SG, I posted this morning, then deleted it...I couldn't post w/out making it personal.
SG, I know divorce is painful to the children involved...all of us know that. However, sometimes a person just has to do what he/she has to do. Sometimes that decision is taken out of our hands.
The only way I know to get my point across is to share MY story. My exH and I were married for just over 21 years. Were all those years "bad"? No. But, the last 10 years or so consisted of infidelity (-ies), drinking, cursing, abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical). My exH was a truck driver. He was gone a lot...I was, for the most part, a "single" parent....I was the main caregiver. When my ex was home, there was a beer in his hand...he was an alcoholic. Every other word out of his mouth was a curse word...even in the "best" of times. He made fun of me for going to Church and believing in God. He ridiculed me and fussed at me for my community achievements. My children saw this day in and day out.
In June of 06, my exH dropped his "bomb" and gave me the infamous speech that so many of us have heard. Then, I started finding out about all the women my ex was having a relationship with...8 in all! I did all the wrong things. Then, I tried DB'ing. Finally, I told him to leave. I couldn't deal w/ him and his attitude on top of watching my mom die...it was just too much. (This was a month after he threw me across a room and told me he could kill me...and a few weeks after he got a DUI.) Enough was enough. Yes, the first couple of months I hurt and I was scared. But, I made it through. My eyes were opened and I started seeing things...things so many people had been pointing out to me for years.
After a couple of months, my ex saw that I was moving on. He liked what he saw and wanted to come home. I was willing to try because I had made a commitment to him. Not to mention the fact that we had 3 children together, 2 of whom were still living at home. The same 2 that were living in the hell that our home had become. My daughter was furious w/ me for even considering letting him return. When I found out he was living w/ his OW, I was still willing try to save the marriage...for the same reasons I just named. He made the decision to go back to the OW. And, this time, I didn't fight for my marriage.
Why? Because my children deserved better than what my exH and I could offer them had we stayed together. While they still see their father every other weekend, some over the holidays, and one week during the summer, they are no longer living in hell at home. I did not want my daughter thinking that it is ok for her future husband to treat her the way her father had treated me. I did not my son to think that it was ok for him to treat his future wife the way his father had treated me. Our home life became peaceful and fun. We no longer carry that weight on our shoulders.
Now, when my children see Bill and I together, they see a husband and wife who love each other. They don't just hear the "I love you's"...they feel the love and respect that a husband and wife should have for one another. They aren't just surviving...they are thriving in every way possible.
Yes, divorce hurts. But, it is our responsibility as parents to take a bad situation and make it the best that it can be. It is our responsibility to provide our children w/ the love and support that they need. And, hopefully, the scars will be minimal at best.
