I've really been thinking about things lately. Chris? I just had a very similar situation happen with my H and I am feeling very beaten down and hopeless so here is what I've been pondering.....
From what I can tell, we all have similar stories....we didn't necessarily spend a lot of time showing H we loved him, making love, etc...maybe even treated H poorly at times which caused them to pull away and ultimately decide the R wasn't for them. All that said...when we were treating them less than kind what made us open our eyes and decided we REALLY WANTED THEM??? I don't know about you, but for me it was him making a decision to leave. All of the sudden I started pouring words of love and affection all over him...all acts that were completely the opposite of the way I'd been acting which caused him to leave in the first place. So a couple of things have been rolling around in my head:
1. I think they are afraid to be drawn in by our actions and then be hurt again. I think when they keep telling us how there is no hope...nothing has changed....it's too late...they are also trying to tell themselves. 2. I think after years of no attention, in a weird way they would never admit to...they like our desparate expressions of love...it gives them power. 3. I think the only thing that caused me to wake up and see I really did want him was for him to withdraw. Sooo...we do need to be careful...we certainly can't completely withdraw, but all the stuff in the LRT that talks about GAL and being a bit mysterious...causing H to think maybe they've lost us might help. Think about it...right now they don't have to spend one moment worrying about what things would be like if WE moved on...we keep telling them how we want the R and will always be here.
So I'm going to try something new (we'll see how long I can take it). I'm going to be very kind, vibrant, probably would even have sex with H if the situation were to arise, but I am going to put NO PRESSURE on the R. My stance is going to be that I realize he left for a reason and I can't argue that we weren't happy. I am going to absolutely NOT talk about the R...not even a little. If he tries to go there...my response is going to be "you know...I've spent a lot of time thinking about the R and I just can't do it anymore...you're gone that's a fact...let's just try and get along with one another". I am also going to let him know that maybe his decision was the right decision...just not one I could make.
