di- Going through all of this and having to split our children in half was not what any of us signed up for. But we have been given this cross to bare...it is how you choose to handle it that shows your character. You can lay down and let it consume you or you can choose to rise above it and show everyone (especially your children) how strong you really are. Show your children that this isn't going to break you...just as you would want them to do if they were in this situation.
Don't get me wrong...you are certainly allowed your time to grieve the lose of your family as you once knew it. You took years to build your life and it takes awhile to accept that things are not going to be the way you planned them. So allow yourself some time to grieve but then pick your up and dust yourself off and be that example of strength for your kids...and continue to do that each time you slip and fall down.
So last night after D11's softball game, H said to me, D says she is having a friend stay over? I say yes. He says and D15? I say she will be dropped off at home after her evening plans are over. He says can I have S9 for the night? I say yes. He sends TM about the fact that he thought that he was to have the kids both Mon. and Tues. nights----something he proposed over a month ago, before he had even found a place to move. I re-read the proposal, it is not clear that that is what he wanted. After several exchanges, the last one from me asking him to understand what I am going through...........the last one from him was that if this isn't going to work neither will anything else. I told him today, no more discussion of schedules via e-mail or TM. We have to talk. He still seems pissed. Is hard for me to keep my mouth shut about what I know of OW at this point....................
At this time, I'm thining that if I confront him, he will most definitely deny. I will tell him I know, but can't tell him how I know. He will use it as an excuse to get even more pissed off and he will file. If I keep my mouth shut, at least that will be off the table for now..........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You don't need to tell him how you know and you don't need to go in to the details of what you know. If you say anything don't be confrontational about it, just state it as a fact and not a question. Something like "you know the truth and I know the truth" and look him straight in the eye when you say it.
That was some advice that my C gave me a while back and it worked very well.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Yes, I've thought about that approach. I've thought about asking him to look me in the eye and tell me that all of this is just about him being miserable living with me..................but I expect he would say yes.
I know the right answer is that it doesn't matter right now. What I need to do is focus on myself. Make myself happy without him. If he wants to be with me after he "awakens" and sees the person that I am, then he will have to be honest with me and regain my trust. But the right answer and how my emotions affect me are two different things.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I agree with NNP, don't let him know how you know. My H didn't find out exactly how I knew he thinks when & how I found out was getting into his work emails from his laptop computer he left here, but I found out long before that, my lawyer wanted proof & I had to send the emails to myself from his computer.
But if your H finds out how you know I believe it will make him more angry at this point.
You are right, focus on yourself & take care of yourself. If he files (which maybe he won't) you get a good lawyer & look after you & the kids. I had to, I didn't want to but I had no choice. I just hope my H doesn't hold that against me if he does come back home. I sure hope he does!
You hang in there, stay strong! I know it is hard!!!
Things have been really rough this week. It's been one full week since H has moved out. D11 has been playing in the Nationals softball tournament, which means we have been to games everyday this week. I invited H to ride with us Monday, but it seemed so awkward, I told him that we needed to ride separate since. I'm so proud of my D. She is doing so very well, and it's a joy to watch her success.
Things seem to have stabilized a bit since Monday night. H seemed less angry. I found out that ye was also upset because he thought his best friend was shunning him. He doesn't even know that I told his best friend and his wife what is going on. I stepped in even though he said not to, and contacted them and told them that he didn't think they wanted him to come visit. They were shocked, couldn't believe that he would think that. I had to explain that this state he is in is like extreme PMS combined with teenage boy syndrome---he's very fragile and volatile. I explained how important I think it is that he comes for a visit and talks, and hopefully it will happen soon.
This is supposed to be H's weekend. Hard to know how long we will be playing softball in this tournament, but we could still have games on Sunday----and I will be there, whether I get to take them home or not. I'm trying not to focus on time that I don't have with the kids. Funny, H actually said to me (Monday when we had the miscommunication about scheduling) that he doesn't think I should feel cheated on time with them (because I explained that it was hard for me to be alone --- without them --- at night) since he doesn't get the 8-10 hours during the day that I get since he works. And he isn't feeling like he's doing more for this family by bringing in the paycheck, does he??!!?? Some days I think that I hope he returns to the person he used to be, because this person is so very unlikeable..............
I'm moving forward with the construction/remodeling plans for the house. I worry that H will get upset when he sees the money being spent---but we still have almost enough to do the major things still available in our home improvement loan account. Construction is supposed to start Monday---so then my life will really be turned upside down!
Have to go to the dentist today. Have had a temporary crown for 2 weeks, and have had to take motrin this whole time because of pain---have never had that before, so I'm hoping the new crown takes care of it.
My oldest sister is coming to town for the weekend, so I will be able to keep busy visiting and preparing for construction, and not dwell on the fact that it is H's weekend with OUR kids..........it's so wrong!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, this is my first "free" weekend. I'm trying to stay busy, and not be angry and hurt about the fact that my kids have not called me. I told H that I didn't want him to MAKE them call me, but I thought they would want to...........I have a sister in town and together with my mother and another sister are keeping busy.
I'm working on my letter to H. I'm anxious to get home and focus and get a rough draft finished to post for approval. I've decided that I have to let him know that I know about OW now, and am taking the advice of someone who's been there and am writing it out.
I also have a lot to keep me busy house wise. I think when I get through the letter and get the OW out in the open, I will be able to cope better. I'm pretty confident that H will continue to deny, but it doesn't matter.............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I must be doing a little better......H came out to get the kids for the night, and I'm actually kind of happy to have them gone. I can finish my letter and get some things done.
I haven't cried today.................even got through a whole appt. with C without tears........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Well, I met with H and let him read my letter last night. It was very hard, I thought I was going to have a stroke. I think he read it 3 times before he put it down and just sat in silence. Absolute silence. He had tears that he kept fighting back and held my hand. I think he wanted to say something, but didn't or couldn't. I sat with him for 30 minutes and added some things that weren't in my letter. I ultimately told him that if and when he wanted to talk I would be here. I also told him that I know that he doesn't know what he wants, but if he chooses to work on us, I will do what it takes; if he chooses to end the marriage for whatever reason, I will still be here and do my best to handle this in a good way for our children.
I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I was there when he read the letter. It made me feel very strong. I think I've always been a strong woman, but over the past 2 years I've been so devastated and hurt, that I've lost touch with my strength.
I think I can focus and concentrate on me now.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
