I might disregard her answer to the "i miss u" txt. That could just be her defensive mechanism deflecting the blame back to you. Somewhere deep inside her, she knows you want her back. It could be she is fighting her pride right now. There really is no guessing what is going on in her mind now.
Do you miss her more when you dont have the kids?
There is nothing wrong with you missing her. That is just your love for her that is making it hurt so much.
I miss her a bit more when I dont have the kids. I just have really been missing her a lot the last 2 weeks. I was pretty good for awhile, angry she left, now I think I'm over the anger and just want her back.
This week W and I had a few nice conversations on the phone. She was out of town with the kids. I told her I missed being there and spending time there. She questioned whether or not that was true. This led into a little R talk. I got the normal excuses...'I need someone with the same energy as me, you never called me from work trips, we didnt communicate, I couldnt tell you everything, I need someone thats my best friend, you are a great father, I want to be friends, were just not right for each other,etc, etc..'
So, I actually thought the conversation was decent, only because we talked. We hadnt really talked for a long time, and we talked for quite awhile. She cried during our conversation. I was honest, didnt beg for her to come back, but did let her know how important she is to me. I had told her that over the time of the separation, I had discovered how I really felt about her. That I was over the anger of her leaving and what she meant to me. I also told her that I knew it had nothing to do with me and it was up to her to figure out if we were worth fighting for, but if we did, our future would be much different as I know have put together what her needs are.
Then, she had been talking about us going out to dinner with the kids. It sounds like my kids were no too keen on this idea, so I asked her to a movie. She balked at first, but then said it would be a 'good start' for us. Below is some of the banter from her...
'Oh...just got your txt this morning (I wrote this last night)...I am not sure you and I going out is the best thing. I would have dinner with you and the kids but I mentioned that to Hailey and I don't think she liked the idea. Maybe we could show her that we can get along? I don't want to talk about "us". I would like to be friends and I think that is a good place to start. There has been a lot of mud slinging between us and it has been hurtful - to both of us, I am sure. Showing the kids we can get along and be friendly is a huge priority to me...and I also want them to know that they can see and be with you at any time. I agree...you are a great dad and have shown that you can be with the kids on your own...thank you. Good luck today.'
next msg; 'Ok...I have no idea what is out except Batman...'
next msg; 'OK...I really don't think this is a good idea. I know you want to work on us and I don't want to send the wrong message to you. I want to be friends. It will be way more productive for us in managing the kids in the future. I just don't want to give you the wrong idea.
Let me know if you want to take the kids to dinner. Thanks...'
So, my reply was that us spending time together alone is part of rebuilding our friendship and that we could start there. I would like to go to a movie, it would be casual, and a lesser chance of us getting into an R talk. If we can become friends then we can talk about next stage.
I'm sure I broke another million DB rules. But, I figure nothing is happening the way things have been the past couple months, I might as well try something. I felt by her accepting to go to a movie and her willingness to rebuild our friendship, I felt like she was maybe making a move to 'trying'. But I sort of expected her to pull back a bit, which she did. I dont really want to spend time together with her as a family, I'd like to hang out with her alone if possible.
First of all, your 8yr old daughter does NOT get to dictate the decision to go out to eat as a family. She may not like it, but it's not her decision to make. If your w is letting the 8yr old make decisions, then daddy may never come home, and we all get to eat ice cream and twinkies for breakfast. See what I'm saying? Kids don't understand that in order for things to move forward it's going to take everyone doing things they may not like to do. The outcome is worth the pain, but a child cannot see that. And, it's SO important to see that it can happen without arguing or any other petty BS that they may be used to seeing. If they can see a happy family simply enjoying dinner, they'd be more inclined to want to do more of that.
Spending time as a family is what will lead to spending time together. Show your wife that you will not go into r talks when you are together. Show her how happy and upbeat you can be, and don't put any pressure on her.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
W just asked me to go to dinner with her and the kids tonight...I accepted.
