip. I enjoyed seeing people again and marvelled at how wonderful everyone looked. Now that I'm back, it is focus on working on my teaching, then trying to find out how and when I'll get to see my D as we still wait for the parenting evaluation to be completed. Then the house sells, I move, etc. So, if one domino can fall, hopefully things can attempt to take shape for me. I'm still waiting on that damn evaluation and the sale of the house. Both have me in limbo and it really, really stinks to not know my future.
D was disappointed we didn't swim, but she kissed my forehead when I dropped her off and told me to get rest and feel better. I told her I loved her, I'd call her tonight and would be w/ her at school on Monday.
That's it for now. I'm going to catch up on this site, then go lay down for a while and try to get something to stop my headache (it's much better at the time of this post, but still, it sucks to have them come on all of a sudden like they have been doing).
