Thx Mike! I can't tell you and everyone else how appreciative I am.
I will post more tomorrow morning when I get to work but wanted to get a few things logged before I get too tired.
W came home after work and we all ate dinner together. I also made sure to pick up her favorite that she hasn't had in a while. She noticed and was thankful for me thinking of that.
After dinner we all took a ride to see where she'll be living. Not a bad part of town but and only 10 minutes away.
We got home and she started the bath water and was going to give the kids a bath. She got distracted by txts and calls and went outside to talk. After about 15 minutes of waiting I just have the kids a bath.
After kids went down and some chores, we talked about getting the kids used to her place during August and I am okay with the plan. Not my preference but okay.
The big thing was...it's 4d's birthday on Thursday, she turns 4...and my W forgot to buy a gift. WTF?
Luckily I am prepared and she gifts already bought. I have a friend making a cake as my W said she would and it looks as if that won't happen and I have bought all of the hello kitty party stuff since that is what d wants. Insane. DBing...don't worry about it, things have been hectic but I have things under control. W was appreciative.
Business end of it well...am I up to 18k god yet with my notes. This is so crazy I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad for her.
All in all though good communication between us tonight and we have another talk tomorrow to discuss shared parenting and what the state guidelined recommend for the ages of our kids. Non custodial if we agree is around 40 to 45 percent...and of course she wants to be the primary physical custodian. We'll see.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
It's a foggy day here in town. Hopefully it's not a sign of how my W wil be acting today, LOL!
I just posted this saying on Jandn's thread. It's been on my whiteboard in my office for over a year and it wasn't until week 2 of my sitch with W that it finally clicked that I can apply it to the sitch.
"THERE ARE NO CHALLENGES ONLY OPPORTUNITIES FOR SOLUTIONS"
SO, late last night I posted some tidbits from yesterday evening. All in all it wasn't a bad evening. Could have been better and could have been a lot worse. We had pizza for dinner and I had picked up the chicken artichoke pizza that W really likes. She was appreciative of my thoughtfulness. Conversation was good throughout the evening although there was constant interruption via txt and phone from her friend although I think it was OW.
Speaking of friends and OW...a friend of mine (family friend and coworker - her husband is a buddy of mine) is having to go from dept to dept at work and sit with folks to somewhat learn the process/audit to be able to apply the information to their job. Well, as luck will have it, my friend (who is fully aware of sitch) and her boss have a side-by-side with OW next week. LOL! OW is scared. My friend is scared. I can't wait to hear the details of that day, LOL! I told my friend to just act as if.
The big discussion last night was about transitioning the kids into what will become our shared parenting lifestyle. I finally got the W to understand that my thoughts on this are not what I want but are truly focused on how not to screw up the kids. We need to smoothly transition the kids into this lifestyle and it will take a month or longer. So, the plan is they will stay with her this Saturday and she'll have them home Sunday 9am. Then next week, she'll pick them up from daycare midweek and keep them for a few days. The following week she's in denver and she'll have them the night of 8/14 (heck, the hearing that's day, too funny). I'll get them 8/15 and me and the kids leave 8/16 for OBX. We return late on 8/25 and they'll stay with me 8/26 and she'll have them for a few days thereafter.
Not what I want. I don't want the kids to leave but I would rather have something that we both are comfortable with and agree to then her getting flustered and doing something stupid. After all, in the end, there will be some type of shared arrangement and would rather the kids not have the crap shocked out of them.
I still can't believe that she did not get my daughter a birthday gift. She has been so focused on other things, and now getting out of the house that she forgot something like that. Amazing.
So this morning went pretty well. We both slept in a tad but I got up before her, got my 4d ready and took a shower. By the time I got out, she had the chicken in the crockpot, and my son up. I got the kids to eat their breakfast and finished getting them ready. She had put the trash out in the garage and as I was loading the car up, I put the bag in the can and noticed an empty wine bottle. Must have been one from Saturday night that I didn't notice. Another note.
Tonight we get to talk about the shared parenting stuff. I posted some of the guidelines last night. It's unfortunate that her L is being stubborn and will push this to the hearing, as it is their usual tactic. However, I should be signing my counterclaim today or tomorrow which will basically say that I have been the primary custodian and care provider and we have proof. That should bring them to the table quickly I hope.
Some positive signs last night: there was a casual touch by her which was odd (I wasn't expecting it) and many appreciative statements from her to me. She didn't get angry when she came inside after talking with friend/OW and learned I gave the kids a bath.
