I was going to post an update on my DB talk. It was really good and helpful. I have spoken to her before so she knows abut my sitch.
She pointed out to me, in the nicest possible way, that I tend to be maternal, disapproving and over-protective of my h. This is exhibited in my disapproval and discomfort around him doing his band gig at the weekend. I worry about him as last time they got so drunk that his bf broke his leg and carried on, he really damaged it. I also hate the way he is when he is drunk as he gets rude, looses his sense of his own limits and usually gets into trouble somehow.
DBC (Divorce Busting Coach) said to me not to make him choose between his friends and me. She asked me how I thought he felt when he was with them and I said appreciated, entertained, likes being with them and free. she then asked how he felt when he was with me and I replied not appreciated, mothered, taken care of, limited.
She pointed out that in his current state of good health from coming out of a serious illness what would be the most appealing option. He is doing stuff any 26 year old would do and I am putting myself in a maternal position and being too serious. She said our relationship needs to be peer-to-peer and a good example is the EA saying 'drunkard' on his FB wall. She is being his peer and jesting with him. If I judge and get cross I will not come over well. He doesn't know when the illness will come back so wants to have fun.
The reason that I would be cross is because of him not helping me with the house but she said that is because I am having expectations a wife would have not a friend or peer. It is too much pressure. In fact, his email to me was very much the way a friend would talk and more than an acquaintance.
She said I shouldn't condone the drinking if it goes against my core values but to show an interest in the music side and ask how the gig went. That way we can build a connection over that. I need to get off my high horse! He has been responding well to gestures like the birthday present and the cat picture therefore he is beginning to think of us as equals. I need to carry on with that and see him as my equal not me being superior and thinking I know best. Let him know I am safe.
She said not to mention the house stuff; she said there was enough responsibility to give him with the finances. AS he hadn't replied to my email about the phone call she suggested I email him and suggest we meet over a drink to talk it through as I can't make this weekend. Here is the email I sent.
Hi H
It sounds like the band is really popular at the moment, what was the gig like at the weekend? You definitely had the weather for it! I thought maybe we could combine our chat with coffee and/ or a sandwich sometime this week as I am busy all weekend with something Lou has had planned for ages. I thought perhaps Thursday lunchtime somewhere near your work - Starbucks?? Hope you are having a good day. Julia P.S - Coffee (or something that we both drink!) is on me.
She said to keep the finances talk as brief as possible and not to give him the impression that I already know the answer. She said that at the moment we are re-framing.