This will be a bit strange, but we'll see what happens. We have hardly interacted at all for 3 months, and now were going to do it with the kids. Maybe thats her buffer. Is this a positive, or is she just trying to do something for the future for the kids?
Is this a positive, or is she just trying to do something for the future for the kids?
Yes and yes. I'm learning more and more that things don't have to be binary. I was talking to a friend last night who told me that he knew a couple that was reasonably happily married, but, they had different addresses. It takes all kinds.
So, it's been a long time since you've even had interaction. I take that you are having interaction as a positive. That it is dinner and with the kids I take as an extreme positive.
I would also suggest that as you get ready for dinner, think of some 180s that are subtle. If you are normally a jeans and t-shirt guy, you could wear a nice shirt. If you normally get a burger, get a salad or a turkey sandwich. If you normally get a beer, get a lemonade. Or vice-versa.
I've screwed up a bunch since, but, a few weeks back, we did the dinner as a family thing and just to switch things up a bit, I got a beer and a turkey sandwich instead of the usual burger and lemonade. I was gentle and spoke softly to the kids which is a point of contention between us right now that I'm am madly working on. Then, when the waitress didn't offer her name, I asked and made pleasant conversation with her when she came by to help us. All of these things were different that I would have done previously. These combined with a few other things when she came back to the house, I know threw her a little. Like I said, I've really screwed the pooch since then, but, I can't forget how this did have an effect on her. We will be getting together on Friday for my son's last gymnastics meet. This time, I'm going to remember to bring the camcorder and really get into things as in the past I've been so focused on her and not so much on the kids.
So, you have a golden opportunity to show her that you recognize the things that she's been saying and that you are changing and becoming a new man.
I hope my explanations make sense. Perhaps some of the other folks can chime in.
I'm excited for you and I hope that things go well.
I cannot stop wondering what her motives are for this. She has been soo selfish during all of this that if she is actually doing this for the kids sake, then she is changing. She may have also reached a point where she is so detached that she is not worried about being with me and it wont effect her feelings. I know she feels bad that the kids have not seen me for a week. I dont know if they were asking her to stay here a day or two or not. So I dont know if she's 'paying' me back for letting the kids stay with her an extra day or two, or if she's thinking ahead towards something. I have been getting mixed messages in her replies and I felt something a little different in talking to her this week. She was willing to go out with me alone, then thought it over for a bit and reconsidered. Then offered this dinner with the kids. I'm pretty uncomfortable with it actually.
So...it still makes me wonder her motives for this.
Well, I'm sure that I can't fathom a woman's motives either. My W has told me definitively that we are done and finished. What can I do about that? Nothing. What I can continue to do is to be an attractive option. That's about all that you can do as well.
W late as usual. she sat down and was very upbeat, asked me a lot of questions about my family, etc, what I have been doing. Not much personal stuff. It was a very friendly dinner. I ended up buying, even though I was the one invited. We had some nice conversations and it was a good dinner with the kids. Just like old times.
She then asked me if she could have the kids early again next week so she could drive to her vacation spot. Right in front of the kids. I just sort of shook my head a 'no'..She doesnt really remember that I gave her an extra 3 nights this week because I was busy with some other stuff. I havent seen them for 8 days, then I have them for 9, then she has them for 7. I told her I will have the kids for the duration of my time. Her mood changed pretty quickly and she got a bit quiet. After talking about her plans tomorrow, the kids all wanted to go home and spend the night with me tonight. She will pick them up tomorrow.
We then walked to the car. I put my hand on her back and I told her she looked nice. She said, 'right'....She wasnt decked out at all, but I thought she looked nice. So I said it was nice to see her, she said 'thanks'...still the same coldness she's had. No interest in me, no hug, zero interest, limited eye contact. She made no comments about me at all.
Everything seemed pretty good until she didnt get her way on the dropoff time next week. She's still very focused on herself.
So, one event down. Got the one comment in.
What's my next move? I'm assuming its sit back and wait. It's all up to her I guess.
