Leap of Faith on the Lake Erie Shore

[TwinDad]

Neil,

Sounds like you are handling things very well.....I nkow the slowness can be very frustrating. Sounds like you are reading her pretty well. The smiles, though small are a good thing. It is good that you are letting her drive the car with the occassional invite. Has she been hanging out a little before taking the kids or was yesterday an exception?

[Neilh23]

usually a little bit. we chit chat as i am putting the kids' shoes on. i hang a little bit in the morning when i pick them up. it's a nice little thing.

i'd like some suggestions as to how i can do something nice for her because i think things are finally starting to get to her. I don't think she's dealt with stuff, and it's physically starting to get to her. IDK....but i still want to do something nice for her

[TwinDad]

I would do the small things....you don't want it to be awkward, like she feels she needs to reciprocate. I thought the picking her up the coffee was pretty clever and low key.....kind of I was thinking of you so I did something nice.

Is there something you could help her with with regards to the kids. Is there something she normally does but you could do as an act of kindness? What sort of things does she like to do?

[Neilh23]

i probably have the kids color her a picture or something along those lines...

the big thing with the kids i think, would be to take them overnite. BUt i think she's trying to play supermom. I know this weekend got to her...it shows all over her face...

what does she like to do? sleep and shop. LOL....other things that i really can't think of right now....it's been quite awhile since the two of us did something..since right after d3.5 was born so it's difficult to think of something.

i've thought about going ahead and scheduling her a massage and paying for it. But that's too over the top, wouldn't you think?

[TwinDad]

i've thought about going ahead and scheduling her a massage and paying for it. But that's too over the top, wouldn't you think?

Yeah...I would think that is over the top....if she likes to pamper herself and doesn't have the time and money then a pedicure or manicure might be a little more in line though possibly a little risky. Something like, you seem like you have been worn out from the weekend, why don't I take the kids for a couple of hours so you can go out and get a pedicure....I'll treat.

Having the kids color for her is a great idea, make sure they make something for you as well (i.e. they made something for each of you to hang on the refridgerator...etc)

Fall is coming around soon....she likes to go shopping, what do you think about inviting her to go along shopping for clothes for the kids.....yes I know this is something that can be very painful for us guys, but the ladies do like to shop....If I had to guess, I imagine this is something that she did on her own

[The Wifey]

Neil,

The baby steps are evident from here. How about I'd like to take the kids for a while so you could have a break. I'd like you to go do something just for yourself. Here's an amount of money. Go out to lunch with a friend, go shop, go to the museum, go do whatever will make you happy for a while. All said with no expectations.

[Neilh23]

Kjo-
i know they are there...i just get impatient. LOL that's my issue

Twindad...i've never known her to get a mani or pedi cure. NOt once. probably going to color some pics for her. the shopping suggestion has alot of merit. we need to get clothes for d3.5 as she is going into a religious preschool in the fall and needs dresses for everyday.

i will ponder. thanks

[upside_downer]

If I may add my opinion, I would think giving her money, giving her a pedicure, massage, whatever at this point is over the top.

Not knowing your W at all, but thinking about it, those just scream desperation to me. The coffee....that was no big deal. Who can't afford .79? OK, don't answer that!

What I'm getting at is giving her things, although an action, don't really add up to what she wants from you. Perhaps this is a LL for her, and I don't mean to sound crass, but she isn't in love with you like that right now.

Out of the suggestions, taking the kids is a good idea. You can give her something by taking something away for a little while. She can relax, and enjoy that you did something nice without seeming desperate to shower her with awkward gifts.

Just keep it simple, low-key, and be happy and nice doing it. Most importantly, make sure whatever you decide to do is genuine, and not laced with expectations.

I'm jealous of the wonderful folks you have posting here, Neil. Could I request any of you to jump on my thread, as well? I have a few regulars, but the folks here seem to catch up faster! I would appreciate it

[ndsmhelp]

Hey Guys
Thought you may find this helpful, given the recent conversations about sending letters, emails and over the top actions.

Although I find the words of advice and encouragement from the WAW and almost WAW invaluable, I try to remember one thing as I listen. My wife has given me no verbal indication that she wants to work on the marriage, and although I am a very impatient person by nature, the last thing I want to do is pressure her, or worse yet make her feel that I am changing just for her, which she knows would not be lasting changes.

It's a post from Bworl to me, using a quote from Bridgestone.

NDS

What's the best approach to busting a divorce?

Becoming the best man that we could ever be, and loving our spouse unconditionally.

She will never find another man that resonates with her the way you do.

I want you to check out this post I came across from Bridgestone, a potential WAW. This was in response to a male poster who was thinking about writing his wife an email/letter explaining all the things he had learned about himself and was in the process of changing. I thought her input was invaluable to the men among us who are stuck trying to figure out how to reach their wife....

I would not have wanted to hear that from my H after the bomb within the first few months.

In my case, I wanted space away from his actions & words that had left me physically ill & emotionally numb. I was overwraught with trying to keep the wall up around my feelings and my thoughts.

Only after I had time to rest and regroup to a 'new normal', then I could 'watch' his actions. Once his actions showed me even a minutia of consistency & regularity in what he said he would do, then I could tolerate listening to a little bit of what got him there. He had to do what he said, not just say what he was going to do in order for the trust to begin to rebuild.

Notice the progression she talks about:

1. She wanted to become NORMAL again inside.
2. Then she would WATCH what he DID.
3. When she saw consistency in his ACTIONS, she would hear WORDS.
4. It is the ACTIONS that carry weight, not the WORDS.


Your wife is affected by you EVERY day. The fact that she does not acknowledge it is irrelevant. The fact that she sticks to her guns about being apart one day is irrelevant.


There is a process at work here.


First she needed to feel safe and happy again. Then she begins to watch. As she sees your changes and starts to believe in them, she will hear your words. But your actions will always speak much more loudly than your words.

[pisces9]

ask her what she needs right now...she shared with you that she is in pain. ask her. ask a few times...dont push it but just say you are concerned for her and want to help in any way.

i cant imagine that hurting your sitch. she told you she is not feeling well. that is a cry for help.