My twins were 12 when X left - about a week shy of their 13th birthdays. I know there's no good time for a D where kids are concerned, but it's my opinion that for boys, 13 is the worst possible time.
I had a hard time with one of them. T1 lashed out at me. T2 went inward and would not under any circumstances talk about it. But he didn't do wrong things. I could tell though that he was sad. No smiles. My X was in la-la land and was of no help to those boys at a time in their lives when they really really needed him.
When I started dating, I only dated when they were not here and were with their dad. I explained to my guy that they needed me and I needed to be here. So I dated little really. But I feel it was important that I be here when they were and that another person did not need to be here. I think I did the right thing.
Last October T1 got way out of hand and was heading down a road that I felt was a one way road to disaster. So I made him go to live with his dad. It was either that or military school and I was leaning toward military school because I felt as if his dad didn't want him. I had no control over the boy and made the hardest decision in my life to do that. His father agreed to take him in.
Once his negative behavior was out of this house, T2 and I became very close. It was a drain for both of us and I didn't even understand how it had caused T2's introversion until he left.
It's my belief that T1 needed to be with his father and his lashing out was his way of telling me that. Since then, T1 has come to his senses, has turned 18, and is enrolled in a very good private college about an hour away. Now we talk at least every other day and he comes here often.
Now I see smiles all the time. From both. There's such a stark difference in both of them now that I have a hard time remembering the hard times now. I think it took turning 18, getting away from one another, and T1 getting away from me and spending time with his dad. Another thing that was pivotal was I kept communication lines open with X about the boys. I don't think this would have happened if I had not.
We become so hardened by our X's and they by us that we fail to see the harm it does to our kids. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves on the back burner and make them the priority.
My guy finally met my kids last May after a couple of years of dating. They like him.
Listen, I don't know that anything would have turned out any better if we had not gotten D'd. Teenagers are hell to live with - married or not. The D was a hard for T1 and his lashing out was his way of screaming that he needed his daddy. By the same token, T2 needed peace and T1's leaving gave him that.
So if your X or STBX is not seeing your kids, give him or her some time to come to their senses and understand what's important. Try to do whatever you can to keep them in your kids' lives, regardless of what poor decisions they make.
