For the Guy with Kids and a WW 8

[kat727]

Make her provide for her kids then. What is in the house, stays in the house. I think your kids need continuity, 1 week one, one week off isn't it. You could always have you guys switch places to stay, then none of the kids stuff is moved if you are going to insist that you are fine parenting this way. That way kids keep as normal a life as possible and only the parents are paying the huge price.

kat

[hopeful4her]

I've spoken to my friend who's brother is going through the same thing. They are doing the 50/50. One week at a time. She says it SEEMS to be working out.

I'm going to do more research on it.

Switching at the house. She no longer wants to be in the house. It's too far. Gas is killing us, now. With her moving just into the heart of our little hill country town, she's gonna save about a 30 mile daily round trip. It is roughly a 65 mile round trip to work and back home. She wants to be on her own.

I've thought of maybe every two weeks at a time. Them living closer to everthing makes life a lot easier for them. School, stores, friends, our families. S14 now. Easier to get to school activities.

Maybe I'm the one being selfish. I should just sell the house and move into town, too. Maybe they are better off with her right now.

[karen43]

Maybe I'm the one being selfish. I should just sell the house and move into town, too. Maybe they are better off with her right now.

I think you should do what makes you happy about the house, and that will make your kids happy. I do think kids need both parents if possible. Even though my H has been kind of flaky & unreliable lately, the kids would be devastated if he wasn't part of their lives, so I am really happy and grateful that he has been seeing them a few days every week. Karen

[attorneytom]

Ride this ride and get back to you.Anyone that has been here for 6.. 8 months or so.. cant really advise you.. they can commiserate. as they are going through your pain also. Get with the peeps that have been there done that.

It is a quite a different thngy, Is it not ?

Tom

[hopeful4her]

What would you do if your H said that he wants to get full custody of the kids?

I imagine that everyone would fight like crazy against it. In my case, the dad, roomie did all the teacher conferences, did most of the doctor appointments, had all the coorespondence from the teachers. That was what our scheduled allowed. Her job last year allowed her the flexability to do that stuff. I was stuck at work. Then when she lost her job, then all the more. An attorney told me to document that type of stuff that I did. Wasn't nearly as much as roomie did. I got filled in with every detail. As a matter of fact, I would have to remind her to tell me.

To fight in a court over the kids and prove how much better of a parent I am over her. Talk about an uphill battle. I don't doubt my abilities, its proving that I'm better suited enough to have custody is another.

And then to just have a judge choose joint custody anyway. The money that would be spent to have the outcome be what we are thinking anyway. It boggles the mind. I have looked at some cases. The circumstances would have to be pretty bad on roomies part for her to lose custody. And in Texas, affairs don't come into play.

The kids and I are going to have to make the best of what we have. They know that they will be spending time with us as equally as possible.

It all depends on how she and I work with each other. I agree with the kids having schedules and continuity. That is how we have raised them. Up until now. It will just be different.

And I plan to be asking for input, especially from D11. Not that I'm going to base my decisions on her, but I will consider her opinion, if she has any.

Even my mother, who once told me to get physical custody of the kids has changed her mind. "I've thought about it. You can't take them away from their mother. I agree with splitting the time between you and her." And believe me, she is way more bitter than I am about roomie.

[hopeful4her]

Its like another world, AT.

I did not feel very well all day. I have a heart thingy. Sometimes my heart goes into triple time. About 150 beats per minute. Found out Jan 2007, I have an electrical problem. Not life threatening. Learned some techniques to stop it. It can go on for a day or so. Sometimes I can make it stop quickly. I have to lay down on my side and bear down hard for about 20 seconds. It makes me feel like I have just finished running or something. Sweaty. Just sitting down. Happened as soon as I got to work this morning and haven't been able to stop it. It's a pain in the ass.

On the way home, I remember D11 telling me that mom was going to get off at 5:30 and then take them to Spectrum tonight. I got off late so I figured they might not be home when I got there. Roomies car was not there. I walk to the door and D6 opens it. She is still not home. I go sit in S14's roomie. He catches me up on the day.

I ask him when he is leaving. He is not sure yet. I tell him that mom is moving on Friday. "Yeah."

I tell him that he can always stay here while he figures it out. Apparantly his dad needs to find an apartment, too. I tell S14 he can stay here as long as he wants. Roomies place won't have room for him and his stuff. "Yeah, I know. My dad said that he plans on inviting you over for games and fights and stuff. That ya'll can be friends."

Just what I wanted. Be friends with roomies ex.

I say great. Roomie comes home and comes and sits down too. I know she is wondering what we're talking about. She even asks. Just stuff S14 says.

