2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

Here it is 3 am and I cannot sleep again. Things will not stop racing through my mind, it really sucks. I don't want to go back on anti-depressants.

H picked up kids tonite in our '68 charger with GF as sidekick. So frustrating! In my car!!!! I did not speak to her but allowed it, he said he would park down the street if I wanted. Was that the right thing to do? I don't know anymore. So another activity that I missed. THen went to his sisters. I have not spoken to this sister in law for some time. She has been a bit of an enabler for him, he is there several times a week and that is how he met GF through his niece. Just a really bad influence over there and I hate it. All 4 of them slept in a tent in her backyard a few weeks ago. Very inappropriate, especially with the kids inside but he doesn't think so. Guess I am the only one with morales anymore.

Very depressed, going to find something to do.

[HSSweetheart]

I AM FLIPPING OUT! My kids apparently read my text messages to a friend of mine to H and GF last night. I know you would say not to address it but I really want to text and say they were none of their business. I already told both kids that they should never have read them let alone read them aloud. All I could get out of my son was that H was laughing.

[JCJ]

HSSweetheart,

I really want to respond to you properly so I will post some more later on as I'll be away from my computer for a little while. I just wanted to say that please wait a little while before you do anything. If you are going to do something do it with a cool head and that way you will be the most effective. My rule of thumb is that if I am REALLY annoyed by something my h has done or some circumstance I wait until I have cooled off - usually an afternoon, preferably over night.

I'll post back later, I'm really sorry that has happened, it was a horrible thing to have happened to you.

(((HSSweetheart)))

[HSSweetheart]

He just called, I was hysterical this morning. He called to tell me about my D8 reading the texts. It spun into everythng imaginable, and I said everything that you would say was wrong to say. He says papers will be coming soon, get a lawyer, it will save both of us money and aggravation if I just sign them and not fight. He also told me to move on. Said it would be weird to go out w/him for his birthday tomorrow. Like I am some kind of cancerous growth now. That is what hurts the most. Kept saying I could move out and he would move in and take care of things. I said the only way I would leave is to sell. I said I didn't like this GF doing things to D8. He said that was ridiculous, but agreed that if I had someone who was doing stuff with S12 it would bother him. But isn't going to tell her to stop. I said I wanted our stuff to remain between us and not shared with her. He didn't really respond. I also said it was killing me knowing he was sleeping with her. He still has yet to confirm it, I was waiting to trick him. Anyway, nothing great.

[JCJ]

Hiya

I was thinking about your situation on the way home and I wanted to ask you something I heard Michelle say on Keeping Love Alive.

If you could wave a magic wand and wake up tomorrow morning what would you want to happen? If that thing did happen how would you be acting differently?

Hope you are feeling a little better.

[cat03]

oh honey, deep breath now IN....OUT.............
First of all, why dont' you want to take anti-d? what is so wrong about them? you sound like you could really need some right now, no reason not to take them.
Second of all: you do NOT need him to "complete" you, you do not need him to survive or live a happy life. Someone posted here that the spouse coming back should be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself, YOU are the cake hon, you don't need him, the sooner you accept this the better.

The feelings of jelousy are normal, I totally understand you, but... do not let it consume you, this is what he has chosen, he's ceased to be the man you married. You already know they sleep together, there is no need to "trick" him into admitting it, he is with her, by trying to trap him into saying it you come out as a hounding desperate woman, keep your dignity honey, I know you hurt, but realize you are not achieving anything positive.

And the thing about dropping/picking kids is getting too dramatic, the kids are the ones suffering seeing your/his reaction/actions, please stick to a way in which it is acceptable to both of you, hopefully reducing the amount of chances of seeing her.
About his bday, babe, sounds like he'd feel awkward celebrating it w/you, drop it, don't let it be yet another awkward sitch for you/kids.

I said I didn't like this GF doing things to D8.

what do you mean?

Kept saying I could move out and he would move in and take care of things.

yea right, how nice of him. Do consult a L pronto, just in case, I know it's the last thing you want to do, but for goodness sake, do it, you dont' need to retain one, just go in with the facts (how much $ you/him make, assets, 401k, value of house etc) and learn your rights and what you should ask for that is reasonable.

I know this is hard, but please, for you and the kids' sake, know that you will be ok, know that no matter what happens you can and will have a good happy life. My prayers your way)))

[HSSweetheart]

If I could wave a magic wand, my life's dream, I would return back my husband. The man I married, not this current incantation of him. How would I act differently - I would do as I did when he returned to me 3 yrs ago, I would worship the ground he walked on, rarely arguing. I gave him back/foot/scalp massages every day and I waited on him. I never said no or I am too tired to be intimate. I spent most nights with him watching something or going out. I allowed him time on the weekends to go out with friends like he wanted so that he would be happy. I openly communicated and told him my feelings. I'm not saying I was perfect in any way, but I tried to be the best me I could be for him. I was his 1950's wife except that I worked. I kept a good house for him. Apparently he didn't want me though. I don't think there is a hope, he has told me this repeatedly that he doesn't love me, it is over, move on, etc etc etc. He said even if it was the worst move of his life he wouldn't take it back. Says I am bitter and that I am a control freak. Says I controlled his life for 25 yrs he wants to do it himself now. Paying bills and buying clothes for the first time in his adult life and says he likes it. I never didn't allow him to do these things, he would never do them. Now he is forced to. Forcing him is usually the only way he would do something.
Right now I am going into financial mode, going to go through my finances and everything in the house to see what I can sell to pay my taxes and I have to replace my oil tank soon as I will be out of oil and it leaks. That means no heat or hot water shortly, and I cannot afford it nor will anyone give me a loan with his name on the deed. I am really screwed and don't want to sell for my sake or the kids who remind me daily they don't want to move.

