I've looked back at some of my earlier posts. So up and down. I'm like the person that you know in real life. Going through hard times. The keep telling you, "Hey, I'm okay. Really. I am." Deep down, you just know their hurting. That is how I must look.
My feelings are so....... I can't describe it.
I know the day is coming. The day that I have been fighting against for almost two years. One of us moving out. That day is now here, and I'm so conflicted about it.
On one hand, I hate that she has finally taken the steps to do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't going to happen. It's happening. It's not what I want. I'm going to miss her. Truly.
On the other hand, I feel relieved. I'm no longer going to be a doormat. Like the countdown is on to get my life going again. The things that I want to plan. For myself. For myself and my kids. Taking care of me. Like she has told me, the start of a new chapter in my life.
And we're just seperating. Not getting divorced.
Yet.
I AM afraid that I will find weakness in myself in the relationships that I seem to be nurturing. I'm fearful of the feeling of apathy I have now felt towards my marriage. It really scares the HELL out of me. The people in my life ENCOURAGE me to find someone. It is such an odd thing. From friends that only know me and my sitch, to the friends that have known the both of us for years. THOSE guys are the surprising ones.
But they care for me. They know my struggles. They want me to be happy and they just feel like it ain't going to be with roomie, anymore.
I SEE my wife. I see glimpses of her. But I know that lurking inside of her is the alien form. The one who is somewhere else mentally and emotionally. It is so hard to know that they are both there.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