Well, 2 more nights with W in the house. Going to read some threads tonight to get some ideas about DB'ing when W isn't around. I do feel that with her absence, communication will decrease obviously and the result of that will be a decrease in any anxiety I get since the anxiety is usually a result of some of the talks.
I also need to figure out how to explain to the kids Friday evening why the couch, chairs and tv are missing from the upstairs living room, and the kitchen table is missing. Should be fun. Going to have some friends come over Friday after W leaves to help set up the antique table I have in the kitchen (matches the china cabinet and buffet that is already up - inherited, no touchy W). I won't move any of the living room furniture from the downstairs family room upstairs as I will probably just purchase some new stuff in the coming weeks.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Sounds like you know how to handle things although you dont like facing them and you are doing a pretty DAM good job at it. Does W seem to be feeling guilty about all of this? Seems W is a little confused as to what she really wants, but feels she has to carry on on what she has enivisioned of the better life.
It seems to me these WAs feel that the only way to better is to leave and they have so much energy invested of taking the steps to move out and carry on and money invested that there is no turning back no matter what, regrets or not.
my stories
M-31 W-28 S7 D2.5 T 8, M 4 W filed 2-14-08 D on hold 3/08 D off hold 5/08 D to be final on/by Nov 08 Anniv 9-4 looked hopeful
You sound very even at the moment. Your taking care of the businees at hand and it appears things are in a very good place for you. Take care of those kids as it seems your W has WA from them also.
Sounds like you know how to handle things although you dont like facing them and you are doing a pretty DAM good job at it. Does W seem to be feeling guilty about all of this? Seems W is a little confused as to what she really wants, but feels she has to carry on on what she has enivisioned of the better life.
I feel like I have a handle on the business end but not so much on the DB end as the sitch has moved too fast and she hasn't been around that much. My GAL and improving myself with the changs have been noticed which is nice and she senses there is a bit of permanance with them (she said that she knows that when I decide to do something I do it.) But, afterall, DB is about improving us and if the W comes around, so be it,right?
Does W seem guilty? I think so but she puts those feelings aside, covers them up by hanging with her friends/OW and keeping focused on getting out. I think W is confused and she even said that she is looking forward to the time alone to think things through and deal with her issues. Now, it will be a very humbling experience for my W to admit this was a mistake and that we should work to heal the M either before the D is finalized or even afterwards. She's not the type to admit she made a mistake.
Originally Posted By: jandn
It seems to me these WAs feel that the only way to better is to leave and they have so much energy invested of taking the steps to move out and carry on and money invested that there is no turning back no matter what, regrets or not.
That's what I feel is going on with my W.
Well, just heard from L. Need to go review and sign my counterclaim. Game on this afternoon. Yippee!
I'll post more in a bit.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
You sound very even at the moment. Your taking care of the businees at hand and it appears things are in a very good place for you. Take care of those kids as it seems your W has WA from them also.
Very, very good. I'm impressed.
Thanks Mike. The conversation last night resulted in no anxiety on my part which has helped today. Business end is moving along nicely and trying to keep the stuff at home running as smooth and non-confrontational as possible. I am getting better at detaching from her and keeping the business end separated from what is happening at home.
I also realized late last night that my anxiety is also being driven by the fear of how my W might be devestated if things go to the hearing and is confronted with everything. This is based on me being kind of worried that her L might delay and force the issue at the hearing and run my W into something that is not in her favor but that is their choice not mine. I just want this to be as non-confrontational and smooth as possible so there are no hard or hurt feelings. But like DR says, I can ony control what is mine. Now that I know this, it will be easier to deal with.
Well, off to pick up birthday treats for 4Ds daycare class tomorrow and sign some docs. I'll post a tad more when I get back.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Man, you are doing a good job. I hope your W starts to realize what she is giving up and "decides" to want you back.
Originally Posted By: jandn
It seems to me these WAs feel that the only way to better is to leave and they have so much energy invested of taking the steps to move out and carry on and money invested that there is no turning back no matter what, regrets or not.
I can't believe how much the above statement relates to my sitch. I wonder if she ever has any regrets. I would honestly stay in a loveless marriage for my kids; but at the same time I believe I could change a loveless marriage into a loving one. I think you can do the same Chris! Stay after it and fight the good fight. In the end, we just need to know we gave it our ALL!
Excellent job on the DB'ing. Realize that YOU got the Birthday all setup without your wife's intervention. Getting stronger and moving on...love it. Been there and done it also.
