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Have you tried meditating? I think it would calm your mind down so you could make more consistent decisions and speak to her from your center.

Tink


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I'm very afraid of that. I'm not exactly sure why.

I actually feel pretty calm right now. I felt a little anxiety today creeping in, and I got up ad did some things to keep me busy and soothed. I felt worried some because yesterday she said she was in training, and she was out of office again today (training doesn't usually take two days). My mind wandered to "what if she is doing something with a lawyer, or getting papers ready? Or what if she is spending the day with someone?"

Amazingly, though, I didn't get too uptight about it. In fact, barely. I kinda thought to myself "so what? It's not like I can change it if that is what she is doing."

That was a good natural feeling that I enjoyed because I was able to deal and not freak out.

I WOULD like to speak with her because we talked about doing lunch this week and I want to do it tomorrow. I also had the idea that maybe I'd extend an invitation for her to take a day off with me and go to a baseball game downtown. But....she hasn't contacted me. If I know her, if she doesn't call tonight, she will email tomorrow.

And I'm ok with that. I'm just chillin.


Me: 30
W: 27
Married: 9/2007
ILUBNILWU: 1/2008
W moved out 5/24/2008
W suicide 8/25/2009
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Well, someone's ears were ringing because I had just typed that out when who calls? The W!

I'm excited. I did not pressure, R talk, she was laughing while telling me stories, it was a great conversation. We talked for almost 1.5 hours.....about pretty much nothing. She brought up lunch before I was able to YAY! I had mentioned getting together on Sat. before we talked, too, so I asked if she was still up for that. She said yes, but we are seeing each other on Sunday, too because of the bridal shower. She mentioned that during the day, she might be going to on of our friends houses (one that doesn't invite me anymore) to hang out at the pool, so in a way, she was asking if we should still hang. I said "yeah, its cool, I kinda planned on seeing you." She responded jokingly "oh, cuz you have to make plans all the time" and I said "well, yeah. If I don't nail things down, I won't do anything hehe"

I'm so stoked. I think I did really well. She seemed lighthearted and everything. Lunch tomorrow, Sat and Sun seeing her.

Time to polish my game. I have WORK to do!


Me: 30
W: 27
Married: 9/2007
ILUBNILWU: 1/2008
W moved out 5/24/2008
W suicide 8/25/2009
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Minor setback. She woke up with a bad headache, so lunch is off. It's ok, I did well, I think with the response:

Her: "I'm sorry but lunch isn't gonna work, I woke up with the worst headache"

Me: "OK, you want me to rub your temples? haha Hope you feel better :)"

Her: "Thanks, I just need to get some sleep"

Me: "Sweet dreams my dear"


Me: 30
W: 27
Married: 9/2007
ILUBNILWU: 1/2008
W moved out 5/24/2008
W suicide 8/25/2009
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that's not a setback. just go with the flow. kinda the same as monday with my W and dinner.

you talked for 1.5 hours? good going man. seriously. it's amazing when your interactions that you took for granted before make you feel so much better.

i really don't see why you and Ndsmhelp thought i was so much further along than you. Both of you are in better shape than i am...

but.....keep polishing your game, but don't get frustrated. It's not a setback, just something that happens


ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams

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The funny thing is...I never took talking to her for granted when she lived in her apt. Only when she moved into the house. You're dead right, though....I would kill to spend one day with her the way we used to, and sleep in the same bed.

In fact, I don't know if this is considered bad, but she was talking about how her apt. has a much smaller water heater. She loves to take bath/showers where it requires a LOT of hot water, and she said she can't really do that because there isn't enough hot water. I responded and said "well, you are welcome to come here any time and enjoy the hot water :)"

She chuckled.

I also admitted to missing all of the friends that no longer invite me to things because of what is going on.

Doesn't change the fact that I still feel totally fine that she canceled lunch. I still get to see her two days this week and I'm excited for that.

I'm still considering when to ask her to a baseball game. I don't want to overdo it.

Thoughts?


Me: 30
W: 27
Married: 9/2007
ILUBNILWU: 1/2008
W moved out 5/24/2008
W suicide 8/25/2009
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the way to look at isi this....are you still going to go if she says no? SAy "hey, i'm going to the baseball game on....whenever....want to join me?" Leave it up to her, but make sure you go...so if she asks, you can tell her about it.

that's what's been suggested to me. I invite my W to go to the playground with me and 2d's all the time. I still take them regardless if she comes or not.

make sense?


ME:32 WAW:31
D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2
Together: 13 M:6
Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08
Sep legally: 6/18/08

"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..."
-Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams

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Hi -

saw that you were looking for a little more input and thought i'd stop by. it'll take me a bit to catch up, but maybe i can help some... or at least be encouraging!! \:\)

ann


If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown

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UD,

Just keep in mind that what she needs most out of you right now is to be a consistent friend. She needs to feel safe with you, regardless of what it's about.

You should tread lightly on the invites. Invitations, when done too much, smack of need and desperation. You definitely don't want to send the message to her that you are desperate for time with her, even if you are.