[JCJ]

Wow, I know you may not be able to see it but I actually see a lot of positives, he has told you what what the problems are. Why don't you make that paragraph into a list and then write how you can do something differently. I really think that will give you a great starting point. I'd be really interested to see them posted but understand if you don't want to.

Honestly I am not just being positive for the sake of it. I really see potential in your situation, if I didn't I just wouldn't say anything.

[HSSweetheart]

Hi cat. Long time, huh? Thanks for not just blasting me. That is why I was afraid to come back to the site, it was getting too painful.

When I took the anti's H constantly talked about them. It was a big deal for him that I am a depressed person. Just the other day he brought it up again and again I had to explain that in our marriage I did not have problems with it until this stuff. He used to say he could tell when I was on it. Says I blame everyone else. No, I take part in this, believe me. But I feel I tried and he didn't. But that argument goes on forever. So I went off over a year ago, I forget even when, to see if he would notice and he never mentioned it. I never felt any difference myself. I had agreed to stay on as a condition of him returning. He broke his promise.

About her? My D8 keeps coming home where GF has put makeup on her the night before, done her hair, painted her hair, given her presents, etc. It really bothers me that she is doing things I find sacred to me. I know, get over it. I sit here crying and depressed and destitute and they are over there doing their hair! Yes, I know. I bought hair color spray and she and I did hair, nails, toenails yesterday. Even sprayed my hair blue. Yes, Mom can be fun too.

I am going to try to make other arrangements on my nights so that the kids stay here and I don't have to go into that scene to pick them up. I don't want to see her.

I cannot help this obsession.

I did see several lawyers for consultations. He said papers are coming, just sign them and avoid costs of lawyers. Wants everything 50/50. Kids, house, 401K. I said his '68 charger too and he is arguing that it is his. Bought and paid for while married, I'd say joint. So do I fight him? He is willing to let me wait until our current mortgage is almost done to remortgage and pay him what I owe him from the house so he is sorta being reasonable so at times I don't want to rock the boat cause I want to live here. I just don't know anymore.....

[cat03]

hon, I'm sorry you left the board for a while because you were feeling umconfortable, but the truth is, there are stages in this hellish sitch in which we are just not able to understand or ready to hear what we must hear. When stbx just left in 05 I was in a support group and they kept telling me to let go, to detach and be myself.. inside I was just desperate and thinking "none of you understand! I can't live without him!" it took me a few months to really understand and to start to let go, don't feel bad about that HS)))))))

About the anti-D and what he thought about it, you and I know that the WAHs will use anything to excuse their behavior (you are too fat/thin/controlling/weak) If you don't see any improvements on anti-D then get it readjusted, not stay off them just because of him, this is about your health and how it will affect your life and the kids'. Make yourself a priority.

[quote] I was his 1950's wife except that I worked. I kept a good house for him. Apparently he didn't want me though.[quote]
I did the same when stbx came back in 06, I gave him my all ... the problem was, I gave so much and he gave so little, that's the problem with being with a selfish person hon, in a R you have to give and take, out H's are narcissist selfish people who only took from us and didn't give our M an honest chance to work.

Guess gf is trying to "buy" her affection and giving her extra time, no honest woman would stay with a still-M man without feeling guilty, so this is her way of "making it up" to d8. I know it bothers you hon, but it could be the other way, she could be cruel and mean to d8, that would really tear your heart. Don't try too hard either to out do her, do what you normally do with d8 and dont' ask her questions about what they did, my s9 caught me on that one time (I was asking d5 what they did that day) he was offended that I was nosing around in his dad's affairs (and s9 is more attached to me!). So please be very careful, kids are much smarter and aware than we think, they take in so much without us noticing.

It is very very hard to deal with the obsession, how many times I fought with stbx when he was with me about some things and asked all sort of things, or snooped after things went down hill? please try hard to control your thoughts, one thing that helped me was to understand that I didn't "own" H, that he was free to have his own life, that I was so much worth than just sitting there brooding about him, thinking about him/ow when they didnt' give more than a minute of their time thinking of me.
How much power you are giving her, him, over YOUR emotional well being? think of that hon, you are a wonderful woman who deserves much more than that.

About the legal stuff, what did the Ls said? is 50/50 fair taking in account how much you/him make? Don't give away ANYthing, there is no reason why he can claim the car as only his since it was bought when you two were married, it is unreasonable that he just put "dibs" on the car, BS, check with the L, unless he's giving up something else don't give it up. Stbx took the motorcycle he bought with our money as interest on the rest of $ I owe him for the house (I refinanced and gave him most of his share.)

Don't sign ANYthing until a L sees it, please trust me on this, I went through a legal separation a few months ago and things always come up, be very careful what you agree on.

His "just sign" statement smells like a rat, don't, ask for what you deserve by law.