Thanks mark and puppy for getting me this far and making me face the music and take action. Wish me luck at least
ok Buster, I am going to apologize for cutting out so quickly on you. It was cold. I am NOT going to write pages of advice to you anymore if you are just giong to act impulsively and sabotage it.
When we spent hours and hours on here offering you advice and you act on that, it motivates us, gives us confidence to continue helping you. When you all of a sudden decide by your actions to say "[censored] that advice" and just act on IMPULSE you are doing the SAME THING TO US as your WIFE does TO YOU.
Like you, we put a lot of work into this forum, like you, we are engendering trust and hope. Like you, we begin to feel hope and like you we want to see something successful come of that. When you BETRAY THAT and act on IMPULSE and SABOTAGE that work we have done you basically tell us we are worthless...just like your WIFE does TO YOU.
If you want to work, work with us. If you don't agree with our advice, then say that. But to go behind our back and ACT without even talking to us first and then AFTERWARDS come to us for HELP, just like your wife is doing. She built your hopes up for years, trust build up. Then she acted on impulse, went behind your back to sabotage everything you built together and THEN has the nerve to show up in court asking for support.
We are not saying do as we tell you to, in some cases we won't even give you outright advice becasue we can't. But PDT and myself cannot and will not work with people who sabotage their own efforts and ours on impulse. This is the policy we ask from our spouses and we accept no less from you.
OUR ADVICE. We have told you outright to act in a way that demonstrates PROTEST of her affair
YOUR ACT. You meet up with the OM and shake his hand.
I for one would not believe a word he says or any remose he visibly shows to you. It is remotely possible that having the POLICE show up in your home and HE is in bed with your WIFE MAY have actually awoken some conscience in him. Its possible.
But, from my experience, my reading, his age and his history of bheaviour so far, he's just playing you. Why on earth would anyone give up sex with your wife to make YOU happier?
He's sitting in YOUR bed sleeping with YOUR wife, you shake his hand, to my mind you just signed off on him continuing. Next time you surprise him and your wife in your bed in your home - take a camera and USE IT.
I am not gonig to tell you what to do beyond this point, but it is important that you understand why PDT and I are withdrawing our support.
pastor said to talk to the lawyer, and get that guy barred from our house and/or move in. But he did say to try and talk this guy out of going there again, but I know how you guys feel about that :-)
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I understand coMpletely what i've done to you guys. You didn't need to help and you have. I could say it's hard to follow through with your solutions but I was a wuss for a long time. I didn't think, like all of you, that this could happen to me but it did. The reason I didn't do things you've suggested was because I was afraid. I thought I could talk some sense into him because he was weak minded but I am too. I come so far and I get a glimmer of hope and act on impulse and sabotage myself. Truly sorry and if you guys just want to sit back and watch me ramble and dig myself deeper then I deserve it. But I'm detaching and getting the OM the hell away from property and my son no matter what it tAkes. God bless you guys and I'm sorry for pissing on all your hard work lately. I've been a weak impulsive whiner
Last edited by buster80; 07/30/0803:33 PM.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
If you think hard and long Buster, there may be something inside her that wants to see you have him barred from your home to protect your son. taking over your home again and protecting your son may very well be to her an attractive quality.
It really is a dice throw what is going to wake her up, but the point is you need to be doing these things for you and your son, not because you want her back.
Get to a point where you are proud of you, and once you have done that then she may start to turnaround. Will you be PROUDER of the guy who gets legal advice, has OM banned from his home, and moves back into his own home to show his wife he's not a doormat? Do you like that guy MORE or less than the guy who just lives with his parents while his wife does in your home what she's been doing?
My guess is you wnat your son to be proud of you, ask yourself what your son would be prouder of you doing at this point? What is the example you want to set for your son here? If your son gets married one day and goes through this, would you tell him to shake that guy's hand or have him banned from your home? Think it through. You really have to get to a point where you like YOU, your wife isn't going to take someone back that YOU don't like.
If you sit back and imagine yourself watching your whole story I would imagine you like yourself a lot more than other times.
