Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[mulesqb]

Hey LHF - I am trying very hard not to take personally. It's just that we function like a family - but it is very fake. She acts normal and than withdraws completely. Every time i think that her and i are getting closer she makes sure that doesn't happen.

I agree about the psychiatrist but see no way to make that happen. My IC and I tried a few things but none of them worked. I also hate these R talks. Phoenix warned me against having them and she keeps bringing them up and I try to run away from them.

We usually go to church as a family. Sometimes because of the kids activities we would split up and go to different masses. As far as friends go, she has divorced herself from any of our friends that would be good influences.

Thanks for the kind words - I won't give up - it just gets very hard and VERY frustrating - even when i am detaching and reminding myself that it is her problem. It's funny I actually felt like she was smothering me a little this week to an extent and then would back away.

[The Wifey]

Neil I had a picture of a donkey with bandages all over. Sorry, but it made me smile.

YOU are ok. It is your wife that is mixed up.

[Bworl]

I continue to believe that there are mental health issues at work with your wife Mules.

Would your wife be open to you speaking with her therapist if you assured her that your therapist would not share anything that she and your wife have talked about?

Don't you think it would help her therapist to help HER if she knew what YOUR perspective was on the changes in your wife?

I know this would be a very delicate thing to pull off, and I don't in anyway want this to be an arguing point between the two of you. Perhaps you could suggest to her that you truly want her to receive help from her therapy and that you would be willing to speak to her therapist simply about YOUR perspective on things at home. Just to provide the therapist with a more complete picture of what things are like.

Of course her therapist would have to agree as well.

My ex was immediately put in contact with a Psychiatrist after her failed suicide attempt and a week in inpatient care. That psychiatrist never had a conversation with the woman that I know of as my wife for over 20 years. He met a completely different person and had no way of knowing that she had changed in many fundamental ways.

He saw a woman who was tired of being married, who felt alienated from her husband, and who had no desire to be married to him anymore. He received the story that our marriage had always been bad, that we had never been happy, and he knew no differently.

His advice to her was that she had waited long enough to be happy. That if divorcing would bring her peace and happiness, then she should do what she felt she needed to do.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

In the end, your wife is cycling again. And that's how this thing seems to go in many cases. The most troubling part to me is that she has made the boys the scapegoat. Interesting that it's not you, as it is in so many of the situations on this board.

You don't get to decide to give up your children, and you don't get the option to quit on them if parenting is too rough for you to handle. And yet it really seems as though THAT is the answer she is pushing for. And THAT is what really convinces me that there is a psychosis of some kind at work here.


Sorry the ride is currently rough.


Blessings,

Bill

[mulesqb]

KJ - Smiling is good - that's why I put it there. Keep doing doing it. I hope its contagious.

I'm trying to get back in detach mode - commence countdown 10..9..8..

[The Wifey]

This will get better. She just isn't very stable right now. Keep validating and being the great person you are. Even if it feels fake, keep doing the family things. That is acting as if. When she needs to withdraw then you let her.

I know it hurts.

[mulesqb]

Hey Bill - I am in total agreement on the mental health. Just don't know what to do about it but am afraid I could lose my marriage if I don't figure something out.

When I have brought up her therapist (which has only been 2 or 3x) she has said that it is personal. So i stay out of it. Today she was talking about being sad - So I asked her how her therapist was tackling it - she told me that she hadn't discussed it with her yet. I was floored!! She asked me 3 weeks ago to be patient about making any changes in our life while she was working on this stuff. Turns out it's not even a topic of discussion yet.

There is no question in my mind if I was included in her therapy it would help her therapist tremendously. Originally we were going to MC together. When we started to make progress our MC was starting to dive into my W's depression. My W got angry and never came back. The MC later told me that she was trying to get my W comfortable enough to recommend a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist for her. She said that she doubts my W would give the complete story to another therapist without me there. She's avoiding the real issues.

I see a lot of similarities in my W to the sitch you describe with your ex. It scares me tremendously. Our MC thinks our sitch has hope if my W gets the actual help she needs.