If you can throw the "You can come shower here" line at her and make it clear that it's a joke, great. Otherwise, again it sounds needy.

You don't like slow, but you don't really get the option to accelerate the pace.

You know, your wife KNOWS that you love her and want to be with her. Part of her also knows that her actions have and continue to cause you pain. Her guilt level is already pretty high. You don't want to be doing anything to make it raise higher.

I think checking in once a week is not a bad thing, and shouldn't come across as pushing.

As for invitations, I agree completely with Neal when he says that you should not invite her to anything that you weren't planning to do otherwise. Now is not the time to be creating date scenario's for the two of you. I really believe that you have some trust building to do before you get to that point.

On the positive side, despite the inconsistency and occasional tension between the two of you, it still seems like your wife is open to you. She is persuing her life alone because she decided quite awhile ago that this is what she needed to do. But she hasn't closed the door on you.

You work with what you've got.

Learn to reign in your heart and words when you communicate. Learn to keep your hopes and expectations tempered. Do NOT allow your grand plans for HER reactions cause you to crash when she turns you down or changes plans.

Which once again brings us back to the only good thing that you can do right now.

Live the best UD life you can lead and take every opportunity to show that you care more about her friendship and needs than you do about how quickly the relationship is repaired.

Because doing the first things automatically causes the relationship to be repaired. Then it's just a question of how far the two of you can go.


Blessings,

Bill


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UD,

I glanced through some of your begginging threads and this thread.

I think you are getting some excellent advice/guidance from Bill.....listen to him....he knows what he is talking about.

I was happy to see in the last couple of days you seem to have a little more spring in your step, probably due to getting to see your W. This is natural remember no expectations, no R talks, no phishing for information

You seem to be getting a little better grip on yourself, I must say in the beginning you were all over the place.

Just some general observations

- You have very little leverage in your current position. Your W is not in the house, she is controlling this R and the pace of it. Asking or expecting her to meet you half way (on anything) now just isn't going to happen. The sooner you accept that and truly accept it, the quicker things will get peaceful for you. What you do have control of is your actions, in particular the things that make you a more secure and confident man....these are attractive qualities. Realize by inquiring about OM and things like that (even disguising it by asking about others.....she sees right through that dude) you are making a self-fulfilling prophesy......you end up pushing her in that direction. Even if there is an OM, there is nothing you can do about it accept give an ultimatumm which won't work now. The quicker you get a grip on your confidence, the quicker the OM will go away. Trust me, I have had experience in this

- You seem to be a bit self righteous about her actions with other people. From a moral standpoint you are absolutely correct, but as pointed out above you have no leverage so it doesn't matter if you are right. Any effort to get her to admit wrong doing is just going to backfire and make her want to do those things more. I often ask people do they "want to be right or do they want to be happy". Getting your W to admit she has done wrong is not going to bring her closer to you. She has to do that in her own time. Obviously, I am not condoning being walked all over, but you have to decide what your limits are and those limits have consequences for your R. Check out Diehards thread for a courageous example of just how tough this can get.

-Going dark......even in some of the more recent posts I have seen you wield this like some weapon with vindictiveness in your tone. You are not hurting your W by waiting several hours to return a casual text/e-mail.....you are hurting yourself. These are the type of light dialog that you are hoping to get more of....pressure free interaction that shows you can be fun to be around or talk to. I typically ask people when they are doing stuff....is it coming rom your heart? If you are having thoughts like "yeah....I will make her wonder" abnd similar then you are doing it from the wrong place and no good will ever come of that. Going dark/dim is for you, it is help you deal with the emotion of the sitch, to give you some down time when you need it.

- Listen to your W. She has told you time and again what she is looking for. I have seen in several of your threads that she just wants to have a normal conversation with you. I think it is great that y'all talked for 1-1/2 hours the other day, casually....look where it got you....monitor results....those were good results. Listen and validate, don't get defensive in your thinking by saying...I only do this because you do that.....that will get you know where. Although your W is setting the pace, you have a lot of control over where the R goes, by stopping the chicken-egg debate and making positive changes (consistently) you can make a huge difference in your R

- Controlling, you know all about this....really listen to what she considers to be controlling, it may surprise you. Also, just my opinion but return receipt on e-mail is very controlling....I don't care if you have always used it...don't use it with your W.....have confidence.

Enough of the 2x4's

I think your sitch has a lot of positives, your W has not filed (at least what I saw), she wants space, she wants a friend, she wants to be comfortable with you, she wants things to be normal. To put things in perspective, I spent months making the same mistakes you have made leading up to the actual sep. I gained a grip on myself and was just her friend and gave her the loving space she needed (even if it hurt me) and we were back living together a month later.

I have been down many of the same paths that you have been and done many of the same things. There is plenty of hope.....you can do this.

Best Wishes


TwinDad
Me 39, W 36, M 11
W - MLC, WAW????
2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old
Start of the Long and Bumpy Road.....
On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
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