Hey Guys Thought you may find this helpful, given the recent conversations about sending letters, emails and over the top actions.
Although I find the words of advice and encouragement from the WAW and almost WAW invaluable, I try to remember one thing as I listen. My wife has given me no verbal indication that she wants to work on the marriage, and although I am a very impatient person by nature, the last thing I want to do is pressure her, or worse yet make her feel that I am changing just for her, which she knows would not be lasting changes.
It's a post from Bworl to me, using a quote from Bridgestone.
NDS
Quote:
What's the best approach to busting a divorce?
Becoming the best man that we could ever be, and loving our spouse unconditionally.
She will never find another man that resonates with her the way you do.
I want you to check out this post I came across from Bridgestone, a potential WAW. This was in response to a male poster who was thinking about writing his wife an email/letter explaining all the things he had learned about himself and was in the process of changing. I thought her input was invaluable to the men among us who are stuck trying to figure out how to reach their wife....
Quote:
I would not have wanted to hear that from my H after the bomb within the first few months.
In my case, I wanted space away from his actions & words that had left me physically ill & emotionally numb. I was overwraught with trying to keep the wall up around my feelings and my thoughts.
Only after I had time to rest and regroup to a 'new normal', then I could 'watch' his actions. Once his actions showed me even a minutia of consistency & regularity in what he said he would do, then I could tolerate listening to a little bit of what got him there. He had to do what he said, not just say what he was going to do in order for the trust to begin to rebuild.
Notice the progression she talks about:
1. She wanted to become NORMAL again inside. 2. Then she would WATCH what he DID. 3. When she saw consistency in his ACTIONS, she would hear WORDS. 4. It is the ACTIONS that carry weight, not the WORDS.
Your wife is affected by you EVERY day. The fact that she does not acknowledge it is irrelevant. The fact that she sticks to her guns about being apart one day is irrelevant.
There is a process at work here.
First she needed to feel safe and happy again. Then she begins to watch. As she sees your changes and starts to believe in them, she will hear your words. But your actions will always speak much more loudly than your words.
