So, I picked up D at noon and W was not real friendly. I even made mention about the money I'd asked for her to help out w/ and she simply said "I got the text about it" but didn't offer to pay a dime. So, I'll just let that one get settled by the L's, I guess.
D and I went to As You Wish to paint a piece of pottery for my father's birthday (today) and then D called her "Papa" to wish him Happy Birthday before we watched Space Chimps. After that, we repaired two animals at Build-A-Bear and then went out to dinner (sushi). D and I came home, played a little ball in the house - (a no-no, I know), washed a few windows (D loved to run the Windex, but she got a bit trigger happy at times) and then she called W to tell her goodnight. D's currently in my bed watching a Disney Princess movie, so I snuck away to update you all.
That's it for now. I'm heading into hang out w/ D and will talk to you all later.
Now I'm wondering if part of her is trying to push me away b/c she doesn't feel like she deserves to have me back. That she doesn't feel like it is right for me to change and her not to do so. It sure seems to me at times that she's trying to make me give up on her.
Highly doubtful. She can do no wrong, so why would she even consider that she doesn't deserve to have you back. As far as she's concerned, she could have you back at the snap of her fingers. You're thinking like a person that has done some introspection rather than like a woman that feels totally justified with however she treats you.
Quote:
You'll get her at noon because it is obviously more important for you to lift than to spend more time w/ your daughter."
And it's obviously more important for her to extract some form of revenge than let you spend more time with her. This gives me ugly flashbacks of the behavior of my first wife. I don't know about you, but I find that kind of manipulation pretty unattractive.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
If she does have those thoughts, they are completely in the subconscious. I agree w/ you that there is NO way she's allowing these to come into her conscious thoughts right now.
As for her actions being attractive, no they are not. I know I still love her deeply, but I'm in love w/ the woman she was. That is the one I miss. I guess I still believe that woman is still in there somewhere. I'll wait for that woman to come out for now, but I'm not sure how much more I'll be able to withstand.
Her attacks hurt and sting, but they haven't yet hardened my heart - and I'm not sure I understand why this hasn't occurred.
Her attacks hurt and sting, but they haven't yet hardened my heart - and I'm not sure I understand why this hasn't occurred.
From my experience and observations of people on here, it seems pretty typical that the heart doesn't harden. Even in people that happily move on with someone else, it still does seem as though the LBS actually gets a hardened heart. It can't be because all these walk-aways were so wonderful....so it must be the nature of being dumped allows one to put on the ol' rose colored glasses. If anything, the dumper has more anger, even years down the line, than the one dumped. Go figure.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
You know what I think is quite possibly the craziest about all this is b/c I had my own personal demons to fight, I spent time in our relationship subconsciously doing things to undo our bond b/c I felt I didn't deserve to be loved. I figured this out through a lot of therapy, but now I'm wondering if W is doing the same type of thing.
See, she was uncovering some of her past garbage when she stopped therapy and headed down the D road. Now I'm wondering if part of her is trying to push me away b/c she doesn't feel like she deserves to have me back. That she doesn't feel like it is right for me to change and her not to do so. It sure seems to me at times that she's trying to make me give up on her.
Hey Rob, I am quite certain that my darling has this same sort of subconcious mindset. I know that she views her own life as a "train wreck". She is currently going through the "softening" portion of the cycle of the merry-go-round. She made contact with me yesterday, much sooner than I thought that it would take for her to call me. She says that she really misses the dog and wants to give her a special treat she bought for her. These are the same lines that she has used before. Of course she knows that in order for the dog to see her that will mean that I will have to see her. So silly .. the things they use to "hide" behind.
She made contact with me yesterday, much sooner than I thought that it would take for her to call me. She says that she really misses the dog and wants to give her a special treat she bought for her. These are the same lines that she has used before. Of course she knows that in order for the dog to see her that will mean that I will have to see her. So silly .. the things they use to "hide" behind.
I don't know if the hiding is even conscious. It's just a feeling.
An unexamined feeling. Like "I gotta get out of this marriage!" which is the kind of thing that sets off the flight in the first place.
or later, "I gotta see the dog" - just the reaction on the other end.
part of her is trying to push me away b/c she doesn't feel like she deserves to have me back. I think we all tend to behave in this way, sometimes. I don't mean that we all have feelings that we don't deserve stuff. I mean, we all have thoughts or beliefs that are very strongly held, if sometimes unexamined, and we act on them. We have beliefs and values that are so intrinsic to us, that we sometimes cannot even see them, but though these beliefs exist in the shadows, they have real influence on our extrinsic actions. We act based on those feelings and beliefs.
