Ok guys sorry about jumping straight in with no background Here's the summary:
M has been on autopilot for a long time. Neither of us satisfied. H has blown up and stormed out of house not to return til morning a couple of times.
H moved out April 03. Comes by 3 times a week to see kids. OW involved. Apart from asking him who she was when her number appeared about 50 times on his cellphone bill with calls late at night I have not mentioned her since. I know that the kids met her (their ages are almost 4 and 20 months) and this outraged me but I said nothing. I have been nothing but happy, cheerful, complimentary etc since reading DR and if I backslide I pick up phone and make out some way to apologise. Sometimes it seems to be working and he is friendly and even complimentary to me.
June 03 after DB'ing like crazy I manage to get him to dump OW and come on holiday with us. He seems very much recommitted to our M and has been saying lots of ILYs. Keeps saying he will regret doing this to me for the rest of his life. I say Water under the Bridge lets look forward not back.
OK here are my issues with H (then I'll give you his with me) He is passive aggressive He appears depressed He drinks too much (a bottle and half of wine a night or equivalent) Also I find him boring
He finds me Controlling Critical Too absorbed with kids not enough attention to him
Well since DBing I have been working hard on my stuff. I no longer tell him how to drive, cook, pick his nose etc. I never criticise. I trust him to get things right. Even if he starts to blame himself I just say Oh well I'm sure it'll be Ok.
I ignore the kids for that important stepping over the threshold moment for him. And other times too.
He hasn't read DB and I don't know whether to broach it yet. He seems to have cheered up and not be so depressed in fact a friend mentioned how happy he looks so maybe my diagnosis was off a little there and he was just in an unhappy M. The passive agressive and the alcohol are still the same though.
While on holiday I couldn't help myself from comparing him to other women's H's and thinking how come I ended up with him?
Sorry I am rambling a bit. I think what it boils down to is that I feel I have had issues with our M for a long time just as he has. He was the one to let out the big yelp and run away, but it just as easily could have been me. I DB'd and now he is back and happy but I still feel like I have done all along that I am holding back and not telling it like it is to him.
He reacts very badly to any form of minor criticism, always has done even in the honeymoon period I could not tease him or say anything even slightly off about him without him getting hugely upset. I often say things which I don't regard as critical or upsetting in anyway and he will take it that way. As a result I have repressed it all and tried not to say anything hurtful, but of course it all comes out anyway.
When do we get to the part where we can start opening up and we can BOTH be working on ourselves? In DR it says - ask for what you want - but I am scared to.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
