<<It's tough to keep it out of the "parent/child" level, I know... especially when they act like a child by being pouty
When he pouts, you treat him irrelevant. You act happy, & play with the kids. Don't let him bring you down. Don't be upset that he's pouting. Just do your thing. Then when he's nice again, you treat him like he matters. Think of him as a child, since he's acting like one. Don't reward bad behaviors. If your child was pouting to get his way, would you be nicer, & try to make him happy. Heck no, you say, I understand you're sad, but you're not having a gallon of ice cream for dinner. Same thing with H.
<<Normally i'm really polite and just ask. As much as i wanted his help, i never expected it. I think that now that i'm leaving out the "will you" or "can you" it's helping me get him to help.
I think you should be polite, & yes definitely expect his help. don't enable him. I did it for too long, & it was a HUGE mistake. You know how you said you insulate the kids from him. That was me 10 years ago.
<<I'm being cautious and not getting my hopes up because there have been times where he has helped for a few weeks before and then he just quits and get frustrated, but so far so good.
Forget that. Act AS IF he is changing for good this time.
<< Now, for me, not much has changed in the attraction/sex department, but i have gotten to the point where i can enjoy the sex itself once we get into it, so it sucks for me too when he's being an a$$ and doesn't get any...
Definitely teach him what you like. Make sure he knows exactly what you like.
<<and seriously, it was just last night we didn't, poor baby. Too bad for him that he doesn't get to be a jerk and call names and have an attitude and get sex too.
He called you names ?? What did he call you ?
<<I probably won't be really good at keeping to that, but hopefully good enough that he'll think about what he says before he says it more often than not if he wants to "get some" hehe... no more "i have a headache" or "am tired"... it's "you were mean and said hurtful things, so i don't feel like being intimate with you right now."
You need to be really firm with this. If you waiver, he won't learn. Keep a chart if you need to. If he was mean, you don't let him touch you for 3 days. 2nd time he's mean, make it 7 days. So on, & so on. Be firm. Don't cave in.
Ann sweetie, now's a good time to tell you, you remind me so much of myself a year or so ago, I can't even tell you. It made it hard for me to read page 1 of this thread, because I wanted to go off on your H so bad. I wish I would have stopped enabling my H years ago.
I want to share more with you, but to be honest, it's super late, & I'm finally getting sleepy, so perhaps tomorrow.
Sex.....sex is ONE alternative way that couples can express physical & emotional connection. I think you're right that sex shouldn't be viewed as a reward for good behavior. I think you should have sex, when you want to have sex. I don't know that I'd phrase it as "you won't get "it" when you're being a jerk". I might say, when I feel unappreciated & that you don't want to help me out around here, I just don't want to be connected to you in that way. Then earlier in the evening try saying "this laundry has to be done, & these dishes need to be done, which would you like to do?" if he says neither, say "okay, well, I'm sure by the time I do both of them, I'll be too tired for sex tonight, so don't bother asking me". He'll get the picture real fast.
Remember, women have much more power than they even imagine. You have either forgotten how to use it, or you never learned before you married him.
I had it, & then H was so stubborn & strong about arguing & fighting, that I folded, & became a doormat. Then OM helped me remember how to stand up & be a strong empowered confident woman.
Be specific about what you want. Don't treat him like a child. Treat him like a 50/50 business partner. You are allowed to ask him to help, he's allowed to say no. Just remember, you have all the tools that you need to have him kissing your feet. You just need to find it. I can help you, if you want.
It can be fun even.
Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