Lawyer stuff-Definitely listen to Forrest and the other pros. I agree that the lawyers have nobody's best interest in mind other than their wallets. A suggestion to be passed by the pro's-Maybe it is a good time to discuss with your wife that once it goes to court neither of you are really controlling the show anymore and what happens is being driven by your lawyers in the eyes of the law. It is the cold truth of the fact that neither you or your wives wishes will probably come to fruition once it goes to court and things will get nasty..but it is the business of lawyers to do it that way.
The Wife-You are doing excellent and great break through on the chat the other night. I am sorry that you don't have more time, but the future is still possible. The small things are going to make all the difference. Getting the pizza she liked is huge. You heard her say she liked a certain type of pizza and delivered it without her asking. You went totally against your normal behavior...in her eyes...and did great. It is the small hand touch, the pizza, the little things which you had stopped doing prior to this that will really make her reopen her eyes. You are battling on a new emotional level for you and starting to get it...and realize the best defense against manipulative emotional tactics is true emotional tactics. Don't play the OW's game..just understand how /that it is getting played.
Hey LFW, Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
Excellent job on the DB'ing. Realize that YOU got the Birthday all setup without your wife's intervention. Getting stronger and moving on...love it. Been there and done it also.
And it was fun doing this to ensure my daughters happiness or her birthday
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
Lawyer stuff-Definitely listen to Forrest and the other pros. I agree that the lawyers have nobody's best interest in mind other than their wallets. A suggestion to be passed by the pro's-Maybe it is a good time to discuss with your wife that once it goes to court neither of you are really controlling the show anymore and what happens is being driven by your lawyers in the eyes of the law. It is the cold truth of the fact that neither you or your wives wishes will probably come to fruition once it goes to court and things will get nasty..but it is the business of lawyers to do it that way..
I agree with your statement about lawyers as well. I have already mentioned to her that it is our best interest to work this out and it's in the lawyers best interest to fight it out. She wasn't in a good mood I guess as she felt I was being manipulative. Last night went very well. Tonight should go well too and will bring it up again. The problem is she has no idea what the legal process entails and probably doesn't trust me much right now, since I'm the adversary
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
The Wife-You are doing excellent and great break through on the chat the other night. I am sorry that you don't have more time, but the future is still possible. The small things are going to make all the difference. Getting the pizza she liked is huge. You heard her say she liked a certain type of pizza and delivered it without her asking. You went totally against your normal behavior...in her eyes...and did great. It is the small hand touch, the pizza, the little things which you had stopped doing prior to this that will really make her reopen her eyes. You are battling on a new emotional level for you and starting to get it...and realize the best defense against manipulative emotional tactics is true emotional tactics. Don't play the OW's game..just understand how /that it is getting played.
Thanks! These have been the first few talks in a long time (actually in a week or so but felt like a long time) and did my best DB'ing to date. And you are right, this is on a new level for me. Just wish I had a little more time.
I gotta go pick up the kiddies at daycare. I'll pop back on later tonight and write a little more. Busy day at the office for the first time this week.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I was thinking about you on the way to the store after I posted. The other experts may offer some light, but I have what some could say is an odd feeling about your stitch. I feel it is safe to assume that the OW has at least some impact on your situation, but there has been no confirmed affairs either P or E. Let's assume, because I feel safe in this one, that there is a EA going on. What I find confusing is your stich's time line. It seems to be going awfully fast from what I have read on this board and witnessed in real life. It seems to me that even in instances were both parties want out, that divorces take around six months to process and get everything done to the point to actually go in front of the judge. In your stich it is more like two months and that seems incredibly fast. Now it may be not the long because I am only basing my opinion on what I have seen, but I have a theory. Could your wife actually be sustaining from a PA because she is married (or the OW)? It sounds crazy, but could that really be what is driving the speediness of this? I would like some other opinions to help LS with this crazy notion.
Remember that even though your stich is different from regular DB, you will see the slight cracks that allow sunshine in. That is how it is all going to begin, because there is still a lot of work to be completed. I started out with a small talk like yours with the same outcome every two or three weeks. Then they became every other week, then once a week, then every other day (of course by this point the "we will never get back together again" talk had disappeared. You don't have that luxury since the legal proceedings are going so fast, but just focus on the end goal.
There is one other idea you will be faced with more than likely if your marriage is saved. It really isn't DB material, but it will come up. I suggest searching the net with a search term combining "Pandora's Box" and bisexuality. If you find something, which I think you will, you will understand.