I think my W is getting similar advice about being this person she always wanted to be.That she should do it. How can a therapist encourage someone to basically stop parenting???? It's mind boggling.

She seems to cycle on the scapegoat also. Now she harps on the boys - but it's also been me and her parents. I also think she is about to change her job for the 3rd time in 4 months.

Thanks for the thoughts - how would you approach her about getting involved in the therapy? I can't imagine she would agree to it.

[mulesqb]

Thanks KJ - You and I are in similar sitches. That's why it really got to me when you were so down last week.

I love spending time with my kids - it's just hard when she fakes it and then leaves and then complains. It's not her - that's how I know she is going through something that is beyond my understanding. It's been a long time now - and I'm just wondering if this even has a possibility of working out. I know I'm hurting because I was actually encouraging her to separate this morning and believe me - that is really the LAST thing that I want. But the current setup is not working so it is time to try something different. I think I'm strong enough to get through it now and I really think it will cause her to hit rock bottom or for me to realize that it is really over.

[The Wifey]

mulesqb,

Validating does not mean that you encourage her to separate. Think of her as vulnerable and scared right now. She needs you. She's sick and she doesn't even know how much she needs you.

Think of her with pity and concern. Try to take yourself out of the equation for a minute. Do for her what you would do for your dearest friend or relative. (Because she is!)

I know its a dance. I just don't think the dark DB is what you need right now, or what will help her.

I was in that dark place where you just don't trust yourself, yet you cycle between thinking that everyone else is wrong at one time and that you need them the next.

Be her most caring friend, right now when she needs you most. This will pay dividends, I promise you. I've been there. I know.

[Bworl]

I was in that dark place where you just don't trust yourself, yet you cycle between thinking that everyone else is wrong at one time and that you need them the next.

Be her most caring friend, right now when she needs you most.

I have to tell you that I think there is MUCH wisdom and good counsel in this.

You know that my take on your situation is guided a great deal by the fact that your wife has NOT taken on many of the truly ugly characteristics that come with some MLC'ers or mean WAS's.

I do believe that your wife is in incredible agony right now. I don't know why Mules, because, if anything, after having gone through my own MLC/divorce experience I tend to be less sympathetic to the one who is causing the problems.

You have a job to do, and God forgive me for reminding you of this, because it's a job that's going to be hard and continue to take much from you.

Your job is to love this woman enough that you endure the pain of what she's going through.

All of these externals involving the kids, you, the in-laws, the neighbors...all of these things are circumstantial to whatever issues are affecting her on the inside, whether they be physiological or emotional in nature.

If she had advancing Alzheimers, I trust that you would be beside her to the end, caring for her, picking up her slack, and seeing that she got the best care imaginable.

Well to me, this is similar, even though you cannot put a name on it just yet.

Your actions towards her during this dark time will have a significant effect on the relationship the two of you have when this issue is finally addressed and solved.

I'm sorry that things will be so hard for you. We can offer you our prayers, our support, and our ears when you just need to get it off your chest or bounce some ideas around. But you have to do the hard work.


Blessings,

Bill

[mulesqb]

Thanks KJ - I understand what you are saying. I shouldn't say I was encouraging her. She said that she thinks we need to separate and I said "ok, I understand that's what you need to do".

I have been trying to be that friend and be there - but she said to me - "that's great that you want to be there for me but you are the one I'm in conflict with, so i can't really talk to you". She then spent the next hour confiding with me and turning it into her issue with the kids.

Thank you though - I see that I just have to stay with it no matter what she says to me and how she treats me.

I did actually hug her twice this morning. She was crying a lot and just looked so desperate - so I grabbed her and hugged her and rubbed her back. I couldn't help it. I didn't say anything though. The other backslide was that I did tell her I loved her again. She was just saying that she doesn't feel part of anything anymore and feels so lonely. I just said that she wasn't really alone and that i loved her and was there for her if she felt comfortable enough to talk to me.

I won't go dark - but as you know it's hard being in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. There are so many times I just want to hold her - not sexually, but I can't because I know it makes her angry.