An example: Most of us would say "I'm not prejudiced" and most of us consider ourselves open minded. But psychologists have done studies in which they show people images of dark-skinned faces. People (white, black or otherwise) tend to have more favorable emotions when looking upon fair-skinned faces. I'm not saying YOU (anyone) does this. I'm saying, it is statistically proven that people in general act prejudicially, though they consciously believe they are not prejudiced.
We cannot help but be influenced by our own beliefs. A belief that "I am capable" leads a person to be optimistic, which encourages success. (like a self-fulfilling prophecy). A belief of "I am strong" leads one to try harder when things get tough. All this is cool. The funny stuff happens when the beliefs are suppressed or unexamined.
Even more fun comes when a strongly held belief conflicts with real facts. Like "I am a good person", except (for example) you just ran someone over with your car. Now what do you do? You have to toss out one or the other. The belief or the reality. Most people will go to great lengths to rationalize away the reality. It wasn't my fault, that person shouldn't have been there, they were wearing dark clothing, they were not using the crosswalk, etc etc.
Also, re:
Originally Posted By: RTL
It sure seems to me at times that she's trying to make me give up on her.
Par for the course. Except I chalk this up to "making themselves feel better".
Thanks for piping up gentlemen. I appreciate the support. W has been very nasty w/ me today and I'm growing tired of it. Her ugliness makes DBing very, very hard to do. Today I asked her for 30 extra minutes to stay at the community pool w/ D longer, but she not only said no, but told me I always ask for more time and I should be able to plan better.
We then got to the drop off and she was pissed that D wanted to go pick up her pottery w/ me and acted like it would be a huge inconvenience for her. It turns out that she was planning on eating at a restaurant four doors down from the pottery place, so there was no inconvenience. She just wanted to be angry.
I just got a phone call from her where she started w/ "I want some straight answers" and I said, "Ok. Go ahead." She asked me if we had a party b/c D told her on Sunday that we were at a party w/ all of D's friends. I don't know why D told her that, but I even asked D if she told mommy she was kidding. D said no and that she didn't want to tell her she was kidding. W was ticked that I couldn't remember EXACTLY when I overheard D tell her this story and she also threw out the "why would she lie to me?" I told her it concerned me as well and maybe she was just playing out a fantasy of hers w/ you. Of course, W thinks we had a party.
She then said D told her I yelled at her when she fell off the bed and I told W I yelled at her when she put the drapery cord around her neck, not when she fell off the bed. W then goes on and says "I don't think she's safe w/ you" and then goes back to the line of I'm lying to her again - like always.
I finally told her she can make me out to be anything she wants me to be and she twists my words to fit what she wants. I told her I tell her what I remember and I don't remember everything. She then said I only remember when I'm cornered and "I've got proof." I challenged that w/ "What type of proof do you have? What are you talking about here?" W conveniently said "I'm done" and hung up.
I wish I could be done. I wish the parenting evaluation was "done." I wish we could all be "done" with this mess. She's trying hard to destroy any feelings I have for her and she did an excellent job of it today. If I knew my custody situation, maybe then I would finally be "done" as well.
My head really hurts. As far as looking at the computer tonight, "I'm done."
I wonder how much of her anger is being caused because of the alcohol.
From where I stand, I too would be done DBing for any hope of getting this woman back. Keep yourself happy and D5 happy when she is with you. Let this vile woman stew in her own anger. She does not sound like a person that is going to attract a very good man anytime in the future. I like the "I'm done" attitude - you have dropped the rope and hopefully you wont think of pulling her up any time soon. Rob, you deserve so much better than her. You have grown throughout this ordeal - what has your W accomplished during this period other than to torment you?
I wish too you could get the custody issue done so you can breathe and stop feeling like there is something so serious hanging over your head.
You are trying so hard to explain why she does all the things she does, in a well meaning way. I admire you (you know that) for taking the high road as you americans say. We say that people's characters show in crisis situations. You are a man of good character. And she is abusing you, using your D in a very mean way. What mother doesn't know that kids make up stories all the time? What mother doesn't know that kids will make you yell at them without that meaning much? (or is it just us Greeks?) Every parent knows that there are times when things get "loud" without that meaning anybody gets hurt (mentally or physically). For God's sake, this is all absurd.
I am sorry, you don't need me being like this. When is the custody issue done?
