Thanks Nik for your input. That is interesting what you say. Whenever I have tried to look on the bright side it is about the kids future with us rather than me clinging on to the past. It would upset the grandparents but then our family should be about us and the kids. I would like to give the kids a chance not to be brought up straight into the rat race so maybe moving away IS the right idea.
Anyway I have been reading John Gray's book How to Get what You Want and be happy with what you have. It's very interesting, very spiritual and has led me to think that I will get what I want if I leave it in God's hands. He will guide me and if I spend more time keeping in touch with Him then I will know what to do. I tried to think about that today and think about the things that I would do if we emigrated. The parts of my deep down dreams that I could follow if we did and it all started to make sense.
Thanks again, it helps
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Oh BTW we went to Salsa classes last night! Great fun. Something I have wanted to do for years. H has never really been much into dancing and I always felt it would be disloyal and even dangerous to go on my own (y'know in case I met someone). So it was great that he suggested it and even organised it all!
We had a great time and are planning to go regularly
I was happy and said so and said thanks for a great evening. He has learnt that quality time doesn't have to mean deep conversations all the time LOL!
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
"I will get what I want if I leave it in God's hands. He will guide me and if I spend more time keeping in touch with Him then I will know what to do."
I think that's the answer. The more we rely on God the more clear the path we should take is.
Just journalling a bit here about our weekend and other things. Started badly H was not in a good mood had a tough week at work and admitted later that he had been v. nervous about attending dive club in case OW was there and a scene would be caused. Told me he was sweating and shaking all day. At least he is clear that he doesn't want to see her again.
Had an argument about our plans for the next couple of weekends. Apparently I just ride rough shod over whatever he wants to do and we have to do everything I want. he had plans to take S(4) and friend to Legoland on Sunday, while I had plans to have friends over for lunch. Plans which he should have know about since I did tell him more than once.
He also had not discussed the legoland plan with S friend's parents
We ended on Friday night with me agreeing to scratch lunch plans, AND scratch party plans for S's birthday (same weekend as wedding of a friend he knows from dive club).
Next morning I woke up with a new solution and suggested that we have S party on his actual birthday instead of weekend, and that H take S and friend to legoland that same day. That way we can do the lunch thing and move rather than cancel the party so we can do wedding. H agrees good solution.
This leaves us with a great deal of work to do in finishing tidying house after decorators so we can look respectable for lunch party.
Lunch party goes well, however friends we invited have only recently heard of our problems and emotionally not ready to forgive H for affair. Taught me a DB lesson, not to involve anyone who doesn't already know about what happened.
End of evening H comes on to me as I have flimsy nightie on. (Other one in wash - LOL). I'm not too sure but flirt a bit in a kind of you'll have to chase me first way - also tease that he is too drunk. H suddenly snaps out of flirtatious mood and is bitter. Tells me he has wasted entire weekend that I don't appreciate him and friends don't appreciate him. I insist I do appreciate him (uh oh!) to which he of course he replies not to contradict him. So I say sorry he feels unappreciated. Then I explain I wasn't refusing his advances but just felt like being chased a bit. Bad mood lifts and he proceeds to chase me round the house before catching me .....
Monday night H comes home after kids are in bed and we practice our salsa dancing ready for tonights class. Goes wrong when I try to explain the steps. What can I do, I know I must not be controlling or critical and I know that men are supposed to lead when dancing but when you are both learning something and one of you can remember what the teacher said and the other one can't what do you do!!! Do I just completely forget about the fact that he is doing it wrong, ignore him and let him lead even though we are stepping over each other's toes?!?!
Feeling frustrated
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I don't know what to say about the dance lessons. I totally see your point. It sounds like H is very sensitive about being "corrected". Could you say, Can we try it like this......?
I understand you wanting to be "chased." I would like nothing more than H chasing me. I persued ML with H tonight. I just got back from visiting family for 10 days. He said maybe later in the week. Blah, blah. Anyway, I think your doing great. It so hard feeling like we have to walk on eggshells, right now, isn't it? nik
Thanks for your thoughts. I don't know how he feels about it being my solution. One of the things with H is that when he is in a bad mood he doesn't want to know about solutions. I know now of course why that is and he just needs emotional support not solutions. However I feel that by conceding to him and then us sleeping on it he was probably in a better mood by the time I came up with my solution. Truth is I felt angry and stepped on by him when I had to give up BOTH my plans before he would calm down. And I would be the person on the phone to people explaining why I was letting them down.
Nik:
Salsa went really well. H confessed afterwards that he was not looking forward to it but he was great and I told him so. In the lessons you have to keep swapping partners so I boosted his ego by telling him which other partners were rubbish and that he was at least as good as any of the others. It was great, dancing with him felt really natural and flowed. I have been so disappointed over the years that he would never dance with me, but I guess I was too critical in the past when we did dance and he just gave up.
I will catch up on your threads soon.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I see I haven't posted in a week. That must be a good sign. We have been mostly doing well. I got a bit worried at weekend that we might be backsliding. Nothing concrete but I just felt like I did maybe 5 years ago, before relationship had started to go bad but then again not so good either. I tried to brainstorm some 180s, tried to think up some goals but we have been having a really busy time and on Tuesday had a big party for S4's birthday. So lots of planning and preparation for that. It went well and H said afterwards that although it was hard work he enjoyed it and felt like we were a team again.
We spent some time afterwards just chatting outside and he mentioned that he noticed I had been on this board. So I talked a bit about how it was helping me and talked about some of the other things that have been bothering me. We had a bit of a stressful time on morning of S's birthday becuase we had planned to take him to legoland but got caught in bad traffic and had to turn back. Ended up spending 2.5 hrs in car in 30 deg heat with no a/c. Yuck. H was crabby. But he told me although he felt crabby and that it had gone badly he knew that he would still rather be doing that than not be with us. One good thing about summer is that we can sit outside and talk. H is a smoker and I don't like him to smoke around me and the kids so he has to go outside winter or summer. In summer we can sit and chat and he can smoke which keeps him relaxed and the conversation flows. Don't know what we'll do in the winter.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hi gang, I hope you all had good weekends. H was away this weekend at wedding where no kids allowed. it was one of his scuba diving friends. I told him as he left that I would miss him. He asked me if I wanted him to give up diving. My face said I did but I said no you enjoy it too much I don't want to spoil that for you. He said I will if you want me to. I didn't say anything else. There is no way I want him to give up because I asked him to, I know where that will lead - he will end up resenting me for it. But i did miss him this weekend and I also found myself resenting having to take care of kids on my own and also explaining where he was and seeing looks on people's faces like I'm a doormat or something. I know I'm not a doormat and I just think well I'm not that controlling wife anymore and if you want to be like that with your H then just go ahead and see where it gets you.
Long time friend who is godfather to S came over on Sunday with his Ds to give S his birthday gift. We had a good time mucking about with the kids in the garden. Friend took his shirt off because they were playing with water pistols, I couldn't help noticing how fit he looked and wondering what would have happened if WE had got it together. We could have done but I turned him down. Probably would have ended up on these boards just the same LOL
Just my musings
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
At least he is clear that he doesn't want to see her again.
LOL