On the bumpy road towards found...

[JWS]

(((Lost)))

How are you today?? I don’t think that you list is weak at all. some very good stuff on there. I know that you would want more but lets not look so hard for the big signs we miss little ones.

I find when i give advice it usually helps me because its easier to tell someone what you think they should do then to do it your self. you were the one that really made me understand how much pain my W was in, until that I was just mad and not seeing things from her side. Your H is in a ton of pain and that masks most other things but he cares for you a lot. that is what that list shows. right now in his confusion his actions are hurtful but I don't think they are meant to be.

look at the good side you did hook up once, I gave it the old college boy try once and was shot down miserably, if fact she even laughed at the audacity. Its ok though I was not excepting it to work. I think I understand the “fear of feeling connected” they just aren’t ready.

[JWS]

that last part was ment as a joke by the way! it does not really seem that well worded but it was funny in my head!

[7 Year Itch]

Wow your list sounds very familiar to mine. However I read your's and think WOW, lots of pluses. Yet in my own sitch, I doubt everything. I think it's the nature of the beast. You do have so much more though to start from. Hang in there, DB like crazy. Watch for patterns of when things are good, and keep doing those things. I'm going to try to be more observant myself. I tend to venture back down to cheesless tunnels, and need to remember the watching and switching things up like Michele talks about.

Chris

[JCJ]

Lost, that list is really encouraging! It told me so much more about where your h is at.

I know you said that it isn't worth talking pre-bomb but Michelle says to look at how you acted when you were happy and try and replicate that. List some pre-bomb happy things and how you acted... if you like, I don't want to be your teacher or something and set you homework?

I'm also really interested in Pisces question.

[iamlost]

when he offered to come home how did that cone about and why?

Once, when he first moved out, I thought that part of it was just to get his space. He admitted that it was, and said, “Do you want me to move back?” I told him yes, and he did for a week or so and left again.

Then, when I caught him going back to the LDEA before it ended, he offered to move home so we could work that situation out. I accepted, but then he withdrew the offer.

Also, about a week after he moved out (the second time—are you guys able to follow this silliness? ), we were having lunch and he told me, “I probably would still be there [at home] if you hadn’t researched those hotels.” (He stayed in a hotel for about a week, and was conflicted about leaving, mostly because I encouraged it at that point). My heart almost exploded out of my body when he said that, with both regret and justified anger for him trying to put the blame for a decision he made on me. I still feel regret about it, although I know it’s pointless.

Basically, he was pretty conflicted about leaving at first, and has become more resolute over time, esp. during his 6 weeks away.

[pisces9]

ok- i was trying to get the resons WHY he did move back home- not leave...
becasue that would be good to do more of whatever worked...
unless that was a premature move home

[iamlost]

ok- i was trying to get the resons WHY he did move back home- not leave...
becasue that would be good to do more of whatever worked...
unless that was a premature move home

It was, and it was mostly out of guilt on his part, plus a little bit of doubt that he was doing the right thing. Like I said, I don't really even count them as positives because the desire was just not there on his part.

OK, on to my "homework"

Pre-bomb the most positive times, what worked (including sexually), were the times when H felt really secure in my love/acceptance for him, and when circumstances made it so I was not in control, or meek.

Like, when we would go visit his dad, I was always intimidated by his dad's temper and so would be very quiet & sweet, downplay my intelligence. During those visits, our sex life was PERFECT, a dream come true. Every single time we had sex he would be able to finish.

The last amazing thing he wrote me a few months back was right after we got back from a trip there, and he just kept saying in it, "I'm so in love with you," and was so passionate.

I've known this, saw the pattern, and the problem is that I don't WANT to downplay myself. I want my H's self-esteem to get on track so he can handle me being me, and not be intimidated. And I know he likes me as me, it's an unconscious thing. Other times when everything worked with us, inc. sexually was right around our wedding and at times when I was totally accepting and nurturing of him.

I want to do more of that (nurturing & accepting) than try to make myself meeker.

[pisces9]

what do you think you do when you are feeling strong and not meek? is there a middle area where you can be proud and intelligent, yet not "scare" anyone just trying to see what your version of being smart looks like for you...

also- i found this quote and it fits your name

Not all those who wander are lost- JRR Tolkien

[JWS]

the 2 months before my W left was the most affectionate I have seen her in a year and a half, so I know what you mean about him being "so in love with you and so passionate" I took a letter she wrote me that month and hung it up next to my bed. Every night before I prey, i read it to myself. I try to remember that this was the last time she truly expressed her feelings about me. Everything else has been her issues that she is struggling with, but buried down there that is how she feels about me. She ends it with "you have my heart forever and always" well forever a very long time and time is on our side.

Just seeing that everyday helps to keep my PMA up, maybe his letter can do the same for you. I think that as you get better at true giving you will find that acceptance and nurturing are just a natural side effect.

Hope you are having a good day.

[iamlost]

Thanks dudes and dudettes for all your encouragement, kindness & curiosity. Youse are the best.

Update:

Unfortunately, I think I've lost my only card I was holding against filing a D.

H claims that he talked to our insurance co. and his work, and it is actually up to his co. whether to keep me on the insurance or not, D or not, and they told him that they will keep me on even if we D, for as long as he wants them to.

I told him that I need to have this in writing from them before I'll agree to it, so he's supposed to get that before we meet next to hammer out an agreement.

He told me this today after he picked me up from work so we could go hang out. I just got really quiet, I wasn't even really sad. This is what he wants, and I can't stop him.

California has a 6 month waiting period to finalize, so the timer is about to be set on me.

Hanging out was kind of somber and serious after that. I was tired from last night, and kind of shocked over his news. But it went well. I asked H a ton of questions about himself to try to figure out where his head was at right now, because I'm never quite sure. I expressed love in my interest in him and showing lots of patience and validating. (H takes a looooonnnnggggggg time to answer stuff, I mean you could take naps and wake up and he'd still be pondering )There was some R talk, but it went calmly and well instead of crazy and sour.

I think I got him thinking about things again, introduced some small microscopic bit of doubt over all this. He accused me at one point of "trying to turn this ship around." And I said, I know I can't turn this ship around, it's your ship, only you can turn it if you want to. (P.S. What's with the ship metaphor anyway?)

But where I really got him thinking was when I asked him, what makes you happy? What do you see as a happy life?

He thought long and hard, had a very conflicted and confused look on his face, and wouldn't answer me. I said it so lovingly and with so much genuine interest in him, cause that's how I felt--I can't describe it--it was an extremely intimate discussion, I think it started to really consternate him--if that makes sense.

Anyway, I gave him a really long hug goodbye and just tried to exude love out of my pores, and kissed him on the cheek.

So, it was kind of a sad night, but full of a lot of love from me to him and a pretty satisfying talk. So, sad but good.

And I'm not really worried about the D. There's still 6 months before it's final, and I'm not going anywhere right now.

P.S. Speaking of not going anywhere, a really gorgeous & sweet guy asked me for my phone number last night at an event I went to. Nothing will come of it, cause of course I'm not going there, but it was nice. Plus I answered the question I posed in my last thread of what I would do if I was also attracted to a guy who was attracted to me, and I guess the answer is feel good & stand.