I'll sail this ship alone

[Continuing]

I also struggled (and still do) with self-definition, ironically. Im sure you know, that this illness is ugly and humiliating. I wanted it to be gone, I wanted desperately to be normal. Yet, this illness had spurred much growth in me; it was part of me and my story; if you want to know me you have to know IT. Talk about a conflict. I'm still not done working this out. I do not want to forget about it but I cannot fully embrace it. How can I integrate this piece of me that I didn't ask for into my identity without being defined by it? I've gone through stages where everyone around me knows about it, to no one knowing about. Who do I tell, why do I tell, are questions that I'm constantly asking myself. It is a question of identity that I am still working on. My illness like I said has given me a lot of positives in certain areas but it has also wrecked me in others. It has limited me physically and I am just now learning through me current sitch the depth of those insecurities; my inability to do certain activities or sports (I never had the opportunity or the energy), my physical appearance (I on the thin side), the amount I use the restroom, these all have a profound effect on me and my confidence, self-esteem, or whatever you want to call it. Through my illness and now this sitch I am continually challenged with the questions do to like myself, am I good enough (enough is a killer of a word), and if I don't or am not how can other people like me or see me as good. And these are tough questions to face, so tough in fact that a person might run from them.

You had said that you don't think that what you H is doing doesn't have much to do with his illness and that is probably half right. It certainly has to do with more than his illness but for me my illness never left my head. My wife would ask me to clean dishes and my first thought would be no, no, you don't understand I have Crohn's. And in my mind that thought didn't stem from the fact that I was weak and shouldn't have to do anything. My thought process was: I have different priorities than you, I don't care if there are some dirty dishes, I'd much rather spend my time with something that I enjoy and quite frankly I don't think that's selfish, I want you to spend less time on the dishes too, do something you enjoy, there will be enough time for dishes. And this happens all the time with most things; my perspective was shaped by my illness, so indirectly, my illness has a lot to do with everything. But take heart, I've grown more since then. My thought process would be very different now but at the time it seemed completely sane and responsible. But it took time and another crisis for me to gain an even newer perspective.

Another thing that happened to me was I became an expert at intellectualizing. This can be great at times but as far as being intimate and fostering connection with others it isn't that great of a tool. Realize that this is the way that my mind shielded me from what would have been an onslaught of paralyzing emotions at the time. It has taken much time and much self-reflection to start breaking that down and feel again.

Whew...so there are some thoughts to start. Again feel free to ask questions if you have them.

B