Hi, ITH. Jen pointed me over here. I thought I might add a thought or two for you to chew on. I'll give you a little about me, so you can take my ramblings with the appropriately portioned grain of salt.
I've been around here in various forms since October of 2006. My divorce was 100% complete and final on July 3rd of this year. And I consider myself to be a complete DBing success.
In no particular order, I've been through several revelations and surprises, including: affairs with both sexes, suicide attempts, drug use, lies, lies, and more lies, declining parenting, institutional treatment for mental illness, denial of the illness, and . . . . I'm sure I've missed something.
Now, I'm a single parent of a 5 year old girl. I've met some fantastic people. Dated a bit. Met an incredible woman and will be moving to be with her and her kids, along with my daughter in another state.
I'm telling you all of this to give you a few perspectives.
A) No matter what happens, you can count on a loooooong road ahead of you and a lot of ups and downs
2) No matter what happens, you WILL be happy if you choose.
My thoughts on your particular situation are that your worries are completely understandable. We feel this empty space in our lives where the other person has been day in and day out. Do not for a minute convince yourself that they do not feel it too. You do not see what is happening in his head and his heart. The maxim around here is, "believe none of what they say and half of what they do". I would propose, "believe nothing from them" instead. Not because your husband is dishonest or anything like that. I suggest this because, at this point, it truly doesn't matter what he's doing or saying or thinking or feeling. It matters what you are doing, saying, thinking.
Analysis of interactions with him will not help you. Well, that's not entirely true. Overanalysis will not help you. You only need to analyze as far as determining whether your actions are working or not. Not to determine what he's thinking for tomorrow, what his goals are, or anything like that.
When you decide on things such as travel, entertainment, etc., decide as if you were on your own. You are. You can be on your own and comitted to your marriage. That's fine. You can be on your own and in love. That's great. But until you and he both become yourselves on your own, you probably don't want to be together.
So, take this time to rediscover yourself. What did you enjoy before marriage? I picked up my guitar for the first time in 8 years and fell in love with it all over again. I'd always wanted to learn a martial art, and love it. I became the parent I should've been all along, and discovered what a joy fatherhood is.
So, do you like travel? Then travel. Golf? Exercise? Swimming? Cooking? (I found a gourmet side I never knew was there.) Make YOUR life what you want it to be, regardless of whether your husband chooses to be in it or not. Ultimately, you cannot decide for him. That being said, the woman he was attracted to in the first place was one who had a life she enjoyed. It takes time, and constant work. But, the day will come where you will find him knocking on your door, or you may find yourself not caring whether he does or not.
We all come to DBing to save our marriages. What we all learn is that all we can save is ourselves. Sometimes, that's enough of an example for our spouse to save themselves, and the marriage to follow suit. You WILL be happy if you choose it.