"How are you?" she asks.
"Tired."
Pause
"Do you want to go to the Spectrum with us?"
"Yeah, I guess." I really wasn't planning on it.
"What does everyone want for dinner? Hot dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches."
I say "We still have chili left over."
We are sitting looking exhausted. I'm sitting on his futon and she is facing me on his chair.

I attempt to get up, "Okay, what do we want?" We look at each other like we do not want to answer. Too pooped to want to do anything. "Hot dogs?"
"I guess" she says.

I make dinner. She changes. Kids change. We eat. They are ready to go. I still don't feel up to working out or swimming. She goes to bathroom. S14 goes to tell her he will wait outside.
"Ask your dad if he is going with us!"
S14 yells at me, "Dad, are you going with us?!"
I walk past him to my room.
"No. I don't feel well."
I change and lay down on bed.
Roomie comes out.
"Good night." Very chipper. Her sarcasm.

Aside from me not feeling good, should I have accepted the invite and gone?

Should I accept invites to stuff like that in the future? IF it happens. Where all of us are together.

[kat727]

I may not always have the answers for you but I can still see things maybe a bit clearer than you can because you are in the situation. That is true for all of us. It doesn't matter if you have been posting a month or a year, we are all here to give you support.

Maybe something didn't work for someone and they can share that experience with you or maybe something they tried worked really well. The end result is that you get a lot of people trying to find a solution for you.

Look at the pros and cons of where you are at and decide after some time if moving is best. Don't just act off of emotion. I am sorry to say I it has been a long time since H walked out the door and I truly believe if I had been a bit firmer then instead of being in such shock, it would have made a bit of difference. I think it can for you too. hugs.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Thats why I'm here kat. To hear it from all sides. It is hard to see things sometimes. Sometimes we try to hard to "see" things. Things that aren't there, and we have to rely on others to tell us.

I appreciate all views. It most definatly help to have them and to put them into consideration. I'm a firm believer in being honest with someone. It's like I've told roomie. A good friend will empathize with you about something. A true friend will tell you something that you may or may not want to hear.

I think Puppy started a thread on what we would have done different. That question is not fair. It's not fair knowing what the outcome is in advance. The question has to be more like,

"What would you have done different assuming you still did not know the outcome of your sitch and still wanted to achieve the goal of reconciling with your spouse?"

The question gets a lot harder. I think a lot of people were saying how they would have done something totally different.

Kat, I think you would be hard pressed to say that you would have thrown him out the first time he did not want to stop seeing OM. You told me that once. It's too easy knowing that all the crap you endured didn't help.

I know I'm going to tell myself the same thing. I KNOW I will when I get D papers. But I keep thinking to myself. I'm not getting divorced. I'm getting seperated.

Who knows what can happen? Thats my hope talking.

But I agree with this last one,

I truly believe if I had been a bit firmer then instead of being in such shock, it would have made a bit of difference.

I should have been firmer earlier. Not tried to be such a friend. I still don't think I would have thrown her out. Doing the things I now doing but just earlier.

Thats all I can say or do.

Thank you sweet kat. Hugs back to you. I know your having a tough time too. This moving day is throwing me off. But I'm really trying to stay cool about it.

My kids, my kids, my poor kids.

[Sugar and Spice]

A good friend will empathize with you about something. A true friend will tell you something that you may or may not want to hear.

That is so true. I am a firm believer in honesty, even when it hurts. I would rather hear the harsh truth than have someone think something and because they are afraid to hurt my feelings, not tell me what I desperately NEED to hear.

I think Puppy started a thread on what we would have done different. That question is not fair. It's not fair knowing what the outcome is in advance. The question has to be more like,

"What would you have done different assuming you still did not know the outcome of your sitch and still wanted to achieve the goal of reconciling with your spouse?"

The question gets a lot harder. I think a lot of people were saying how they would have done something totally different.

H4H, fair is pretty much a moot point for any of us. What would you have done differently may not be a fair question, but I think it might be valuable to those that are new to this. There are things that I would have done differently now either way. Do I think it would have changed things? Of course, but I also wouldn't have gone as far as I have. If I had this all to do again, I would have stuck to my original statement to H. I told him to get his stuff and be gone by the time I got home. If I were to do it over, when he asked me, "Are you sure?" The answer would be, "yes." because I feel if I had set clear boundaries from the get go, it might not have gotten this bad.

The flip side, because of the addiction, it may not have mattered. This is not truly about any of us (LBS). So our actions or reactions really might not have done much to change anything situationally, but it might have made some of us feel better sooner.

Aside from me not feeling good, should I have accepted the invite and gone?

