Really upside down #2

[TwinDad]

UD,

I glanced through some of your begginging threads and this thread.

I think you are getting some excellent advice/guidance from Bill.....listen to him....he knows what he is talking about.

I was happy to see in the last couple of days you seem to have a little more spring in your step, probably due to getting to see your W. This is natural remember no expectations, no R talks, no phishing for information

You seem to be getting a little better grip on yourself, I must say in the beginning you were all over the place.

Just some general observations

- You have very little leverage in your current position. Your W is not in the house, she is controlling this R and the pace of it. Asking or expecting her to meet you half way (on anything) now just isn't going to happen. The sooner you accept that and truly accept it, the quicker things will get peaceful for you. What you do have control of is your actions, in particular the things that make you a more secure and confident man....these are attractive qualities. Realize by inquiring about OM and things like that (even disguising it by asking about others.....she sees right through that dude) you are making a self-fulfilling prophesy......you end up pushing her in that direction. Even if there is an OM, there is nothing you can do about it accept give an ultimatumm which won't work now. The quicker you get a grip on your confidence, the quicker the OM will go away. Trust me, I have had experience in this

- You seem to be a bit self righteous about her actions with other people. From a moral standpoint you are absolutely correct, but as pointed out above you have no leverage so it doesn't matter if you are right. Any effort to get her to admit wrong doing is just going to backfire and make her want to do those things more. I often ask people do they "want to be right or do they want to be happy". Getting your W to admit she has done wrong is not going to bring her closer to you. She has to do that in her own time. Obviously, I am not condoning being walked all over, but you have to decide what your limits are and those limits have consequences for your R. Check out Diehards thread for a courageous example of just how tough this can get.

-Going dark......even in some of the more recent posts I have seen you wield this like some weapon with vindictiveness in your tone. You are not hurting your W by waiting several hours to return a casual text/e-mail.....you are hurting yourself. These are the type of light dialog that you are hoping to get more of....pressure free interaction that shows you can be fun to be around or talk to. I typically ask people when they are doing stuff....is it coming rom your heart? If you are having thoughts like "yeah....I will make her wonder" abnd similar then you are doing it from the wrong place and no good will ever come of that. Going dark/dim is for you, it is help you deal with the emotion of the sitch, to give you some down time when you need it.

- Listen to your W. She has told you time and again what she is looking for. I have seen in several of your threads that she just wants to have a normal conversation with you. I think it is great that y'all talked for 1-1/2 hours the other day, casually....look where it got you....monitor results....those were good results. Listen and validate, don't get defensive in your thinking by saying...I only do this because you do that.....that will get you know where. Although your W is setting the pace, you have a lot of control over where the R goes, by stopping the chicken-egg debate and making positive changes (consistently) you can make a huge difference in your R

- Controlling, you know all about this....really listen to what she considers to be controlling, it may surprise you. Also, just my opinion but return receipt on e-mail is very controlling....I don't care if you have always used it...don't use it with your W.....have confidence.

Enough of the 2x4's

I think your sitch has a lot of positives, your W has not filed (at least what I saw), she wants space, she wants a friend, she wants to be comfortable with you, she wants things to be normal. To put things in perspective, I spent months making the same mistakes you have made leading up to the actual sep. I gained a grip on myself and was just her friend and gave her the loving space she needed (even if it hurt me) and we were back living together a month later.

I have been down many of the same paths that you have been and done many of the same things. There is plenty of hope.....you can do this.

Best Wishes