Piecing Friends, The sleeping elsewhere has increased lately (2x in past week). I haven't spent an evening with my W since Friday night. I sleep in the guest room when she's out.
The only connection I have lately is her emails and a phone call on Monday putting together our dance plans for the next two months.
At this time the dance partnership seems to be developing ahead of other aspects of our M. There's a saying that "wherever you are is the entry point." Dancing seems to be my entry point at this time into the R.
Whenever the sleeping elsewhere increases, I start having D escape fantasies.
I'll keep using the time when I'm alone to read and practice writing poetry.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Browsing through your posts, since 2003 it appears that your passive unquestioning focus on something else, yoga , pillates, dancing , poetry, career, her smoking,etc. when she is sleeping with someone is not working.
Though you have many problems in your marriage, since the beginning she has been voicing and acting out that she needs more sex and you always seem to find another obscure area to focus on as the root of the problem. While sex may not have solved your issues, her frustration may have been culled enough to focus on other areas. When you want sex that's all you can focus on.
Tmite, I'm well aware of the verbal and physical intimacy issues in the M. My efforts at a dance and financial partnership are to create a foundation for intimacy to occur.
It's difficult to feel sexual towards my W when there has been great distance in the M until recently. It's difficult to feel sexual towards my W when the sleeping elsewhere continues. Even so, the feelings wax and wane.
I don't think we can just leap into intimacy and sexuality. That's why they call this Piecing. We have to be in a position to partner on the sexual issue as well.
We have to reinvent the M. I think our budding dance partnership holds great promise.
Since you say that I'm being passive, I will consider your comments. It's interesting that you raise the passivity issue at this time. I just finished a poem on habits (see my signature line), and have been thinking about making choices versus habits.
I see myself breaking old patterns (internal and external) all the time. I deserve more credit than your giving here. As I said, I will pay attention to if I'm falling into old passive or passive-aggressive patterns.
I will try to counter my feelings of frustration and disappointment and continue to sleep with my W when she sleeps at home. Asking me to feel close and sexual towards her also, is too much to ask.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 07/30/0804:46 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think your wife also wants you to make a fuss over her and make her feel special (romance her). I think you've generated some momentum here grasp the moment keep it going.
After reading your last few post it seems like you are letting W slip through your grasp.
I think W sleeping elsewhere recently is proof that if you don't take control in the intermacy department W will allow someone else to.
If I may be so blunt with a big 4x2 if you don't [censored] your W she will allow some one else to. She is a woman with needs.
So don't wait and wait for the perfect intermacy senario to occur you work on it and create it.
Lanzo, Having sex is such a big leap for a couple that has no physical intimacy.
Sleeping elsewhere indicates to me that she doesn't want intimacy with me. She just wants a roof over her head, and money to take dance classes, and vacations. She wants me as a dance partner so she could have a social life.
I don't see how I could have sex under the circumstances. I'm supposed to hurry-up and have sex because the clock is ticking?
She sleeps apart from me when we sleep in the same bed. There is no physical intimacy in public. She hides that we're married.
This is hardly a catalyst for me wanting to pursue intimacy in the M.
I'm working at managing the difficult emotions just to stay her dance partner and friend. Maybe procrastinating with intimacy is my way of managing the difficult emotions.
The pressure that I'm feeling lately will either mobilize or paralyze me.
I'm not looking for a perfect scenario, just a sign to move forward. CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She just wants a roof over her head, and money to take dance classes, and vacations. She wants me as a dance partner so she could have a social life.
Just my observation but I think this where your R with W is heading unless somthing changes.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
She sleeps apart from me when we sleep in the same bed.
I hadn't relised this part, do you make any advances just to cuddle ?
I mean your W sleeps elsewhere and I presume finds physical intermacy, if that is not available at home then of course she will look elsewhere.
I am not sure how you can find and offer W an alternative that will bring her closer to you but I can see that your procrastination is making her seek alternative solutions.
You are assuming, it seems to me that she is being intamate with someone else. You do not have proof do you? If there is no proof maybe she is staying with a friend because she does not feel wanted by you and needs the space. Maybe she sleeps on the other side of the bed bacause she feels rejected but, won't say anything.
The road can go both ways. I think you both need to say just what you feel. With out a discussion and speaking honestly about this I don't see how you can move forward. Believe me youv'e read my post and have seen what no communication does to a M and you, yourself have told me this.(which I very much appreciate.)
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I am not sure how you can find and offer W an alternative that will bring her closer to you but I can see that your procrastination is making her seek alternative solutions.
anyway just somthing for you to think about.
Lanzo
Lan, This isn't a time to be losing my head, or overcome by fear. There are positives in my situation, and I think increasing potential for intimacy.
I think the developing dance partnership has huge potential. This is not a casual relationship. She is invested in our development as dance partners.
She sees me in a different light on the dance floor. Last night, while practicing, she commented that my arms were getting muscular. I'm not lifting weights, or doing anything different with my exercise routine, but she is looking at me different these days due to the dancing.
Dancing cultivates the very qualities that have been lacking--confidence, connection, leadership, communication, play. This is therapy for me, and preparation in my opinion for intimacy in the R.
What I'm taking from your posts is that I need to look for opportunities to move things forward. I think it's going to be in the form of compliments about her appearance or spending quiet time with her, watching a program or movie.
She had her new couch delivered yesterday, and rearranged the entertainment room to be more hospitable. The couch is now in front of the large-screen television. Before, she would sit at her computer, while I sat on the couch. This will offer an opportunity to sit together.
I'm looking for signs from her. I keep thinking of the guy in the movie theater, looking for the right time to put his arm around his date. Does she want him to advance or not? If only she would give him a sign. Is he missing any signs?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I agree that there is no proof regarding physical intimacy elsewhere. Some who post on my thread are convinced of it (smoking gun theory).
Until she and I have a discussion about it, I will never understand the dynamics of what's going on with her sleeping elsewhere. How much is it her issues, and how much relational? I don't know.
I therefore will put my energy into what I have influence over--developing the dance partnership, cultivating my own happiness, managing my own emotions, cultivating poetry as an interest.
I can only go on what she communicates to me. She clearly wants to dance with me. If she wants intimacy, I can't tell. I need a sign.
One gets the sense though that there is desire lurking beneath the surface on both parties. If this is true, then it will reveal itself in subtle ways. I have to be vigilant and opportunistic. This is like dating all over again.
I'll look for opportunities to cultivate intimacy outside the dance R--watching movies, complimenting her appearance.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