Personally? No, I don't think that you should have to put your physical health on hold. I think you did the right thing by staying home. It might have been a good little lesson for GBG. Is it different that you are thinking of yourself for a change? 180?

Should I accept invites to stuff like that in the future? IF it happens. Where all of us are together.

I would say yes to this. If its something you want to do and are comfortable with, why not? Just like me, you are going to have to learn to co-parent your kids with her while she is in the apartment. H has been gone for 7 months now and it was really hard at first, but it gets easier. Go to the things that you WANT to go to, that will be fun and good for your kids and you. I go to all of DS's sports because I love to watch my son play. You couldn't keep me away. DD's too. No matter what happens, that is just a given. My decisions don't hinge on H anymore, its about me and the kids. I show up for them and so does he, you just get used to it. Does it hurt? A lot at first, but it gets easier.

(((H4H))) This just sucks so damn much and I'm so sorry you and your kids have to go through this. Your a good dad and you don't need a judge to tell you that. Your love for your kids comes through loud and clear in your posts. Take care of you and do the best you can...thats all any of us can do.

[hopeful4her]

Thanks Suga momma.

I would rather hear the harsh truth than have someone think something and because they are afraid to hurt my feelings, not tell me what I desperately NEED to hear.

I've always believed this. Except in the case of roomie. We BOTH held back things just to keep from hurting each other. We still do. A marriage can only take so much of that. Yeah, some things you can hold back on, but others....it takes a toll later on down the road. It did for us.

The flip side, because of the addiction, it may not have mattered.

That was my point. If we could go back and change what we did or didn't do, we still don't know if it would have helped our sitch. It's more for us than changing our sitch.

Go to the things that you WANT to go to, that will be fun and good for your kids and you. I go to all of DS's sports because I love to watch my son play. You couldn't keep me away. DD's too.

Yeah, thats is definately a given. We both have attended all the kids sporting events or school events together. Roomie is THE loudest one out there. Really. The kids get embarrassed. I get embarrassed. People look at her. Now I'll be able to truly say, "I'm not with her. No, really."

I guess I meant stuff that is inconsequential. Like the going to work out. She put forth the effort to ask me. I just don't feel like doing ANYTHING with her right now. Of course, thats right now. I did accept initially. I just changed my mind because I didn't feel well. I was going to tell her that how I was feeling, but I didn't. I didn't want her to think I was trying to play a sympathy card or something.

(((H4H))) This just sucks so damn much and I'm so sorry you and your kids have to go through this.

You said a mouthfull. Hugs right back 'atcha.


I'm really tired this morning. I came in extra early again. I HAD to today. I left while her alarm was going off. It had been for about 10 minutes already. She kept getting up last night. I am a light sleeper, so every damn wakes me up. Turn on lights, go outside. Come back in. She's gonna feel it today. I even have bags under my eyes.

They all got back last night. I still didn't feel well. D's come and lay with me on the bed. While D's are there, I make one last attempt to settle my heart. D's just watch. It works and they keep making sure I'm ok. I assure D11. I tell her to try it. I explain that it almost feels like your drowning. Gasping for air afterward. Then a rush and the heart beat settles down. I can't tell you how weird it feels. Okay, now I feel like doing something.

Roomie follows . I ask if they want to go to Spectrum again tomorrow(today) too. Now I want to go. I feel much better. I get an enthusiastic "I guess" from the D's. Roomie says to D6, "Are going to work out with us first this time?"
She says yes. So I guess we'll all go back today after work.

Roomie starts to talk a little to me. The little dog, Mo, is in heat. Again. She's the momma of the puppies. I keep having to chase off dogs. She saw that I took out my BB gun. She puts it away. I tell her "I'm not trying to kill it, just put a little pain in its butt."
"Well, don't leave it out. I don't want the girls to get it."

See! I told ya'll she has some parenting skills still.
She corrected my bad.

Even D11 agrees. "Yeah, that dog is even bugging me, dad."
"Wow, and your Mrs Doctor Doolittle" I tell her. We laugh.

D11 asks to sleep with me. I defer it and get her to her bed. She reluctantly goes. D6 too. As D6 is walking out, roomie goes to the closet to put some shoes on.
"Where you going, momma?"
"Outside for a minute."
"Your gonna smoke. I'm going with you."
"No your not! I don't need anyone watching what I do."

Okay, a step back for her parenting.

I get D's to bed and kisses goodnight. I get to bed. Nothing else from roomie.

Today, I feel like some Scorpions. Lovedrive. The maybe some Audioslave. The first one.

I accidently left my cell at home charging. She'll see it. Wonder if she'll bring it with her and see if I want it later.