Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

You're the best JenJam! If you could post the links to your threads, I would really appreciate it! I'm still in between trying to assume the worst outcome(so I don't get my hopes up), and looking at success stories like yours and being optimistic...

You're right--it feels like the heart has been ripped out. I literally feel like throwing up or crying every minute. I like the idea of plans and spreadsheets. Again, seems like we might be quite similar there...

Thank you as always!

ITH

[LolaL]

Hi LolaL,

How do you deal with the weekends? This is the biggest hurdle for me I think, and I just really can't imagine a weekend without H to come home to. Did you stay indoors through the weekends too?

ITH

I did at first. I didn't want to leave my bedroom. I came home, plopped down on my bed, and only got up to cook.

I have a D12, so thats not real convenient sometimes. It was hard, but I made myself get up. I took a shower, put on clothes, did my hair, did my make up. Went for walks. Found a church I liked, and had a lot of good friends who saw how devasatated I was. One in particular, my BFF Rose, started dragging me out of the house every weekend, even if it was just to her house. That way I wasn't alone.

Friends are imperative during this time. Make plans, and then make yourself go.

(((ITH))) in answer to your name, yes, there is hope.

[istherehope]

Thank you LolaL, especially for that last bit, "yes, there is hope".

Happy thoughts to you.

[Jen_Jam]

OK, you asked for it (hope you don't regret it!!!)

Link here and contains links to the previous 2 threads

just about the whole story

And Lola is right - there IS hope. No guarantee, but to be completely honest, there are some on these boards who would bite your arm off if you offered them your sitch instead of theirs.

[One Day]

Hi ITH,

Just stopping in to see how you're doing and say Hi. Hope yur day's been OK,

L.

[istherehope]

Thank you OD!

Well I'm still feeling ridiculously lonely and pessimistic. I just have it in my head that things aren't going to work out. It's as if I just have a gut feeling about the next few months when we'll be apart. I can already see the point where I come back, and he can't cope with it...

Anyway, I guess right now I'm torn between trying to be optimistic, and thinking I should prepare for the worst. I believe that in another week's time, I might be better. I just need to have some idea of when I can leave for work--this is still being decided this week. Once I have firm plans of my own, I may feel more secure. Right now in my corporate housing I feel like a nomad...

I hope you are doing well. At some point I hope to be strong enough to start posting on other people's threads. Once I get some insight of my own that is!

[istherehope]

OK I wanted to get advice on the following re. my 3 month planned separation. I know H thinks I am controlling, and I probably am (though honestly with best intentions!), so I am trying really hard not to seem as though I am making all the decisions and pressuring him to do things during this time. However, I am not someone who can easily just "go with the flow". I've put together a 3 month calendar with the times that I will be away for work, the weekends I will be back, and the end date on which I will come back. I really need this structure so that it doesn't seem like a never-ending black hole. Without it I think I would have an even harder time coping than I am now. I think this ending date is the tricky part as I know that on this end date he will want to re-evaluate and doesn't just see it as my homecoming--which is how I tend to see it. In my mind if this 3 months apart does not work, I will personally need to re-evaluate, but this isn't something I need to share with him now, or it will sound like an ultimatum.

Is it a bad idea to share this calendar with him, will it somehow seem as pressure even though it is intended to be helpful and help us to plan? I was hoping that as he started to miss me more, the idea of seeing me on specific dates might make him happy...

Thanks for any advice here!

ITH

[istherehope]

Oh,

He just im'd me and wants to go to lunch on Saturday. I said "that would be nice". Thought that sounded positive instead of eager. He also asked me how I liked my corporate apartment. I said I didn't like it very much but tried to make this light too by just making fun of the 20 year old roommate and how she watches MTV all day.

Ugh, I feel like I'm in highschool again, dissecting every little thing that happens.

ITH

[BigHands]

Hi, ITH. Jen pointed me over here. I thought I might add a thought or two for you to chew on. I'll give you a little about me, so you can take my ramblings with the appropriately portioned grain of salt.

I've been around here in various forms since October of 2006. My divorce was 100% complete and final on July 3rd of this year. And I consider myself to be a complete DBing success.

In no particular order, I've been through several revelations and surprises, including: affairs with both sexes, suicide attempts, drug use, lies, lies, and more lies, declining parenting, institutional treatment for mental illness, denial of the illness, and . . . . I'm sure I've missed something.

Now, I'm a single parent of a 5 year old girl. I've met some fantastic people. Dated a bit. Met an incredible woman and will be moving to be with her and her kids, along with my daughter in another state.

I'm telling you all of this to give you a few perspectives.

A) No matter what happens, you can count on a loooooong road ahead of you and a lot of ups and downs

2) No matter what happens, you WILL be happy if you choose.

My thoughts on your particular situation are that your worries are completely understandable. We feel this empty space in our lives where the other person has been day in and day out. Do not for a minute convince yourself that they do not feel it too. You do not see what is happening in his head and his heart. The maxim around here is, "believe none of what they say and half of what they do". I would propose, "believe nothing from them" instead. Not because your husband is dishonest or anything like that. I suggest this because, at this point, it truly doesn't matter what he's doing or saying or thinking or feeling. It matters what you are doing, saying, thinking.

Analysis of interactions with him will not help you. Well, that's not entirely true. Overanalysis will not help you. You only need to analyze as far as determining whether your actions are working or not. Not to determine what he's thinking for tomorrow, what his goals are, or anything like that.

When you decide on things such as travel, entertainment, etc., decide as if you were on your own. You are. You can be on your own and comitted to your marriage. That's fine. You can be on your own and in love. That's great. But until you and he both become yourselves on your own, you probably don't want to be together.

So, take this time to rediscover yourself. What did you enjoy before marriage? I picked up my guitar for the first time in 8 years and fell in love with it all over again. I'd always wanted to learn a martial art, and love it. I became the parent I should've been all along, and discovered what a joy fatherhood is.

So, do you like travel? Then travel. Golf? Exercise? Swimming? Cooking? (I found a gourmet side I never knew was there.) Make YOUR life what you want it to be, regardless of whether your husband chooses to be in it or not. Ultimately, you cannot decide for him. That being said, the woman he was attracted to in the first place was one who had a life she enjoyed. It takes time, and constant work. But, the day will come where you will find him knocking on your door, or you may find yourself not caring whether he does or not.

We all come to DBing to save our marriages. What we all learn is that all we can save is ourselves. Sometimes, that's enough of an example for our spouse to save themselves, and the marriage to follow suit. You WILL be happy if you choose it.

[istherehope]

Hi BigHands,

Thanks for your very nice post. I completely agree and know in my heart that you are 100% right. I guess it's just the leap between logic and emotion that can be so hard to overcome.

What you've said about being whole people on our own before coming back together makes perfect sense. I just hope the whole person he becomes will like me/love me again, especially when he won't get the chance to be around me much for the next couple of months.

I will be traveling for work for a few months, so will be making my own decisions. It's just that I'm now also trying to make decisions around how often to come back and visit. I don't want to overdo it.

I guess for me the biggest thing to focus on will be exercising again. While I'm unusually thin from not eating at the moment, I used to be very healthy and fit. It's about time I get back there. Thanks again for your help and advice. Sounds like you've done well in the end, even with all of the ups and downs. I get so caught up in my own situation, that it's hard to realize others can be even worse...

All the best to you!
ITH