Did you like that guy who stopped to talk to the OM like an old friend and ended up shaking his hand. Did you LIKE hte guy that did that? Or did you think maybe he was not showing the OM much to be proud of there. I can't imagine the OM thinks much of you at this point...sorry to be honest.
if you want to add humanity to a meeting, you really need to bring the OM to your home while YOu and your SON are there...litter the house with family photos of you and your wife...ask him to stare at each and every one..then ask him to look your son in the eye and tell your son what he's doing.
My guess he won't do that, he doens't have the guts to do that any more than he does have the gust to leave your wife without a push.
You are on the road Buster, none of us here think you haven't been through something awful. We have been there ourselves, we know full well how you feel, that's a large part of why we are here. Sometimes you have to follow your gut, and checking up on your wife was likeley a good call. That wasn't part of the plan, but it did show your wife you weren't a doormat.
DBing is a hard line to walk. On the one hand you must show your wife you are human and compassionate, but on the other, you must show her you won't tolerate being used. Its a very thin line between those two points. We have all stumbled a time or two.
I am wondering if you can get the OM to walk to the Pastor, if he's a churchgoing person at all maybe, I dunno. At this point it is looking like you may get more cooperation from him than her, but who knows...he is very likley playing you.
I really don't know if I would even admit to anyone you two met. He is likley going to make a point of it, but I would deny it if you could. It just sends the opposite message.
Chin up Buster, you aren't a whiner, you are just a human going through something terribly painful and making the best of it as we all are.
You will have to learn to fight those impulses. You likely feel anxiety, nervousness, insomnia, nightmares, etc. Your emotions during an affair get to a state where they are spiking, you can feel the difference in you and its not pleasant. Its a very intense feeling like a rollercoaster...but it doesn't end after a few minutes, it keeps going and going.
The thing is Buster, your WIFE is going through the same thing, she's acting on impulse and letting others make her choices for her too, she's weak and vulnerable and sad, just like you. Only she's letting anger drive her too. The OM right now is likley looking at both of you thinking you both are scatterbrained impulsive children. The OM is the one with the clear head right now, the OM is the designated driver.
DBing is a way to fight those impulses, it gives you goals and purpose. DBing will get you OUT of that intense state you are in like your wife is in, but you really need to work at the dbing.
Don't just act out. Ask yourself, is this the mature thing to do, is this something I would respect someone else doing? Is this something an adult does? What message am I sending when I do this?
Maybe meeting up with him wasn't a bad idea, its remotely possible you awoke some conscience in him when he met you face to face outside of your home. That CAN happen, but I honestly doubt it.
Chin up Buster, your track record is pretty good really. You LEARNED everything quite quickly, and you are a kind person, so you learned to put away a lot of your anger. You ARE having trouble applying the tough end of this. DBing doens't mean being a doormat, I hope you can see that in the books. Relationship Rescue is good for that. McGraw makes a lot of hooplaw about people not allowing others to do things to them, and he pushes you to speak up for yourself.
Sometimes you have to be tough, Michele doens't say that, but I think she would reccomend you start looking into some 180's here.
Your wife isn't expecting you to talk to a lawyer or take over your home likley, so this may just stir something up in her.
You are not talking to her right now, that may be best since you said she looks forward to that. Its often hard to know how to play each move here. You will have to gauge where she's at.
But your son and you two as a family are the most important piece here. At the moment, she clearly does not deserve you or your son. It may be time to show her that you and your son are prepared to live life away from her until she's matured and worth a family again.
thanks for the lengthy response Mark; more descriptive the better. sometimes i need things spelled out. OM hasn't been to my house since the altercation the other night. He is considering what I said the other day about him being a predator, he wouldn't want it done to him, its our marital bed he is poisoning, and if if he likes my son so much to stop doing this to him. I made it a point to tell him I DO NOT approve of him going near my house, let alone my wife or son. "I will think about it" is all I got. FWIW, he admitted he's the bad guy. Meanwhile, I did not talk to my wife AT ALL yesterday. she called and texted several times, but I did not answer. On a health related note, I slept from noon to 11pm. (yawwwwwwwwn).
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
mark my best friend at work (whose name is also Mark:) ) gave me his brother's phone number. his brother has a towing service and said anytime i see that vehicle there, he will come tow it. good idea/bad idea ? also received Relationship Rescue in the mail today. didn't get a chance to get mail til I woke up. starting it tomorrow.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
