Thanks DQ - It was your "snap their fingers" in her face comment that gave me the push I needed to finally write this.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
Of course if SOMEONE (ie: you are going to have to do it) would snap their fingers in your wife's face and say "hey...remember? Filed for divorce once already? You agreed to read the book? Nothing has changed and therefore, good ol' Cinco was caught reading Divorce Busters website....because remember? Those ultimatum talks?"
I don't really feel that she has taken me seriously on this and needs to wake up to the fact that this IS REALLY SERIOUS.
Yes I have been looking at NTE's and Lost's threads. It seems everybody is tendering their resignations as husbands writing loving last resort letters to save our marriage this morning. I'll give those guys my feedback just need some more time to read it.
I was looking at an old email I sent to my wife on Oct 24, 2007. This was my first feeble stab at trying to repair our marriage. Email sure is a cold way to communicate with someone that you know intimately. Instead of sitting down face to face with her to express my desire to restore our marriage and make it the best it can be. I sent an email. No wonder nothing happened as a result of that message. The really stupid thing is, if I had sat down with her to tell her this it would have meant so much more to her.
Take this as a lesson, DON'T SEND AN EMAIL for something this important and personal.
Say it... Look into your love's eyes and express your feelings directly to them.
Here's what I sent but should have said:
W,
You and I have shared so many years together now. We have had our ups and downs and had to face many challenges. It seems lately though that we are in the doldrums, instead of enjoying each other and doing fun things together we are just bickering at each other. I know that things can't always be fun, but they don't have to be all bad either. I am mostly to blame for this. Also the money situation right now isn't helping things but hell, when have we ever had enough money not to worry about it?
All I know is that it's just no fun to always be fighting and I feel like we are slipping into an awful rut. I want us to be happy together, but I'm not sure what we need to do to change the path we are on. I have had this on my mind for quite a while now and I don't know if you are thinking the same way or not. When I get depressed about it, I end up disconnecting from the relationship and that just makes things worse. I don't know; maybe we are both disconnected right now. How can we get the connection back?
You know that I love you and that I always will. I really miss your touching, kisses and hugs. I'm just not feeling very loved right now. It's probably mostly my fault and I wish I knew what to do about it. Please let's fix things before it gets any worse than it already is. I am willing to do whatever it takes to have a happy and strong relationship with you. Just let me know what it is that I need to change to make it happen.
Love, H
Thankfully we got over the money troubles and I finally found the will to change myself and figured out the things to do to make her happy again. We are slowly reconnecting again.
Oh Cinco...letters like that make me cry (because I can't help but project my poor sad ex-marriage upon the situation)...and although I agree that an email is not the best approach, I still feel the emotions running through your words very clearly. If my husband had sent me such a letter I would have immediately tried to make changes or get in better touch with him.
I guess we all stand back and look at other's sitch and usually see or feel that they are better off than we are in some way. And so when I look at my past, I can only wish that my ex-h took more courage and effort to help our marriage. But if it gives you ANY encouragement at all, I want to tell you from a woman...that you seem to have deep running emotions and I pray that your wife will open herself up to receive those emotions. It is clear that you want to pour yourself upon her, and if she would only be open to it, her life would be so much happier.
My wife is very sentimental. Soon it will be her birthday again and I am thinking about getting her a ring. When we had been dating for about 3 months, I decided her first birthday present from me would be a ring. I carefully watched the rings that she would wear and there was one that she wore which would only fit on her left-hand ring finger. Once when she had it off and wasn't looking, I measured it so that I would know the size of her ring finger.
I bought her this beautiful little twisted wire gold ring. When I gave it to her and she tried it on, the only finger that it would fit was the ring finger of her left hand (hehe my plan worked). That's when I told her, "That's your promise ring. It's my promise to always love you." That moment really cemented our relationship. No man had ever given her a ring before.
The sad thing is that after we were married for a time, our home was burglarized and that ring was one of the many things was stolen. She keeps telling me not to buy a replacement for it. She also says don't buy flowers, but I have learned to ignore that and get them anyway. She likes when she does receive flowers now, so maybe it's time for a new ring.
Since she wears her wedding ring on that finger now, which has a silver band, I'm thinking a silver ring like the "promise ring" that would fit her left-hand little finger would be nice. That way she could wear it along with her wedding ring if she wanted to. This time it will be my promise to give as much of myself to her as I can and to never stop giving.
Looking back on our early relationship together has helped me to visualize how happy we can be together. Maybe this will help her to remember those times too. That would make me so happy if it does help her to remember and gives her a new special memory.
How does this fit in with the letter you are thinking of giving? I like the sentimentality aspect, but I think you are really sending mixed messages if you do both of these in a relatively close window. If I would do this for my wife, I would assume that she would really like it and it would make her feel that, to me, things are going well in our relationship. If I then turned around a short time later and gave her a version of your letter, I think she would feel like the ring was not genuine and that I was just messing with her emotions.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Yeah I'm not sure I'm giving the utlimatum just yet. Been having second thoughts here lately on that. I want to see how things are going in maybe a couple more months (which is well after her B-day). Then if we are still spinning our wheels, maybe do the "Ultimatum".
Well Saturday night I got "GO TO SLEEP!" from her when I tried touching her back. At that point I got out of bed and went in the den, I couldn't lie there next to her. In the morning I found out that she had a stomach ache and a sinus headache. I wish she had just said that in the first place and told her so when I was given the real reason. That would not have upset me but it felt like rejection at the time instead with no reason given.
Sunday night after sitting together on the couch it felt like she might be in the mood......NOT! W - "Do we have to do something tonight? I need to get up early tomorrow."
Me - Do we need to have another talk about this again?
W - "It's never enough for you is it? We did something last week."
Yeah but it had been 2 weeks before that and it felt like a chore from you. It might as well be none at all if you don't really want me. I want to touch you, it's how I show you I love you.
"Are you marking it on a calendar or something? It's really off-putting when I know that you are running to the computer to write in some journal."
I'm just trying to make our relationship as good as it can be. Is there something wrong with that? Please continue reading SSM, I know you have stopped.
"I just haven't had time to read anything." (She did have time to read a novel when she had stopped reading SSM though.)
Just please read it again, everything that I am feeling is said in that book better than I can say it. Promise me that you will read it.
"I guess this means that we have to do something now."
No we don't have to do anything now. Why don't you let me rub your back though. It doesn't have to lead to anything. I like touching your skin.
"I think there is something else that you are wanting to touch."
I gave her a nice back rub. Of course it made me horny as hell massaging her back but I controlled myself and before I was done got over the feeling of wanting to take her. When I finished we laid and snuggled for a while.
W, I Love You
"I Love You too."
I'm glad, all I want is for us to love one another.
Will she ever see that I just want to ML with her to show her how much I do really love her??? Will she ever ML to me to show me how much she loves me and not do it because she feels she is obligated to? Why does she not see this for what it is?
We have to set aside time for the two of us. ML cannot be the absolute last thing on the list of things to do. It's not a chore, it's for us to both enjoy.
ML should be something that you want to do with me, it should be enjoyable. If not then why bother with it at all???
No wonder nothing happened as a result of that message. The really stupid thing is, if I had sat down with her to tell her this it would have meant so much more to her. 
Cinco